why i write.

i keep a journal. it isn't pretty and is not always gramatically correct but it is what it is: a papertrail of my thoughts. it is a continuing conversation with God, interrupted for days, sometimes weeks at a time, but it is conversation, nonetheless.

from 12.28:
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I am sick of myself. my moodiness, my aggravation. how i feel when things don't go my way or plans don't pan out the way i want or expect them to.

i was to meet with a friend for coffee yesterday and come to find out her sponsor is hurting. i go all noble, suggest she meet with her instead, and proceed to stew intermittently the balance of my day. i set up alternative plans for the following day with someone else, and they had different things in mind and my plans go bust.

[i just don't "get me."]

[doesn't our literature say something about our "little plans and designs?"]

God, help me get away from my self and help someone else, in even a small way.

i am feeling down, but it will pass. things could be worse, as always, but they are status quo. i should be grateful for status quo. (enter my sponsor's voice in my head saying, "Penni, write a gratitude list!")

Hard to conjure up a gratitude list, but...

• my daughter went to a sleep-over last night - first one in 2 months and she was out all day again, today. operating at about 90% :)
• i am sober
• i am knitting :)
• i have friends who truly care about me
• i am low-carbing, once again.

in reviewing my list, i am seeing that things could be way worse....i could not be a knitter :)
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the end result of having taken the 10 minutes to jot down my erratic thoughts was a shift in my mood...by the time i put my pen down and closed the book, i felt lighter.

the beauty part is i find writing cathartic, as in prayer; i am really writing to God. He knows my heart, knows how i feel, and while i may not be the best "pray'er" i know, i write to Him and He hears me through my writing.

and last evening, in God's infinite wisdom, a woman who has been on my heart for this past week [who has been in and out of the rooms of AA for a year] texted me not five minutes after i closed my journal and said simply "i'm ready." when i couldn't take another minute of my *self*, He sent me someone else.

He really does get me :)