Mornings with God

anthony ulinski
Sliced pears and blue coffee pot
2003
oil on canvas
24" x 20"
private collection

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...of His fullness, we have all had a share -- love following upon love. John 1:16

I was stricken when I came upon this verse in the first chapter of John this morning. How many times have I read the first chapter of John? How many times has it been read to me after Mass in a litany of prayers by Fr. Malcolm?

Why did I not hear it before?

Digression: I have so many translations online and in real life in my home, but my favorite translation of all-time is the 1971-1972 edition, New American Bible, Catholic Bible Publishers, Wichita, Kansas. It took me a very long time to find it and I am desperate to find one that is a bit more "tote-able" as this one is a coffee table book and I need a bit of room when I open it. Hard to take notes when I am reading because it is bulky. If anyone has any other suggestions, I am open to them.

Back to my original thought -- this verse, above, is lovely, pure, simple. It took my breath away, like what happens when I read a particular Psalm or Song of Solomon. I find it an incredible thing that this Book, this ancient book is so alive today and so geared toward our lives and our hearts, our thoughts, the same as it was so long ago.

Indeed, God's word is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword. It penetrates and divides soul and spirit, joints and marrow;
it judges the reflections and thoughts of the heart.
(Hebrews 4:12)

Remarkable. How many of us really want our thoughts and intents discerned? It shows me that although He can reach me through the sweetness and light verses like the first one I quoted, above...

Nothing is concealed from Him;
all lies bare and exposed to the eyes of Him to whom we must render an account.
(Hebrews 4:13)

... God also reminds me He is merciful and just, able and worthy to Judge.

I am also reminded that while I wouldn't change my new-found habit of communing with God first thing in the morning, He is not the easiest Deity to have breakfast with...

treading water ...

Treading Water in Eden
Bill Bragg
Oil on Canvas
52 x 52 inches

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...i keep from sinking.

weariness and thoughts follow, if for no reason other than to put this as a bit of a chronicle of events. it is the holiday, i don't want to bother my friends with troublesome phone calls :)

my house is full of slumbering people, the stress of the last three days weighing everyone down and tiring everyone out.

• i am the mediator for my family with my mother's physicians. she did not fare as well as we would have hoped on her second trial today and was, therefore, not extubated as we had planned for her. isn't that funny, how we plan these things? God obviously had other things in mind for her. the trial fatigues her - it is like a healthy person trying to take in their air through a straw, so for someone who is not feeling so well in the lung department, it is very stressful.

• the cardiologist was in today and said something about her "heart disease." uh, what heart disease? seems there have been changes in her ekg and they need to do further testing; until then, they are playing a waiting game as far as her extubation is concerned. nothing can happen until that occurs.

• i went to Mass yesterday and just cried from about the time i sat until the time i rose to leave. i am undone by all of this but unable to express any emotion other than strength in front of mom and my siblings because i have a basic knowledge of things medical. which really equals zero unless it has to do with labor & delivery and handing off the hemostat at the proper time or loading the correct suture. if i wear scrubs, it lends to more credibility. if i wear street clothes, the doctors seem to talk down to me as if i have the brain capacity of a 4 year old. the chances i'll arrive in scrubs tomorrow is a pretty good one as i would rather have them use their polysyllabic words and dash off to dictionary.com to see what it is they are talking about.

• also learned today she has a gastroenterologist and they have ordered a ct scan of her abdomen for tomorrow. uhmmmm, why? no test is ordered without thought toward what is suspected; they are certainly silent on these matters and it only serves to add to the frustration.

• the most annoying thing of all is the looseness of the lips of those who are involved in her care to a lesser degree: the lab tech, who said she was there to draw blood for "cardiac" reasons or the respiratory therapist who came in to help her with a treatment and said "she is still on *this thing*? if she isn't off in a week, they usually do a trach..."

• uh, mom can hear you. she is awake and alert and now, thank you, scared to death.

• it seems to me the ones who are silent you don't wish for them to be and the ones who are not, you do.