my first experience of Mary

i have an admission to make. as a convert to Catholicism, my faith being a mere 9 years old, the biggest hurdle i have had to leap was about Mary, our Blessed Mother. i would try praying the Rosary, to no avail. it felt hollow, and that i was simply "praying to be heard for my many words." i have asked the Lord on and off to change my heart about His Mother. read books, listened to tapes by scott hahn, still felt empty.

last year, i stumbled upon the fact that a friend of mine's daughter actually made rosaries by hand - i thought "that sounds cool, i should try it." well, i found a shop on-line and got instructions and have made about 6 or 7 sets, maybe more. i would contemplate Mary, think about what i was doing and being an rcia instructor, had to openly admit i had "issues" still, but was working on it.then i saw The Passion of the Christ (six times) and my heart about Mary started to change. not completely, but slowly. i stopped seeing her as a statue and an icon and felt she was a woman with real emotions, real thoughts, feelings.

the last set of rosary beads i made for someone, i really liked - was never really certain if they were to be given to this girl, someone in my religious ed class who had a moment of flippiness and mocked the fact that i enjoyed making rosary beads to my daughter (kids these days...) one of my favorite priests blessed them for me and i felt in my heart that they were really for me! i started praying the Rosary faithfully before daily mass about two weeks ago. nothing was dramatically different, other than the mere fact that i wanted to pray the rosary and not simply sit in church while it was being recited without me chiming in.

yesterday, when i arrived at Church (really making sure i am there from the Apostle's Creed on), i was totally fine (as far as i knew). i started to pray the rosary with my son's needs as my intentions and i don't know what the heck happened, but i had a meltdown. my body was so disabled, my heart was so hurt and i knew without a shadow of a doubt, that my heart was being united with Mary's in suffering for her Son. i was unable to even pray aloud, but know the Spirit interceded for me and i continued on each bead in cadence with the others in church with me. i had, for the first time while praying the rosary, come undone.

i now thank God that i had that experience because it brought me home, truly, and i experienced for the first time the fullness of my faith.

thanks be to God.



3 comments:

Janet said...

I am a very recent convert to Catholicism (class of Vigil '04) and have been having the same issues with the Rosary that you describe. I just can't seem to say the prayers and do the meditation at the same time. Reading your post makes me want to continue working on this.

Peace.

~m2~ said...

oh, janet - keep working on it. i am and i feel such a sense of peace when i am putting my precious beads away in their case until tomorrow morning.

it's supernatural. it's not me, that's for sure. i would never be able to do so if it were.

p

Null said...

Martha..

The Fish found a blog for me to read, and just showed me a moment ago. I instantly thought of you and was going to try to email it to you, but can't it seems, and then I stumbled on this post (I've been a bad blog reader the last few days and hadn't seen it until now)

Seems fitting.

I think this is something that you will love.

http://www.catholicmeditations.com/cathmedblog/cathmedblog.html

It brought tears to my eyes it was so beautiful.