healing and denial.

Bette Linderman - Denial. Then Acceptance-With No Hint of Surrender, 2007. Courtesy of the Artist and Art Obje

since this is my space to vent about things most unpleasant, you have been warned.

yesterday was really weird. really weird.

i woke up and did my usual surfing while drinking coffee and knew i had my 10:00 meeting to go to. great meeting, by the way. huge. while i'd like to say "so many of them," but it's more like "so many of us." at the end of the meeting someone said "tonight's the meeting for beginners," i said "and i'd love to go, but i know it will be a problem for my husband."

it was.

his mood was *off* all day and and made a comment to me along the lines of "i don't know why you would have to go back -- you already went to a meeting!" he thinks i am going "overboard." he doesn't understand my attendance at meetings, going every night, for a problem that doesn't seem like a problem to him. i sat as i listened to him and saw the pain on his face. he apologized, but then added "i am sick of the drama in this house."

let me tell you folks, and trust me when i tell you this: most of the drama occurred when i was drinking, alone and on the internet, while he was sleeping.

i gently explained (for the nth time) that my step-father was a prescription drug addict. my natural father, although i only really knew him the last year of his life, was a 17-sober, recovering member of AA during his final days. my mom has alcohol dependency, as does at one of my brothers. i have been in or around alcohol or substance abuse my entire life ---> how could i not, at the very least, have co-dependency issues? at the very freaking least?

one of the first notes i took at an AA meeting is "there are no rules for membership other than the desire to stop drinking." Got that. the 12 steps are "suggestions." Got that, too.

since i have lived my life under the shadow of addiction for my entire 44 years, and i woke up to a memory of the events the previous night two weeks ago that was alarming and spoke to me in such a way as to say "you have a problem and you need to stop drinking now," why should i do that alone and unsupported, other than by a husband who only knows how to tell me "you're fine?" i am sorry, but i want to know why the fuck i act the way i do. how to change my behavior. two weeks ago, it was as if i was going 90 miles an hour toward a brick wall and i slammed on the brakes just in time; i was given another chance because i scared the shit out of myself. what on earth would make me get back behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking) and gun the engine for another go?

that's insanity.

i said to him, "would you rather me wait another 10 years and get my life so out of control that i can go with your blessing? wait until i screw our finances into the ground because of my alcohol purchases, my inability to get up and go to work, putting our children through hell, getting to know the police on a first-name basis (and insert bad internet behavior, unspoken, here) ....before i *merit* your permission to help myself? no. i want to be a better wife, a better mother now. not in 10 years. now."

with that i got off my chair and walked into the other room to get away from the conversation.

things were better after dinner, and we finished in time for me to go to my meeting...one he was actually encouraging me to go to (yeah....i was surprised too). in fact, he gave me my dollar for the basket and said, "see you when you get home."

it's a start, and i am grateful for it.

healing. doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. living in denial isn't much fun, either.


Kat said...

I just had a phone conversation with my mother on the whole manic depression thing. Insert manic depression and counseling into the conversation you had with your husband and you know what my morning was like (AT WORK!!!! because I refuse to give my mother my phone number)... when she said "oh your fine you don't need medication or therapy..." I wanted to scream.

Owen said...

Something my mother wanted my father to do was to get help. He never did, not until it was well past too late then he wondered why he was alone - having pushed everyone who loved him away. Don't die like he did, alone and very old at 76. In fact, don't even live like he did...get all the help you need and live.

O onionboy.ca {arts & fath} luminousmiseries.ca {faith & art}

~m2~ said...

thanks kids -- i am. i went to my meeting tonight and am glad i did. i read some of my step book at lunch and am also glad i did that.

i want to not want to drink. i want to not feel obsessed over the fact that i am not drinking. i wish i was normal and not twisted in my thinking.

Gabrielle said...

Been reading thru recent posts, penni, and see so much here to be optimistic about. I hope your husband will continue to support you, even if the "drama" and the extent of the drinking was rather hidden from him, and he doesn't understand (right now) why you want to attend AA.