navigating the steps

Nude Descending a Staircase, No. 2Marcel Duchamp

i think part of my funk, aside from seemingly having no outlet to relieve my overly-angsty moods as of late, has to do with the fact that i have completed my 3rd step with my sponsor and have now started on my 4th step.

i won't even go beyond mentioning the fact that no sooner was the 3rd step prayer spoken from my mouth, a gigantic german shepherd named "Grievous" came out of nowhere and almost mauled us. good stuff, that.

(was that an answer to prayer? that i need to be even more hypervigilant now that my life has been handed over to God and on guard for the lower power trying to attack me like a freaking german shepherd??)

this is not fun, my people. i don't really want to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory of myself." this is going to take a while and my sponsor has me doing it in distinct steps -- i am to do one on someone very close to me in my life, separated from everyone else...one on everyone else...one on fears...one on my sex conduct that could take WEEKS my friends, WEEKS.

(or not.)

i've had this homework since last wednesday and just started digging in today. my daughter is attending summer school and it is my week to drive so i have missed some of my morning meetings. this morning instead of heading straight for work, i headed to my favorite park, put on my iPod, prayed for God to guide my pen and my heart, and began.

i don't have as many resentments as i have anxieties or fears, but that's another blog post for another time. i have a lot going on in my world and not all of it is cozy and tied in a neat bundle. this is where the rubber meets the road and while i had some amazing suggestions in my last post (the walking around naked suggestion would probably end up on my list, i gotta tell you), i know i have to tap into God like it is nobody's business because staying sober is my main objective and from what i have heard, a lot of people go out over their 4th step.i seriously don't want to go back out and have to start all over again. if that is the only thing keeping me sober, i will hold onto that.

on an entirely different subject, i went to the rescue mission meeting last night as my one home group takes the tuesday night meetings the month of july. i was the only female and it was a great meeting. a lot of great thoughts - i just love these people. they are real, earthy, humility in motion.

question: does anyone else take notes during the meetings? or jot down things during the meetings that are just gems that you know you won't remember after? is that cool/uncool? i jot things down -- random, not every meeting, i am not a stenographer, just an alcoholic trying to get another day. but the last few things i wrote, i want to share...
son
of a
bitch
everything's
real

and one dude who was visiting from california said he goes to meetings because it's "people relying on God, relaying a message." that was brilliant so i didn't even need to write that one down.

so here i am, wading in the middle of my 4th step, trying to hold on, trying to get through the summer without drinking anything alcoholic, wondering what german shepherds are doing on by the bay and waiting for that moment when i say "i am so glad i am sober" or "i love sobriety."

i will continue to move forward while i wait.