can you see me now?

i wish i could be more open and transparent on my blog.  i know too many people now, i've started up (and stopped) other blogs that were not connected to mine, but still think i'd be "found" out.  i have been going through the biggest challenge of my life, medication issues aside, and i really need some place to vent about it openly.


however.


[this is the internet. ]


i have no idea who would read, comment, find things out ... judge, convict, sentence.  (God alone will judge me, tyvm.)


i listened to my friend heidi's talk on splitting one's self wide open -- so wonderful, so poignant and pointed right at my heart, like a sword.  maybe instead of lamenting about how i can't speak (too) honestly here, i'll just go give it a listen again...


suggestions on transparency welcomed.  remember, gentle readers, that i already have a psychiatrist and a few good men (priests) that i chat to, a sponsor, and good internet buds who i have lost touch with but know would be there for me in a heartbeat.


[i know, what else do i need?]


i don't know -- maybe really honest feedback.  maybe affirmation that i am beloved of God, regardless of my actions.  i speak with Him daily about things...write to him in my journals...read what He has to say in His word...


[always playing hide and seek.  i am always seeking and when He wants to find me, i hide.]


so because i can't be fully, 100% unequivocally honest about my truth here, i feel thwarted.  is it any wonder i'm in therapy?  or maybe it's because i've not been clear to myself for so long.


maybe instead of more transparency, i can be more stained glass in nature -- i am assuming that even the most broken pieces that are colorful can turn into a lovely mosaic.

11 comments:

sealawr said...

I have yoru blog bookmarked. You sometimes go months wthout a post. it does't matter. I have an alcoholic son who is at this moment drinking himself to death. And I cannot stop him. What you write, whenver you write it, gives me a differnt prespective on life and on the serenity prayer.

Thank for sharing your thoughts.

~m2~ said...

Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I am sorry about your son being out there, I can recommend you read "co-dependent no more" by melody beattie. It may help in ways you never thought possible.

Peace be with you.

msmarymagdalene said...

From M3-
I never went anywhere. Was always right here. Luvya.

annieoddflower said...

I'm still reading Penni, and debating with myself whether to start blogging again. Your words are always helpful to me. While transparency is nice, I think sometimes I forget that I do not have to be totally transparent with everyone I meet. I too often get caught up in an "all or nothing" proposition which does me no good. I wish I was closer so we could sit and chat face to face...

Jules K said...

I'm with Annie. And with msmarymagdalene. I never left. I'm always here. I, too, am trying to figure out if blogging is going to be in my future and, if so, to what extent.

I love your comment about 'I seek and then he finds me and I hide.' Penni! Silly girl! Stop fooling yourself...YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM HIM WHO MADE YOU. He might be calling to you in the garden like he doesn't know you're wearing a fig leaf but he's only being polite. HE KNOWS. ALL. AND HE LOVES YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE ANYWAY.

Mothers and lovers you can hide from - not so with God.

xoxoxo

~m2~ said...

this is like old home week when i see my friends - some of whom i've had since my blog's inception of almost 6 years ago - coming out to affirm and encourage and make me feel so incredibly loved.

y'all enlarge my heart <3

jules and annie - girls, i have art from both of you and think of you daily when i pass by my wall unit.

honestly, i'm going to be making my rounds. don't let me find out there is nothing for penni to read...


m3, you are my sister. love you.

Anonymous said...

Gods mercy is upon you and it is a beautiful thing to behold. God doesnt make junk, no matter how we may feel about ourselves sometimes. seeing you blog again has brought many tears to these eyes, i know how helpful this forum is to you.You already are a rock star, i cant imagine what God has in store for you. Stay well my friend, and believe in your goodness, God does and so do I!!

b

Beth said...

Always here, girl...

I've struggled recently with a few things that are going on in my life that I cannot blog about on my public blog. I am tempted to create a second, more private persona - and I do post on my private blog when I just have to WRITE something to get it out. But I am called these days to be integrated, to have relationships where as much as possible I can be ME. Open, transparent. Secrets are dangerous for me and they bind anxiety. I am in big trouble when I start living a double life - even it if seems to be for my own good.

I've learned to email a lot. I know - at least I think I do -- who I can trust now, and I keep big things between them and me. And I write and try to keep in mind that He loves ALL of me, and He knows ALL of me...but not everybody else (i.e. THE INTERNETS) needs to know ALL of me. Often, that's so much more about ME and I my needs that are not always based in truth...

That's where I am. And this comment was supposed to be about YOU....sorry!

Always praying for you......

Heidi Renee said...

<3<3<3

sorry I missed this sweet connection - haven't been online much to read - thanks Pen - love you and am here - transparency is important - just who and how is what I'm learning.

love you so much!

angelmeg said...

Be as transparent or as vague as you need to be. Those who love you will see through the vagueness to the truth. Vent if you have to, do it in poetry, or the beautiful artwork that says so much about what you are really feeling, much more than your words could ever say.

We love you, and we are with you even when you don't say a word. Friends are like stars, they are there even when you can't see them.

Jim said...

Lil Sis,
You are a precious stone in His temple. And I think that temple has, no, needs, some stained glass.
I understand and appreciate your position, and always enjoy reading what you have to say. Peace.