Marc Chagall (1887-1985) Loneliness, 1933
for whatever reason, i still feel the need to talk about my friendships or my lack thereof. i know i recently posted on this topic, but something else has come up and i talked about it for the first time with my husband last night and literally reduced myself to tears.
i think i am really tired. but am i making an excuse for something inside of me that is lacking, so lacking that it makes me cry when i think about it?
yesterday at the hospital was insufferably long. i know this is the first time i have said anything negative about my new job, but there was one morning delivery and too many secretaries assigned and i was literally looking for things to keep me occupied.
for 12 hours.
the balance of the staff, however, amused themselves in ways that i found to be almost surrealistic -- please understand where i am coming from: i realize it is good to vent and let off steam and relax every now and again. i am all about laughing and having a good time, but never at the expense of someone else, and never in a crass or rude manner. the conversations i overheard and the jokes that were being told i found to be extremely displaced.
hour upon hour of them.
i do not fit in. i know i am not to be "of the world," but i am part of it, am i not? how do i reconcile the two spaces? i do not think i am better than anybody else. i am hopelessly flawed and abound in imperfection -- why can i not simply "lighten up" and join in the fun? if i find things to be unfunny, am i to laugh anyway? join in the mockery?
and if i do not, i am perceived to be a snob, or worse.
part two of dilemma, and this is going to sound totally high-school, but it is truly nagging at me so here goes: i am also having a difficult time reconciling a pre-existing relationship i had with someone that i now work with who i thought was my friend, that apparently, i am one-sided in my feelings about how cool our friendship is (was?) because she does not seem to want to connect with me at work in any way...she got the position (same as mine) through a friend from church who also works on our floor and she spends lunch breaks with her to my exclusion, does not engage me in any conversation. i am not imagining things and i am not being overly-sensitive. it has been going on for four weeks now. i am crushed.
i have tried to talk with her just about every day things, but she simply is not interested -- i really like the friend she prefers to spend her time with, so it is not about that, but i do not feel compelled to thrust myself into their conversations; it is almost as if i am finding out that the friendship we had were forming was what i suspected it to be prior to now: maybe just a little surface-level.
that is a tough one to take. i do not make friends very easily, but the ones that i do make i am fiercely loyal to and would do anything for. i am wondering why i am feeling so excluded. i have one best friend in my life, other than my husband. is this normal? is this natural?
please do not misunderstand me: i have very deep and abiding friendships with people who i have met through message boards and blogging that flow out of the monitor and over to the telephone and mail and gifts and birthdays and holidays...but it is not the same. it is not the same as having *face time* with someone to talk about things and connect on a different level.
i feel so lacking in this area that i can only think there must be something wrong with me, that it is not them, that it is me. does God not find me worthy of having true, deep, and abiding friends or does He want me to fully rely on Him for everything?
i think i am feeling loneliness. and it does not sit well with me.
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