i know! why don't i talk about alcoholism?

so the last (almost) two weeks have been challenging to say the least. those of you who know me can attest to my angsty self. those who *REALLY* know me via email and phone calls actually agree i have good reason to be angsty.

so let's see, what is the best thought i have had since i've been spending so much time in my head? i know! let's quit all of our 12-step programs! that's it!! go from total love and support to desolate isolation. yeah. that sounds good.

so let's just talk myself into not being an alcoholic. i mean, i wasn't that bad, right? so why haven't i shared my experience in detail? if it wasn't that bad, why not have at it? [well, because my experience led me to another fellowship, which we can't list here because it is too revealing. but i don't seem to need that group, either, so i backed out of the last two meetings, and modified my online memberships to daily digests because i was receiving so many emails, i thought the flylady was haunting me for withdrawing from her group altogether.]

(did you get all that?)

so i join the compulsive overeater group and find i don't need them because i have perfect control over every piece of chocolate cake (and peach cake, truth be told, this evening) that goes into my mouth.

(spinning out of control, like a top. the top needs to be stopped or will run out of steam, then what will i be left with?) (myself.) (not good company.)

i am hurting. i have no place to go with my pain. i told my home group this morning at the end of the hour that i felt like i was in the midst of convincing myself i am not an alcoholic so i can gracefully fade out of my morning meetings and nobody would be the wiser and i could go back to drinking again, that i was scaring myself because i felt as though i was laying the foundation to go back out and drink and the ONLY reason i came into AA was because i wanted to stop drinking, and i am freaking out on the inside because i am dealing with disappointment on a daily basis, expectations that have been dashed, and realizations that are gut-wrenching at their core.

my inside self is telling me i need something to stop the pain. that i wasn't "that bad." that i am not "like the others" and "i can handle it." i have myself so convinced that i even journaled about it, that the food thing is my core addiction and now that i have that all figured out, i can start drinking wine again.

[i seem to fail to remember where, exactly, my last glass of merlot *took* me...then the fog clears.]

if i were reading this or listening to another member share what i did this morning objectively, i would have to say that i would never suggest to someone who has been attending AA meetings at least 6-7 days per week for nearly 9 months straight that they were not an alcoholic and that they should go and purchase a bottle of red. i would say something along the lines of "i am so glad you said something! call me when it gets bad, make sure you call me so you don't pick up because you deserve sobriety and a healthy life, all the way around. you are worth so much more than that $18 bottle will afford you! and that pain you speak of? yes, it is acute, but it too shall pass and if you think you are going through hell, keep going...don't turn around now!"

why is the best advice i have that which i give out to others? time to start listening to that inner voice again.

so no, i did not pick up a drink today. i am glad this 24 hours is now over.

thanks for letting me share.

diamond in the rough

this admission thing is pretty cool. now that the admitting part is over, the acting as if part steps to the forefront. sure, the first few days i was on a pink cloud of sorts, feeling like "it has lifted!" and it is due, in part, to the relationship with the husband flying along seamlessly. i know that will come to an abrupt halt as it almost always does, hence the ebb and flow of the married life. i am also thinking that things can't always be "like new" when you have been married 19 years, together almost 21. a deeper thing must take over. patience, tolerance.

so far, i'm doing just fine.

in other news, i pick up my 6 month chip today. i remember sitting in the rooms for the first couple of weeks, covetous over those receiving their monthly stipends, marveling at those who made it into the "yearly" category. thinking to myself, "i'll never make it." i know, i know - work the steps. i actually picked up a second sponsor since having time with Wendy is so difficult. this lady has 29 years of sobriety, but is a "snowbird" who flies south in the winter. i figured between the two of them, i'm covered. (some are sicker than others, right? need all the help i can get...)

i am 6 months sober and yet, wrestle daily with the notion of "i'll never be able to drink a glass of wine again..." still. i have to be careful of the movies i watch because of the romantic drinking but now, the romantic romance. one would think it easy to differentiate between hollywood and penni's life which is a obvious to an outsider; to yours truly? not so much. with all the writing and journaling i do, and now openly discussing my addiction to fantasy and intrigue, you would think i'd be a torrid affair novelist. honestly, i don't even read those books -- maybe when i was like 13 i read a romance novel. but it doesn't interest me. i guess, however, if one would pick up and read my journals, you would beg to differ.

funny thing, that.

so here i am, musing over the past six months. wondering why i don't "feel" like i have been sober for a half a year, wondering if i'll ever get over the "i can'ts" and hopeful still, that for today, i won't pick up a drink.

or a man :)

(kidding, family members who read my blog!)

some days, if that is the best thing i can do, i am faring pretty well. even diamonds start as coal.

First Step

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

i meet with my sponsor tonight after work to do my first step. it's been a long time coming. i did my homework over a month ago, but i haven't seen her because of travel. each time we talk, she says "pen, if you need to find another sponsor who is there, i will be more than happy to be your friend." i don't feel that is the right thing for me at this time. i feel she is to be my sponsor, regardless of her travel schedule, if she'll have me.

i am nervous as i need to discuss things with her face-to-face that i have not shared with her over the phone.

much easier, methinks, to share things over a cup of coffee.

depression

On the Threshold of Eternity. In 1890, Vincent van Gogh

apparently the meds i switched over to a while back are not as effective as i would have hoped they would be.

[i am going to see my therapist on monday. just making the appointment made me feel a bit better.]

oh, i realize i have external circumstances pressing in on me. trying to remain sober. trying to feel better about my self. trying to be a good, faithful wife when i simply feel like a roommate. my therapist will help me sort through all of that and if she feels it is a medical issue, i know she will refer me out to have my script changed.

[which i dread, but it would be better than feeling like this.]

i have been in an odd place. depression sucks, people. it is a dark area, one that can be very lonely and isolated. however, since i am in AA, it has taught me i need to go work, attend meetings, talk to people on the telephone. it helps. i guess. if i were left to my own devices, however, i would not leave the house, i would open a big ole bottle of red, turn off the phone, and watch romantic movies.

instead, however, i do the next right thing.

[off to a meeting.]

90 days

yesterday i celebrated 90 days of continuous sobriety. when compared to someone with 17 years, it is a mere drop in the bucket. "relate don't compare." but whatever - i have 90 days and i am pretty happy about that. (by the way -- the "90 meetings in 90 days i was so concerned about? i probably did about 120 meetings in 90 days, at least - many, many times i doubled up. what do you know :)

max's surgery went well, aside from an extra night in the hospital because of swelling. we are at an odd stage where he is hungry, cannot eat yet, and is getting bitter when we eat. there has to be a middle ground, i am hopeful we will find it. he was in an "off" mood yesterday, but it could simply be because he is bored and wants to get out, but doesn't feel well enough to do anything. he goes to the doctor's tomorrow, so i am anxious to see if he's lost any more weight (he dropped 10 pounds from being on liquids for one week prior to surgery. pretty sweet jump-start.)

right now in my life, i feel like i am treading water. i went to confession yesterday and did a 5th step with my priest, felt pretty good about it when all was said about what i'd done (or failed to do) and was looking at the 12-step list they had at the meeting last night and stopped at

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

these two gave me pause as i really think they go hand-in-hand. i am totally ready to have God remove my defects of character, but stop short of humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings, because if i know God, He will kick my ass breaking me of my defects.

does anyone understand what i am saying?

if i pray for patience, i know He is generous in dishing me situations that will try my patience. i learned not to ask for that a long time ago. doing something simple, like asking in prayer for Him to "direct my thinking" is an easy one. asking Him to help me "be a better person" or to "help someone who is struggling," easy.

asking Him to remove my defects of character? not so much. girlfriend has a boatload of defects, most of which are pretty much summed up in the 7 deadly sins. (well, maybe not so much greed or envy, but the others i nod in affirmation when i read them...)

where does that leave me? i trust in God, yes. i believe He will lead and guide me into all truths, yes. i have been on a pretty good run this week and am afraid of upsetting the apple cart. i know we all have fear of the unknown, and i know my imagination can totally run away from me, so why is it i cannot "let go and let God?" i cannot handle my crap on my own, i recognize the need for God in my life, and i am willing to turn my life and my will over to His care and protection. i know all this. "care and protection" sounds like a walk in the park compared to "remove all my shortcomings."

i cannot imagine what He will do, so i guess i will skip steps 6 and 7 and go onto 8...

7. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
8. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

oh, wow...


[could someone assist me with my apple cart?]

"You're gonna get your feelings back....and you're gonna hate it....and you're gonna love it."

Deb T., AA

please -- remain seated.

what is seemingly such a slow process (because it is such a slow process), i wish my days weren't so up and down. stop the ride, i want to get off. [like it was so under control when i drank. ha.]

my meetings the last three days have been phenomenal. really compelling, worthy, intense, dramatic, touching. and i now have two chips and a bunch of attagirls :)

[really awesome.]

i think in an effort to articulate what i am feeling, the best way to describe myself for today is this: i am not used to being in a subordinate position. i am used to being a leader of sorts, one who is self-assured and confident and able to reach out to others who are suffering. i do not like being the suffering one. not at all. i know there are others who are struggling around me, and hear of when others "go out," which makes my heart drop. there was the one girl i gave a chip to that i haven't seen since, but one thing this program makes me is (a) realize i am only responsible for my own sobriety, and (2) not want to be the one to "go out" that others discuss at meetings in my absence.

and wow, i can't really do much of anything for anyone else other than to be fully present when they share and maybe get myself into a home group where i can be responsible for arriving early and setting up for a coffee commitment. then i'll at least feel useful. however, until i am led to which group i want to belong to -- i am narrowing my choices, but it is difficult -- i will sit and knit, think, and hopefully grow, continue to move forward, one 24-period at a time.

without getting out of my chair.

[oy.]

gratitude and bay view

not knowing if it was fully in me, or if it was by "happenstance" yesterday, i awoke today again in a feeling of gratitude.

i went to an early meeting this morning (what a difference in how my day runs!) and it overlooked the bay in the town i grew up in. it was peaceful and peace-filled and i can honestly say as i look around at those sipping their coffee and offering up their stories in a sense of sacrifice in order to help the struggling ones overcome, i found myself sitting in a chair of gratitude.

who would have thought?

three weeks ago i began my journey and as i sit and listen to these folks with 12 years...3 years...23 years "next week, God willing" i cannot help but think of how blessed i am sitting in the company of giants.

i am actually starting to feel blessed!

there is sobriety in these coffee urns, and the sights and sounds in these meeting rooms are actually conduits of holiness: the kind of holiness to comes to you only when you are broken and shattered; that comes when you beckon. it is there, in its silence, in its enormity, its entirety -- the sum of all its parts. sacred ground.

who will rescue me from this body of death? thanks be to God, and it is all because i finally recognized my life as unmanageable, that there was a power Greater than Me, and i can actually turn things over to Him without pretending i have and taking it back in all its denial glory.

God, am i happy about that.

fence sitting

during the meetings, i have heard on more than one occasion you are to take what you want and leave the rest.

the meeting on tuesday night was rough because not only am in recovery for my alcohol dependency, i still have a difficult time with the "it is a sickness" part and i am trying to reconcile that within myself. i had a shitful childhood because of my stepfather's "illness" because along with that illness came a lot of harsh words and actions that left an indelible mark on me and my heart. we read something from the big book the other night that really disturbed me entitled "to Wives." it basically was instructing women (who this ancient book is geared toward in the "this is a man's problem" sense) on how to react and deal with their alcoholic husband in a non-critical way and i found myself sitting on the fence between the struggling alcoholic who desires to be clean and just begs for a bit of indulgence while i figure it all out and my inner (apparently still hurting) 14 year-old who shielded her younger brothers from the onslaught once dad was high again...why should she be so understanding?

truth be told, i was very uncomfortable during this meeting for the above-stated reasons. am still processing it all and know i need to re-read the chapter and be open to what it is seeking to instill in me. i have not subjected my family to a lot of drunken bouts or hangovers. i have never really embarrassed them in public or in private because most of what i did within my drinking self was carried on out of earshot and eyesight and included my internet addiction as most of what i did (that was *wrong* on so many levels) on the internet was during my drinking times. i have internalized much of what my compulsive self brought me to, save for skirting the specifics in confession other than "i did wrong things" and a lot of this chapter didn't pertain to me.

but as the child of an addict, the whole chapter freaking dealt with me. this is the uncomfortable part. this is the part that is going to make me take my experiences from my past and bring them to the forefront and finally confront them.

eventually.

i think.

healing and denial.

Bette Linderman - Denial. Then Acceptance-With No Hint of Surrender, 2007. Courtesy of the Artist and Art Obje

~*~*~
since this is my space to vent about things most unpleasant, you have been warned.

yesterday was really weird. really weird.

i woke up and did my usual surfing while drinking coffee and knew i had my 10:00 meeting to go to. great meeting, by the way. huge. while i'd like to say "so many of them," but it's more like "so many of us." at the end of the meeting someone said "tonight's the meeting for beginners," i said "and i'd love to go, but i know it will be a problem for my husband."

it was.

his mood was *off* all day and and made a comment to me along the lines of "i don't know why you would have to go back -- you already went to a meeting!" he thinks i am going "overboard." he doesn't understand my attendance at meetings, going every night, for a problem that doesn't seem like a problem to him. i sat as i listened to him and saw the pain on his face. he apologized, but then added "i am sick of the drama in this house."

let me tell you folks, and trust me when i tell you this: most of the drama occurred when i was drinking, alone and on the internet, while he was sleeping.

i gently explained (for the nth time) that my step-father was a prescription drug addict. my natural father, although i only really knew him the last year of his life, was a 17-sober, recovering member of AA during his final days. my mom has alcohol dependency, as does at one of my brothers. i have been in or around alcohol or substance abuse my entire life ---> how could i not, at the very least, have co-dependency issues? at the very freaking least?

one of the first notes i took at an AA meeting is "there are no rules for membership other than the desire to stop drinking." Got that. the 12 steps are "suggestions." Got that, too.

since i have lived my life under the shadow of addiction for my entire 44 years, and i woke up to a memory of the events the previous night two weeks ago that was alarming and spoke to me in such a way as to say "you have a problem and you need to stop drinking now," why should i do that alone and unsupported, other than by a husband who only knows how to tell me "you're fine?" i am sorry, but i want to know why the fuck i act the way i do. how to change my behavior. two weeks ago, it was as if i was going 90 miles an hour toward a brick wall and i slammed on the brakes just in time; i was given another chance because i scared the shit out of myself. what on earth would make me get back behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking) and gun the engine for another go?

that's insanity.

i said to him, "would you rather me wait another 10 years and get my life so out of control that i can go with your blessing? wait until i screw our finances into the ground because of my alcohol purchases, my inability to get up and go to work, putting our children through hell, getting to know the police on a first-name basis (and insert bad internet behavior, unspoken, here) ....before i *merit* your permission to help myself? no. i want to be a better wife, a better mother now. not in 10 years. now."

with that i got off my chair and walked into the other room to get away from the conversation.

things were better after dinner, and we finished in time for me to go to my meeting...one he was actually encouraging me to go to (yeah....i was surprised too). in fact, he gave me my dollar for the basket and said, "see you when you get home."

it's a start, and i am grateful for it.

healing. doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. living in denial isn't much fun, either.

Day 5 - 90 in 90/Day 12 of Sobriety

butterfly bush
Originally uploaded by martha2

am feeling fragile, like my delicate butterfly bush i have pictured here. am wistful for the summer so i could (a) get through these holidays, and (b) be further along in my recovery, which for whatever reason, started to hit a wall today.

open and honest: feeling a little resentful that i cannot have a glass of wine. it's friday night, i went to a very crowded meeting and that was probably what prevented me from ordering a drink when we went to dinner afterward. i actually was shaking from not getting what i wanted.

shaking.

i pray that tomorrow will be easier. i know i am a "weekend warrior" drinker, whose habits were starting to filter into my week day, as well. i did fine last friday, which i know is now over, as is this one. i did not pick up and thank God i didn't.

but fuuuuck. i wanted to so badly.

Day 4 - 90 in 90

loved, loved, loved the meeting last night. sat next to young woman i have literally known for years; was uncertain who was more surprised to see who.

since i am so new and really have nothing to share during the meeting, i sit and i listen which, given some of the testimony from one of the members who was "60 days into sobriety and since my sponsor isn't here, thought i'd share the following," is okay and necessary for me to do. the stories are amazing, saddening, from incredibly brave and hurting people. i am so empathetic that regardless of my present situation, i could see wanting to attend these meetings, regardless.

but i have a problem and i am trying to get to the bottom of it. i believe once i find a sponsor and compile my "fearless and thorough" inventory, i will find out just how sick i really am.

last night's quote o' the night (and man, there were many):

Hurt people hurt people.

amen.