help me get out of my own way.

i missed mass yesterday morning because i had to sling hash; went to adoration for about 45 minutes and was feeling all sorts of content in doing so.

this morning, i couldn't wait to get to church and when i did, sat in my favorite spot (back pew, left hand corner, center aisle seat). my friend accompanied me this morning. i was about four rows behind helen.

after the rosary concluded, helen looked around, saw i was at church (wasn't yesterday) and promptly scooped up her things and plopped down in the row in front of me. i could feel myself tense up, but then did a deep cleansing breath and asked for the grace to see Jesus in her. she was exceedingly proud to show me her new pyx that she purchased yesterday, along with the pouch, for when she goes on Communion calls. thank you, Jesus, for her fervor and excitement.

mass proceeded and i attempted to keep my gaze lowered because of her movements and stretching and yawns and i don't know what else? perhaps she is compulsive? sorry, Lord, that this is even a problem for me.

then came the Lord's Prayer. margie is my best friend; she is the only one, other than a family member, that i ever *hug* and i did so, as per the norm.

bad move.

helen wanted one, too.

i am crying as i write this. i am so flawed, so fallen, so miserable, wretched. i hugged her. i hate myself.

after mass had ended, she was all perky and cheery and i am unable to have any conversation with anyone else without her there -- folks, this is becoming a real problem for me. i don't know what to do and if you have any suggestions, i would be totally open to them. i am truly and sincerely struggling with this from my depths.

i am on closed-circuit when it comes to worship. i am intensely personal and private and i am not comfortable going outside of my zone. not comfortable or not, but this woman is so unfailingly persistent, so needy, that i am literally going to end up saying something that is unkind so she will leave me be!

i know i am sounding like a total brat and apologize if i offend anyone who is reading for the first or umpteenth time of my struggle with my wishing to be a hermit, but if someone doesn't pray for the grace of God to clamp my mouth and open my heart, i feel i am doomed.

talk amongst yourselves.