so, i went to a *scheduled* confession today...

...which means i called ahead of time for an appointment. i had some serious talking to do and didn't want to take up his confessional time from 3:30 to 4:15 before Mass started. i went in at 1:00 pm.

(captain potty mouth warning, ahead)

i have had some heavy, heavy burdens on my heart lately and felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to go see our priest, in lieu of visiting my therapist, barb, who is away until monday. i arrived and he wasn't ready until after 1:10, but that was okay, i am not always so prompt myself.

i sat across from him and said "i have been trying to think of how to start this out all day, so i will give you a brief synopsis and tell you what is going on." a small hint: it has to do with my marriage. as soon as he heard that, he stopped me dead in my tracks and said "i don't want to discuss this any further until your husband is present."

huh?

whaaaat?

"oh, not to discuss details, but since you are married, you should go through marriage counseling and just know that i will let you know there are no absolutes, you may end up in divorce."

excuse me for this expression, but what the fuck????

as i sat and listened incredulously, my mind was racing as the tears were rolling down my cheeks -- i wasn't there for a divorce, i was there to relieve myself of my burdens, confess my sins, and have some good advice as to how to put things before the Lord, get back on track, et cetera. before i left after a good 20 minute discussion about having jimbo present, i said, "monsignor, i am supposed to be Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist today..." he said, "what you have done is wrong, but not a mortal sin; you are free to distribute."

again, i sat there, incredulous. that was not what i thought i would hear, and at best, thought i would get a blessing to go and "sin no more." wtf? if it ain't a sin, why not keep at it, eh? is not the priest supposed to be in persona christi? would Jesus really think what i *did* was not a sin? if it plagued my heart so deeply, how can that be true?

i left and literally bawled my eyes out all afternoon. i feel so many emotions right now; i had a long talk with The Hub when he got home after Mass and without admitting my *specifics* to him, he said he would go for counseling --- honestly, people, and i say this without humility or pride or anything else: this problem is something that is all me, not him. if he were responsible for my short-comings, i'd be all for counseling, but i was the one who fucked up, not him, and it is a pattern i have repeated since i was about 14 years old.

maybe it's time to change my meds. i will call my therapist on monday, and feel like i am right back to the freaking drawing board about whether or not i wish to remain a Catholic if someone, who is a Monsignor, wishes to treat a long-time parishioner this way.

i know, i know: although he is a priest, he is human, he is not the Catholic Church. i beg to differ tonight; perhaps tomorrow, i will have a different outlook. i am totally out of my head at this point.

i have never, in the 12 years of being Catholic, left the confessional so confused and without feeling the grace that passes all understanding.