Treading Water in EdenBill Bragg
Oil on Canvas
52 x 52 inches
~~~~~
...i keep from sinking.
weariness and thoughts follow, if for no reason other than to put this as a bit of a chronicle of events. it is the holiday, i don't want to bother my friends with troublesome phone calls :)
my house is full of slumbering people, the stress of the last three days weighing everyone down and tiring everyone out.
- i am the mediator for my family with my mother's physicians. she did not fare as well as we would have hoped on her second trial today and was, therefore, not extubated as we had planned for her. isn't that funny, how we plan these things? God obviously had other things in mind for her. the trial fatigues her - it is like a healthy person trying to take in their air through a straw, so for someone who is not feeling so well in the lung department, it is very stressful.
- the cardiologist was in today and said something about her "heart disease." uh, what heart disease? seems there have been changes in her ekg and they need to do further testing; until then, they are playing a waiting game as far as her extubation is concerned. nothing can happen until that occurs.
- i went to Mass yesterday and just cried from about the time i sat until the time i rose to leave. i am undone by all of this but unable to express any emotion other than strength in front of mom and my siblings because i have a basic knowledge of things medical. which really equals zero unless it has to do with labor & delivery and handing off the hemostat at the proper time or loading the correct suture. if i wear scrubs, it lends to more credibility. if i wear street clothes, the doctors seem to talk down to me as if i have the brain capacity of a 4 year old. the chances i'll arrive in scrubs tomorrow is a pretty good one as i would rather have them use their polysyllabic words and dash off to dictionary.com to see what it is they are talking about.
- also learned today she has a gastroenterologist and they have ordered a ct scan of her abdomen for tomorrow. uhmmmm, why? no test is ordered without thought toward what is suspected; they are certainly silent on these matters and it only serves to add to the frustration.
- the most annoying thing of all is the looseness of the lips of those who are involved in her care to a lesser degree: the lab tech, who said she was there to draw blood for "cardiac" reasons or the respiratory therapist who came in to help her with a treatment and said "she is still on *this thing*? if she isn't off in a week, they usually do a trach..."
- uh, mom can hear you. she is awake and alert and now, thank you, scared to death.
- it seems to me the ones who are silent you don't wish for them to be and the ones who are not, you do.
23 comments:
I was treading with you and your Mom at Mass today.
I do so sympathize, Penni... I have now developed a fear and loathing towards all things medical because of my experiences with dad. "He's a human being, you idiots!"
I hope and pray that your mom witll improve despite what the doctors may or may not say...
Penni:
I will pray for you and your mom. May 2007 bring you the peace that only Christ can bring.
terry
penni;
Still praying for you and your family.
Take your mom's doctor's aside and say something about the lose lips of the staff.
So sorry for all this. I will certainly pray for your peace and wisdom.
i understand they think they are being helpful. we went to see mom tonight and she was sleeping, seemingly quite soundly, so we didn't even enter her room, other than for me to blow her a kiss.
she is suffering...how can she not be with the tubes and such? she is struggling to breathe and it is really difficult to watch with objectivity because she is my mother.
if for no other reason, through this trial, i am finding out exactly how much my mother means to me. i am praying she has enough fight in her to carry on.
this is hard. really, really hard.
I wish I knew the right words to say to bring you comfort and peace at this time, but instead I pray to the the Comforter and Peace-Giver and implore Him to strengthen you, to hold you up and put you back together when you feel undone. I pray for peace for your mother, that she may be guarded from the insensitivities and dumb ass attitudes of those who should know better than to loosen their tongues and upset her with their thoughtless words.
Lord, hear us.
Amen.
It is so frustrating to be on that end of things when you are used to being on the other side, no doubt. You get so many cooks in the kitchen, someone forgets to explain what they are cooking and why. My heart goes out to you Penni, and I will continue to hold you and your mom in my prayers as they sort out what is going on. Any chance you'd email your address to me.. maybe to the cafe? I'd love to send you something to hold onto. (samtzmom at mac dot com)
Wow Panni. I just am at a loss for words. But my prayers are assured. And never worry about asking too often for prayers!
Praying for you Penni! It's so hard to see our parents this way. My mom is going through similiar situation. She has a cardiologist, oncologist, orthopedic surgeon plus her internal medicine specialist for her diabetes and each one feels their specialty needs priority treatment (I'm siding with the cardiologist because if your heart isn't healthy, what is the point of treating anything else). Bone weary exhaustion ...yep I know the feeling and it's hard ..Take care and feel the prayers lift you up!
Penni, I will pray for peace and lack of pain for your mom, and peace for the rest of your family. Try to get some rest. Remember God is right there holding your mom's hand, every minute.
praying my friend.
Pen: I've been out of the blog world for a few days, so I'm just catching up with you and this news.
I'm so sorry for this trial you, your Mother & siblings are going through right now.
I'm offering your name up to our Father right now and will continue to do so.
I love you.
Pen,
It's been too long since I've visited your blog. Your burden is heavy. Praying for peace for you and yours.
Prayers your way.
The worst part is not knowing. I am praying for your mom and for you, Penni. Hugs.
Pen, praying for you and your mom...
i have THE most amazing friends known to man. even if i have only met, oh, just ONE of you in real life, you are as real to me as my friends in real life and you are breathing life into me with your words.
God bless you all. thank you so much for your prayers for my mom and for us, they are tremendously sustaining.
Girl, you know how it is -- all on the med staff mean well, but.. they want answers, and want them stat. Just keep in mind that this is your Mom's body, she and God alone own it, and she and God (first and foremost) decide what to do for it.. if someone talks past her to you, look your mom in the eye and wait for an answer from her. If she doesn't know what to answer, just get her approval for whatever test. Ultimately, God is at the helm, yes, but He gave her this body and there's much it can still do just fine. I pray this sounded helpful.
I will certainly keep her and you all in prayer.
Love,
Honora
Penni, I am praying for you, your mom, and your whole family.
I wanted to answer your comment on my blog - I'm pasting it here too so that you don't have to go searching through my comment section, lol. :)
"I was scanning bios of St. Sebastian for awhile to see if I could come up with anything, and then it hit me - one of the best parts of last year was reading the bio of St. George, and keeping it in mind all year, so that when something happened you had that wonderful "gasp" moment of realizing that was a very "St. George" type of moment, or in your case, St. Sebastian! I don't want to take that away from you by guessing about what having St. Sebastian as a patron might mean to you. :)"
Especially with what you are going through right now -- those exciting moments where you just *know* St. Sebastian must have been looking out for you or guiding you are very uplifting.
Keeping you in my heart today...
Praying now, for you and your mom. In St. Francis and St. Clare,
Warren
Penni:
Moments ago, I sent you an email, containing some Scriptures that will hopefully offer some comfort and strength, in the midst of these current sufferings and struggles. I can empathize with the pain and worry, as my own mother's state of health has been declining very rapidly these past 10 yrs (since her heart attack in 1996). I have worked in the medical field for a very long time, and have seen some terribly difficult ordeals, such as yours, time and time again. The profound difference that you and your mom have access to is your Faith, Hope and Confidence in the provisions of God. I pray that the Comforter will bring you peace and strength, day by day.
Your pain is a direct connection to the love and empathy you feel for your mother. This shines thru in every single word you have written.
In His Love,
kristin
Penni, I am so sorry to hear what your mom is going through. My heart and prayers go out to you and her. I'm so sorry. :hugs:
Love, Janis
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