meh.

am feeling like "whatever." my sponsor said when i get in these moods, that i am "homesick for hell."

do i miss the drama, chaos? no. i really don't. i miss having something to go to when i was feeling like crap and yes, i still sit and wish i could drink and wonder why i can't and blah blah blah.

i am not digging life on life's terms. i am not at peace and i am wondering if it is because there are things going on in my world that are not allowing me to be at peace.

so elusive, this peace.
 

you want a piece of me?

sorry, playing on words.

i know folks would say i need to get to a meeting. i've already been. this morning i heard how wonderful sobriety is and how they loved being sober on the 4th of july and all i was thinking was i isolated yesterday because i had headaches that never seemed to cease and i am freaking 7 months sober and where is that flippin' miracle everyone talks about?
 

and yes, i did my 3rd step where i turned my life and my will over to the care of God as i understand Him, just the other night -- and yes, i should be working on my 4th step, why do you ask?

so i am a mess right now. i don't want to talk to another alcoholic. i don't want to read the literature. i am not happy, joyous and free, and yes, i am a bit restless, irritable and discontented.

any suggestions other than the basic alcoholics anonymous rhetoric?