I am sick of myself. my moodiness, my aggravation. how i feel when things don't go my way or plans don't pan out the way i want or expect them to.
i was to meet with a friend for coffee yesterday and come to find out her sponsor is hurting. i go all noble, suggest she meet with her instead, and proceed to stew intermittently the balance of my day. i set up alternative plans for the following day with someone else, and they had different things in mind and my plans go bust.
[i just don't "get me."]
[doesn't our literature say something about our "little plans and designs?"]
God, help me get away from my self and help someone else, in even a small way.
i am feeling down, but it will pass. things could be worse, as always, but they are status quo. i should be grateful for status quo. (enter my sponsor's voice in my head saying, "Penni, write a gratitude list!")
Hard to conjure up a gratitude list, but...
- my daughter went to a sleep-over last night - first one in 2 months and she was out all day again, today. operating at about 90% :)
- i am sober
- i am knitting :)
- i have friends who truly care about me
- i am low-carbing, once again.
the end result of having taken the 10 minutes to jot down my erratic thoughts was a shift in my mood...by the time i put my pen down and closed the book, i felt lighter.
the beauty part is i find writing cathartic, as in prayer; i am really writing to God. He knows my heart, knows how i feel, and while i may not be the best "pray'er" i know, i write to Him and He hears me through my writing.
and last evening, in God's infinite wisdom, a woman who has been on my heart for this past week [who has been in and out of the rooms of AA for a year] texted me not five minutes after i closed my journal and said simply "i'm ready." when i couldn't take another minute of my *self*, He sent me someone else.
He really does get me :)