leaving the mat, jumping into the pool

Egodystonic is a psychological term referring to behaviors...that are in conflict, or dissonant, with the needs and goals of the ego, or, further, in conflict with a person's ideal self-image.

...as the thoughts and compulsions experienced or expressed are often not consistent with the individual's self-perception, causing extreme distress.

(taken from Reference.com)

thanks to my doctor i have been seeing, i have a "definition" for what i have been going through f0r the last 16 months. i have been behaving and living in such a way that it has been extremely distressing and causing more anxiety than they have meds for.

[and i'm done. i have surrendered.]

i've gone to confession, spoken to my sponsor, am working the steps in a different way with a new sponsee, and am ready to "arrest this development." i recognize that self-awareness is key, you can't "unknow" what you know, et cetera. however, it takes doing not simply knowing.

i also think of one of my favorite Bible verses, wherein Jesus comes up on a paralytic lying by a pool. and i picture myself as the paralytic, unable to help myself, paralyzed in my own junk...
When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”
[i want to be well.]
Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”
[oh....it takes action!! :: am ready, Lord ::]

And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.
so be it.

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