healing and denial.

Bette Linderman - Denial. Then Acceptance-With No Hint of Surrender, 2007. Courtesy of the Artist and Art Obje

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since this is my space to vent about things most unpleasant, you have been warned.

yesterday was really weird. really weird.

i woke up and did my usual surfing while drinking coffee and knew i had my 10:00 meeting to go to. great meeting, by the way. huge. while i'd like to say "so many of them," but it's more like "so many of us." at the end of the meeting someone said "tonight's the meeting for beginners," i said "and i'd love to go, but i know it will be a problem for my husband."

it was.

his mood was *off* all day and and made a comment to me along the lines of "i don't know why you would have to go back -- you already went to a meeting!" he thinks i am going "overboard." he doesn't understand my attendance at meetings, going every night, for a problem that doesn't seem like a problem to him. i sat as i listened to him and saw the pain on his face. he apologized, but then added "i am sick of the drama in this house."

let me tell you folks, and trust me when i tell you this: most of the drama occurred when i was drinking, alone and on the internet, while he was sleeping.

i gently explained (for the nth time) that my step-father was a prescription drug addict. my natural father, although i only really knew him the last year of his life, was a 17-sober, recovering member of AA during his final days. my mom has alcohol dependency, as does at one of my brothers. i have been in or around alcohol or substance abuse my entire life ---> how could i not, at the very least, have co-dependency issues? at the very freaking least?

one of the first notes i took at an AA meeting is "there are no rules for membership other than the desire to stop drinking." Got that. the 12 steps are "suggestions." Got that, too.

since i have lived my life under the shadow of addiction for my entire 44 years, and i woke up to a memory of the events the previous night two weeks ago that was alarming and spoke to me in such a way as to say "you have a problem and you need to stop drinking now," why should i do that alone and unsupported, other than by a husband who only knows how to tell me "you're fine?" i am sorry, but i want to know why the fuck i act the way i do. how to change my behavior. two weeks ago, it was as if i was going 90 miles an hour toward a brick wall and i slammed on the brakes just in time; i was given another chance because i scared the shit out of myself. what on earth would make me get back behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking) and gun the engine for another go?

that's insanity.

i said to him, "would you rather me wait another 10 years and get my life so out of control that i can go with your blessing? wait until i screw our finances into the ground because of my alcohol purchases, my inability to get up and go to work, putting our children through hell, getting to know the police on a first-name basis (and insert bad internet behavior, unspoken, here) ....before i *merit* your permission to help myself? no. i want to be a better wife, a better mother now. not in 10 years. now."

with that i got off my chair and walked into the other room to get away from the conversation.

things were better after dinner, and we finished in time for me to go to my meeting...one he was actually encouraging me to go to (yeah....i was surprised too). in fact, he gave me my dollar for the basket and said, "see you when you get home."

it's a start, and i am grateful for it.

healing. doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. living in denial isn't much fun, either.

coming clean

i have spoken of my issues with addictions in the past, so much so that i won't go overboard in this post with the self-linky-love. you could, however, do a search on this blog and discover my past threads if you are even remotely interested in what i have said in the past. (oh, and why wouldn't you be??)

what i have now done, and believe me when i tell you it did not come from me, was made the decision to stop drinking alcohol and start attending AA meetings. i had a few incidents that surrounded my drinking over the past few months (years??) that while they may be blog-worthy reading, are beyond anything even i am desirous of sharing with God, let alone my precious few readers, here.

by the way ---> today is Day 10 of sobriety :)

meanwhile, the blog i began to discuss at length for my paxil withdrawals has now morphed into my journey with AA. i am sharing this information with you here so (a) you know where i am if i have not been keeping up with m2, and (b) if you want to read what i have been experiencing, you are welcomed to do so. i have been pretty much an open book and honest with everyone but myself and it is time to put that to an end and come clean.

peace.

pencil drawing, colorized on computer
by gregvan

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i walked in and immediately, a woman with a warm smile and had me sit with "me and the girls." i must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

a booklet with meeting dates and times was passed around and all ladies in attendance added their phone numbers to the back, in case i should wish to call them. in fact, the Open Arms Lady said i should call at least two of them this week, just to check in.

i sat and listened. i went in thinking maybe i didn't *need* to be there, that i am not *that* bad...the self-doubting, the devil whispering into my ear anything that would make me turn the car around and go home. prior to getting out of my car and walking toward the church and into the meeting, i said a quick arrow prayer: "God if i am to be here, keep it simple. let me know under no uncertain terms that this is for me."

i got out, walked toward the glow of the open doors and went in. that was when i was met by Open Arms.

it was a step meeting. there was *usual* business discussed and the first step was recited from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (which Open Arms lady purchased for me and gave to me as a gift before i left). they went around the room, each member reading a paragraph from the first step - 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

powerless?
unmanageable?

wow. as i sat and listened as they read aloud, the second to the last paragraph struck a chord in me:

Why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely tried to practice the AA program unless they have hit bottom. For practicing AA's remaining eleven steps means the adoption of attitudes and actions that almost no alcoholic who is still drinking can dream of taking....Who wishes to be rigorously honest and tolerant? Who wants to confess his faults to another and make restitution for harm done?...No, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care for this prospect--unless he has to do these things in order to stay alive himself.

and there it was. my *sign* -- i may not have hit rock bottom -- but i find i am pulling myself up before i do and it is my desire to never pick up a drink again. i cannot believe this is coming out of me as i always said if i couldn't drink wine ever again, i did not know what i would do with myself. and yet, i mean it. i mean it for at least today, even though Open Arms suggested i attend 90 meetings in 90 days. a jump-start, if you will. and true to her warmth, she hugged me good-bye and said "keep coming back."

so many things that were cliches to me are now going to come to life. i rushed through the house and grabbed the first journal i could find and took it with me last night, but sat with it on my lap and simply listened. when i came home, that is when it poured out of me - all the thoughts, words. when i closed the book itself, i noticed what was imprinted on the front:

Nothing is worth more than this day -- Goethe

how true.

stepping off.

i made a telephone call today and go to my first meeting tonight, which is "open" and a "step meeting."

the lady i spoke with on the phone sounded really nice and supportive; thank God she was because i could not imagine calling the number i called and getting someone without an ounce of desire to be on the other end of the phone. she is probably a godsend to many, i know she was to me. so much so that she gave me her home telephone number and said i could call her, any time.

i am stepping out of my comfort zone tonight at about 6:45 p.m. i am going to obtain information and will sit and listen and from what "debbie" said today, get my first "chip."

i just want to get well.

milestone for today: i was given a gift of a bottle of chardonnay. one of my favorites. and when the *benefactor* left the building, i turned and gave it to my co-worker. it was painful, but i cannot have it in my home.

there ya go.

how brilliant would it all be if i could get to a place where i would never have to take anything for anxiety or depression again? but i am digressing or projecting (one or the other). just for today, i want to be well. i want to know why i am prone to gravitating toward that which is so freaking pleasurable at first, but then can slowly, chronically, and progressively be out to get me for good.

so much for my anonymity here -- will keep y'all posted.

Day 7

i know - it's only 8 a.m., but so far, i've baked muffins and read some blogs, made coffee, and checked out my daughter's best friend's (alana's) flickr account - she got a new camera and actually has a pretty good eye, especially for someone who has been taking pics for about 24 hours and is all of 14 years old :)


also felt it was time for a little cat blogging. the first pic is alana's cat, *snowy* who in this pic, to me, looks very nonplus so he matches my early morning mood.

now, we move on to *petey*, who has sweet face in this pic, so i figured i'd add him for good measure since i am going to spend time with my family today...i thought she had a good capture, regardless.

(however, i have also been talking with God and am assured He will be with me today as i navigate the waters of River Dysfunctional, so i believe it should be a good day.)

off to the pharmacy to get the new Rx. thank you for indulging me in my addiction/withdrawal postings. this is the tough mean time and i feel the prayers of the saints who are helping me through...

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edited to add:

aside from a brief, but significant internal meltdown in the check-out line of the CVS, and later, upon arriving at home, the burst-into-tears-for-no-good-reason, the day went pretty well.

being at my brother & sister-in-law's house was actually brilliant and it was really lovely seeing all of my *sisters* sitting at the table and talking amicably. and drinking coronas, but i don't believe that is why - i think some mending and reparation is going on and it is really cool to witness.

even when i felt removed. i want to hasten to add that it is Me not Them. i am removing myself when it gets odd on the inside. at least for now.

ahem.

otherwise, mom looked pretty good, save for a couple of needed pounds, and all went swimmingly.

yay :)

did i mention in my quiet time, i have picked up an old hand-quilting project? it seems to center me and it is good for my soul. the only trouble is, and anyone who does handwork and has cats can attest to this: a cat will jump on my lap, regardless of whether there is room with an 18" quilt hoop on it.

petey, especially.


more on that later, just felt like sharing *where i am*

/day 7

food for thought

from a very powerful book, The Holy Way by Paula Huston

"Desire can lead us to create. But disordered desire starts the chain of events that leads to evil when in its pain and ignorance it imagines the unreal and attaches itself to these images."

further into the chapter, in the author's words:

Under fearful conditions, we crave what we think will calm our self-doubts. Our natural desire to be loved, for example, becomes an obsessive craving that can only be assuaged by fantasy -- a fantasy that allows us to become more beautiful, intelligent, and accomplished than we really are. This, in turn, allows us to attract astonishing people like ourselves into love affairs -- affairs that, even if we never acted them out physically, are legendary for their passion and depth. Absorbed in fantasy, we cannot see who is really in front of us; and certainly, we cannot love.

...

my addiction: coming clean

Photographer: Beard & Howell

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One of the comments I received in my last post was a bit surprising to me:

As for the addiction issue - I'm still waiting to find out what it is that you're addicted to! Geesh, pen. Crack? Men? Sex? doesn't make you any less a child of God for Heaven's sake.

And THAT'S why He's wanting you to "come clean".

I must say, I smiled but was a bit taken aback by this and I'll tell you why: there are a lot of folks out here in cyberspace that feel comfortable talking about whatever their issues are quite openly. I am transparent, I realize that, but I am also (aside from this blog) a very private person.

If I were to tell you that my addiction is heroin, what would your response be? Would you say "wow, that must be really difficult," and go about your business because you cannot identify with such an addiction? It is foreign enough to everyone unless they know someone or are someone who is in the throes of something so controlling they cannot see past that moment.

What if it were pornography or sex? Strange addictions for a woman, right? However, it is just as destructive to a woman to bear such an addiction as it is for a man. No less damaging, either, to herself or those around who love her.

If I were to say I had an issue with men, as was one of those listed -- what say you then? I can already feel the feathers ruffling, feel the "how could you?"s echoing through cyberspace because such an addiction wouldn't be moral or upright. You see, if it were physical, that's one thing....traipse into the emotional, moral aisle and you are looking at a whole different fruit.

How about food or drink? That is another spot where it would be passed off as if it were nothing - tough it out, get out of the kitchen, get away from the buffet line, you'll be fine. You lack self-control, you should know better, see a nutritionist....another safe thing to say, right, that these would be a sampling of responses I could potentially receive.

The way I see it, an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. The varying degrees thereof and the way we handle it within and without ourselves is just that: the way we deal. Would it make you less inclined to love on me if you knew what it was? I believe it would. Would you love me more? You might. But this is where we differ: I don't believe it is necessary to tell you *what* exactly my addiction is, I just feel it is necessary to tell you that I am struggling, that my struggle is real, and it can be life-altering if I continue to pursue it, as would anything that I would term "idolatrous."

Basically, what I am saying is "my secret is mine." Whether anyone feels this is compelling or not is of no moment - whether naming it would make it more *real* for you doesn't make it *less real* for me if I choose not to. What I do realize, however, is I am no less a child of God because I bear these afflictions -- I also realize I have a very real problem and the way I am dealing with it at this moment in time is to write about it in a round-about way and take frequent naps.

This is how I am choosing to get through today. Tomorrow, however, may be another story.

When you love people, you see all the good in them, all the Christ in them. God sees Christ, His Son, in us and loves us. And so we should see Christ in others, and nothing else, and love them. There can never be enough of it. There can never be enough thinking about it. St. John of the Cross said that where there was no love, put love and you would take out love.

Dorothy Day
On Pilgrimage

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we had a known crack-addicted prostitute as a patient a few weeks ago. she has been pregnant numerous times and has always had her babies, even though none of them are with her and were all given up for adoption i believe through the state.

i remembered her name and found out we delivered her last baby early this past summer. she is pregnant again and was in due to complications most likely attributed to her chronic and persistent drug use. one of the nurses that had been given this patient as part of her assignment said she didn't know if she could "morally do a good job taking care of her," based on the reasons stated herein. there was an on-going discussion at the desk with the other nurses and finally, i was asked how i felt about the situation. all i said was "we don't know where she is in her process, in her life, what her life is like...it would be really easy to judge her just knowing what we know on paper and based on what she said in her history. the harder thing i think we are called to do is to take care of her as best we can and offer it up as an act of prayer. i doubt she will get any better care anywhere else...just keep praying," and with that, i walked off to distribute linens and introduce myself to my patients.

what i found out during the course of my day was this: she enjoys watching game shows and the show CSI; she wears glasses and cares about washing up and cleaning her teeth...she drank a lot of water and enjoyed gingerale. she seemed much younger than her mid-30's and felt pain for what she was going through, what she has put her baby through. and yeah, has a crack cocaine addiction and felt shame about it.

there is so much more i could say about my experience, but i will end with this: she was actually one of the easiest patients i have ever had to care for.


And so we should see Christ in others, and nothing else, and love them.

addiction and grace

just because God has a great sense of humor, a book i had on backorder was delivered today, shortly after i posted about my compulsion to eat french fries.

h/t to hope, who encouraged me unknowingly to purchase a book that i believe will help in more ways than one...

metanoia

i have a pretty extensive lists of blogs i visit and being so out of commission doing other things lately (read: nothing), i've had a wonderful chance to catch up on my reading. there are so many blogs out there saying so many good things, i thought every now and again i'd highlight one that struck a chord (resonated, if you will) with something i am attempting to do in my life, starting yesterday at 4:00 p.m.

a backslide isn't a relapse, or so i was told in addictions counseling class. i am aware of my backsliding ways and i think after said slide of yesterday afternoon, i got fed up with myself, went up to my prayer room and dropped to my knees. i am finally sick of myself and feel it is time to repent and change my ways. Petey, my faithful cat-panion who overheard my confession to God, acknowledged my sincerity by nuzzling up to me and licking the salt from my face. God implanted a bit of ease and peace to my sorrowing heart. it was good.

it was by no small coincidence that at yesterday afternoon's Mass, repentance was a topic that was looming large. it felt good to listen to it. i needed to hear it, just as i needed to read the homily of a thoughtful priest this morning:

The idea of changing our ways, of changing our hearts, is the idea of metanoia. It is a Greek word that literally means “change of heart”. It means that we look at the things we have done wrong in our lives and truly regret these sins. It means repentance which is being sorry. This kind of change of heart and repentance usually leads to conversion where the person really tries to change his ways. He embarks on a new life with God and lives according to God’s ways. This whole process of repentance and conversion is, of course, under the heading of God’s Grace which is what moves a person to change his or her heart...

God doesn’t just call us to change, and then leave us on our own to do it. He gives us all the help in the world to do it. When we receive the grace of the sacraments, we receive God's help.

grace.

God's grace is so good.