wrestling with the angel

The Visitation After the Sermon: Jacob Wrestling With the Angel,
Gauguin, ca. 1890. From CGFA.

i have heard it said that God often gives the challenges to the ones He loves most (probably a line in a movie, but it stuck with ...)

in a conversation with a friend yesterday, we were discussing that very issue. i cannot go into much detail but suffice it to say, things are rough for me right now, blogging awards and lovely recognition notwithstanding - financially, home-wise, work-wise, business-wise and it all trickles down to spiritually-wise. if i recounted everything that was *wrong* it would seem as though i am exaggerating, but i really wouldn't be.

in our discussion, i said "sometimes i can't help but think 'if God is challenging me to see how i'll fare, i wonder what the point is to it all because it is simply one challenge after another, one trial after another - that it is all seemingly pointless because i feel as though i am coming up short if He continues to barrage me and my consolation times are short when compared to my desolation times.'" my friend was quite taken aback and upset by this - but it was an honest admission and i slept on it before i blogged about it to see if i felt differently when i woke up.

i am sorry to report i did not.

he suggested i start praying differently: pray for an outpouring of blessings, that he feels as though i am on the edge of something really big and the business may just be a jumping off point (at which comment, i wanted to say "off the roof," but refrained…), and he also mentioned the Prayer of Jabez, but I never look into things that are seemingly *hyped* especially by the media. please forgive that statement if it offends, it is not meant to.

this morning in my reflection time during Mass, the Scripture came to me about Jacob wrestling with the angel - Genesis 32:24 (The Message), in part:

Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me."

is the wisdom in the struggle with the Angel or in the force behind the statement: I'm not letting you go until you bless me?

also, my wise and sage friend suggested that i start praying for God's abundant blessings upon me. i have to tell you, i am not comfortable with that.

not in the least.

i ask for God's blessings upon everyone around me, from family to customers, friends known and unknown. but for me? too awkward to do that.

do you feel it is wrong to ask for blessings for yourself - is that being *self*ish? or do you pray for God to bless you abundantly and not feel bad about that at all? i tend to be more of a "social justice" pray-er and not ask for too much for myself.

do i have it all wrong?