release

i don't often look up keyword search activity for my blog because i am simply thrilled when folks stop in and read or comment and it (almost) doesn't matter to me where they came from. that, and the times i have looked things up, they've been pretty benign and nothing that would stand out on the keyword radar.

for whatever reason, one day last week i saw someone did a search on bruce, his full name. they found me through that search and i was really shocked, but thought maybe they had been looking for another *bruce w.* and they left as soon as they saw it wasn't the same guy.

it was the same guy.

i received an email yesterday that blew me away - it was from bruce's former wife. she had found me through the search back in may, initially, and then searched again in december to see if i had written any more about him. i suppose because it is Christmas she was feeling especially melancholy, but when i got her email and read it, i was about to type a response when i saw she had her phone number at the bottom - i called her instead.

we were on the phone for about 1/2 hour. she told me she didn't know he had passed away until may of this year, when i was under the impression she had been notified of his death when it happened; at least that was what we were told (if i remember correctly). she had conflicting stories and simply wanted to know the truth and shared with me information about him that i never knew, which was wonderful. she had also mentioned that they had been corresponding via email up until the end of january and were even discussing reconciliing, but that she thought maybe he had met somebody else and that was why he stopped writing.

she thought, because of their history (she left him because of the substance abuse), that she had triggered this (his suicide) and was carrying around an inordinate amount of guilt all this time. i told her that no matter what anyone had done or said, once bruce had his mind made up about anything, he would accomplish what he set out to do, that she would not be the *reason* for his suicide any more than i would; his decision was just that: his decision.

i think it was probably one of the most cathartic conversations i was able to have with anyone about him - she told me he talked about me often and that she knew he really cared about me. that made me feel wonderful. it was also cool that i could discuss all of this without sadness because she was hurting so badly, the last thing she needed was to have me blubbering on the phone and be unable to understand what i was trying to say.

that, and a quick prayer for intercession by the Holy Spirit to keep me lucid probably kept me calm and gentle and compassionate.

i also told her before we hung up and when her eyes were dry that bruce once shared something with me...when i asked him why he wasn't pursuing any relationships (i think this was in the summer of 2004), he responded with "because i am still married." i said "i thought you were divorced?" he said, "maybe on paper, but in my heart, she is still my wife and i am still her husband. we just have to *get there*..."

her eyes weren't dry for long but by the time we hung up, she said she felt so much better and i assured her after the holidays i would send her some of his memorial cards and the leaflet we had at his service. and unless she is reading this now, i intend to surprise her and send her the only picture i have of him.

even though bruce was never *mine*, last night's conversation makes me feel as if i can finally let go, leave this portion of the road less traveled, and release him back to his wife.

God is good.