learning how to detach (with love)

unfinished & untitled - 12" x 12" x 1" - acrylic on wood panel

Carla Kurt

~+~+~

i am such a slow learner. i wish i could learn this program in stride, be able to take it in as though it is aromatherapy...in through the nose, out through the mouth, my soul awash in goodness because i have learned and retained and am one with sobriety.

not so much. i get it in globs and chunks and it can be overwhelming, trying to do the "next right thing" ... all the time, the next right thing. i screw up, i pick myself up, i dust myself off and look around to see if anyone has noticed i tripped, yet again.

i keep going to my meetings because i am told i need to "keep coming back." i have learned so much these past almost 14 months just want to share with people i am close to, if they are having problems with alcohol or drugs, which is part of what keeps me sober - passing on what i have learned thus far. i have someone in my life who i am very close to that voluntarily (surprisingly) went into rehab, only to be released 12 days later because he was "fine." i called someone who knows him as well as i do and it went from "well, he was going to see a therapist, but that hasn't happened and no, he's not going to meetings, that i know of..." the person he is married to says "you know pen, it's one day at a time." perfect. reciting AA rhetoric is all good, but simply talking the talk is not walking the walk.

at first, i was pissy about detaching. i don't know how to that, i am co-dependent for goodness' sake!! i tend to want to fix everything and everybody (because hell, they'd be so much better, it's for their own good!!), which is an apparent defect of my character because i have no control and am completely powerless over what anybody says or does, i am only responsible for my reaction to what is going on.

so what do i do? recognize i have no control and embrace it. i have none. i can only pray for him and hope that he will do the next right thing, reach out for me if he needs to but until then, just sit. be still.

doing nothing for somebody i love is really (i hope) God's will for my life. that way, the God of his understanding can be allowed to move in and do things for him that he can't do for himself.

[which, i think, is detaching with love]