repentance

after have lamented and/or fretted about the situation with my server the balance of yesterday, save for the customer's obnoxious comments, i discussed it with my hub and we have come to a place that this nuclear reactive level of intensity isn't "working" for me. time to take a step back, evaluate, regroup.

my server is newly 17. i have a unique opportunity to encourage and support her, but also the fine-lined balance of keeping my customers happy as well. we are supposed to be nurturing and the cafe with "caring side servings..." i've not even been supportive or complimentary of anything she has done since she started waiting tables, i've admittedly let the opinions of my oldest server sometimes factor into my opinions and instead of saying "d - you did a great job on that order, let's see that we can't do that with your next set of customers," i've been *speaking what i see.* i have also (biggest admission yet) not been very prayerful about any of it.

check list:

1. let the words of my mouth and the
2. meditations of my heart
3. be acceptable in Your sight

(O Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer...)

how'd i do with that list? none of the above. time to regroup.

i am supposed to be the adult and the one in charge, yes. i am under a tremendous amount of stress which is being added to by various factors at work, which i recited previously ad nauseum. i don't like how i've been feeling, i am almost certain i have an ulcer and there are other things in my life right now that are factoring into my stress level that i've not mentioned here. suffice it to say while i may have good, valid excuses to qualify my behavior and reactions, i cannot justify it whatsoever and feel a bit ashamed over my reactions and more importantly, my words. they really can speak life or death.

i know: i am only human. i know i am hard on myself. i know i am intense and i know i am prone to being overly concerned about most of which is concerning to me, some of which is none of my business. i know all these things.

julie d. had a great post about repentance and it is something that i have pondered for a long while (the word *metanoia* especially) - "repentance is a gradual process of transformation" - it isn't going to happen over night. i believe if i have a heart to change, that change will come and while it most assuredly (with me especially) won't be a complete transformation, i believe God will do the impossible and allow it to happen (how's that for speaking something positive into my day, and it's only 6:30!).

so be it.

Lord, have mercy on me.