90 days

yesterday i celebrated 90 days of continuous sobriety. when compared to someone with 17 years, it is a mere drop in the bucket. "relate don't compare." but whatever - i have 90 days and i am pretty happy about that. (by the way -- the "90 meetings in 90 days i was so concerned about? i probably did about 120 meetings in 90 days, at least - many, many times i doubled up. what do you know :)

max's surgery went well, aside from an extra night in the hospital because of swelling. we are at an odd stage where he is hungry, cannot eat yet, and is getting bitter when we eat. there has to be a middle ground, i am hopeful we will find it. he was in an "off" mood yesterday, but it could simply be because he is bored and wants to get out, but doesn't feel well enough to do anything. he goes to the doctor's tomorrow, so i am anxious to see if he's lost any more weight (he dropped 10 pounds from being on liquids for one week prior to surgery. pretty sweet jump-start.)

right now in my life, i feel like i am treading water. i went to confession yesterday and did a 5th step with my priest, felt pretty good about it when all was said about what i'd done (or failed to do) and was looking at the 12-step list they had at the meeting last night and stopped at

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

these two gave me pause as i really think they go hand-in-hand. i am totally ready to have God remove my defects of character, but stop short of humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings, because if i know God, He will kick my ass breaking me of my defects.

does anyone understand what i am saying?

if i pray for patience, i know He is generous in dishing me situations that will try my patience. i learned not to ask for that a long time ago. doing something simple, like asking in prayer for Him to "direct my thinking" is an easy one. asking Him to help me "be a better person" or to "help someone who is struggling," easy.

asking Him to remove my defects of character? not so much. girlfriend has a boatload of defects, most of which are pretty much summed up in the 7 deadly sins. (well, maybe not so much greed or envy, but the others i nod in affirmation when i read them...)

where does that leave me? i trust in God, yes. i believe He will lead and guide me into all truths, yes. i have been on a pretty good run this week and am afraid of upsetting the apple cart. i know we all have fear of the unknown, and i know my imagination can totally run away from me, so why is it i cannot "let go and let God?" i cannot handle my crap on my own, i recognize the need for God in my life, and i am willing to turn my life and my will over to His care and protection. i know all this. "care and protection" sounds like a walk in the park compared to "remove all my shortcomings."

i cannot imagine what He will do, so i guess i will skip steps 6 and 7 and go onto 8...

7. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
8. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

oh, wow...


[could someone assist me with my apple cart?]

"You're gonna get your feelings back....and you're gonna hate it....and you're gonna love it."

Deb T., AA

melt down.

Salvadore Dali
The Persistence of Memory

~+~+~

i sat through my meeting last night and it was okay. yeah, just okay.

the promise they discussed the third promise, which is "we will comprehend the word serenity.” i feel a lot of things right now, and other than reciting the "serenity prayer" at the beginning of the meeting, that is as close as i have come to feeling serene.

i listened to others share their stories of serenity, how the calm overtook them at a moment they least expected it...how adversity showed its ugly face and they were peaceful. all good stories, all true from what i gather, but serenity is elusive right now in my life.

for those of you who have migrated over from martha, martha, you know this is not an unusual state. the only thing unusual is that i hadn't had a drink in 38 days (as of yesterday).

so i meditate on this whole serenity thing (after having had a stressful day at work) on the way home from my meeting and tears come. big ole hot wet sliding down my face can't stop them if i wanted to tears. not a good time to cry as it was my husband's birthday and i would be seeing my son and daughter-in-law who were supposed to be joining us for cake and coffee. prior to going into the house, i say a prayer as i am turning off my car that i can remain calm and happy for at least the next hour. one hour at a time, right?

i did well. nobody knew of my initial melt in the car on they way home, my son was solo since his bride isn't feeling well because she is in her first trimester, which is understandable because hey, i not only work at a center for childbirth, i have been pregnant myself and understand the different phases.

it went well, right up until the very end. my son and daughter-in-law have eluded to in the past that when the baby decides it's time to arrive, that only "her mother and the staff" are allowed in the room. bear in mind: i am an OB technician - i have been present for probably 100 births both in the labor room and as a OR tech for c-sections. i have actually had patients request me. i have a calming influence and am really unobtrusive. i am professional and take great care of my patients.

last night, he confirmed it: they don't want me in the room when the baby comes.

thinking about my post from yesterday about getting over hurts, this was a tough pill to swallow. also bearing in mind my mini-melt in the car on the way home, this was adding up to a really shitty stomach ache and heart ache at the same time. with all the composure i could muster, i told my son i felt as though i was being shut out, that i couldn't believe they didn't want me there, and just said, "okay. whatever you want."

when he left, he was upset and i had a full-blown melt-down. i tried so hard to keep it in, but it came. i cried and cried and talked about it with my husband and then cried some more. i finally dried my eyes, picked up my knitting and watched Criminal Minds.

i sat and thought about what had just happened, and God reminded me of one of the phrases we have used (among staff) when it comes to crowd control during labor: "If you weren't there for the conception, you don't belong there for the delivery." if both mothers were not allowed in the room, i think i would be "fine" with it. however, because her mother is a welcomed attendee and i am being told, flat out, that i am not -- well, pride goes before a melt down.

i composed a text message after i collected myself that said "whatever you want me to do. where ever you want me to be. i will abide and respect your wishes. i will be near when or if you need me. i love you and won't bring it up again." i sighed and hit "send." while i don't think i am wrong in feeling how i feel, i just want to keep the peace. and no, it is not easy to rise above as i explained to my kids in the car this morning; maintaining peace within a relationship may be some of the hardest work you have to do.

moments later i received the "thank you mom, that means a lot. we will keep you posted about any updates. love you."

(is it any wonder why i don't feel *serene*? can anyone tell me if my entire recovery will be fraught with moments like these as a challenge to the newly-sober or if it does, actually, get easy?)

serenity feels so far away. achy is the here and now and i just keep thinking "pray, don't drink, go to meetings, call your sponsor, and read the Big Book." i am hoping that since i have been so faithful employing all of these into my daily life, that feeling serene will be coming to me sooner, rather than later.

please -- remain seated.

what is seemingly such a slow process (because it is such a slow process), i wish my days weren't so up and down. stop the ride, i want to get off. [like it was so under control when i drank. ha.]

my meetings the last three days have been phenomenal. really compelling, worthy, intense, dramatic, touching. and i now have two chips and a bunch of attagirls :)

[really awesome.]

i think in an effort to articulate what i am feeling, the best way to describe myself for today is this: i am not used to being in a subordinate position. i am used to being a leader of sorts, one who is self-assured and confident and able to reach out to others who are suffering. i do not like being the suffering one. not at all. i know there are others who are struggling around me, and hear of when others "go out," which makes my heart drop. there was the one girl i gave a chip to that i haven't seen since, but one thing this program makes me is (a) realize i am only responsible for my own sobriety, and (2) not want to be the one to "go out" that others discuss at meetings in my absence.

and wow, i can't really do much of anything for anyone else other than to be fully present when they share and maybe get myself into a home group where i can be responsible for arriving early and setting up for a coffee commitment. then i'll at least feel useful. however, until i am led to which group i want to belong to -- i am narrowing my choices, but it is difficult -- i will sit and knit, think, and hopefully grow, continue to move forward, one 24-period at a time.

without getting out of my chair.

[oy.]

How it Works

At my meeting last night, I was asked to read the “How it Works” which is rather lengthy. I have no problem with it, but it was my first time to say “I am an alcoholic and my name is Penni.” Strange thing, that.

I sat through the meeting as I am wont to do to, knitting (see lovely picture, below, for example), looking up on occasion when someone is sharing something particularly wistful. [They are all wistful.] One of the men who has an incredible story made mention of the fact he oftentimes wondered “if he belonged…” I sat there, awed at my God who always lets me know unconditionally if I am in the right place at the right time.

I noticed a young lady I hadn’t seen at the meeting at this particular venue before and she stuck out to me because she was adorable. After the meeting, she came up and said “Can I ask you a question? I’m new…”

I said “I am too! Tomorrow is my one month-iversary :)” and we both smiled. It was her first time at this particular meeting and she didn’t speak up and wanted information about other meetings. I said, “oh my gosh, you need *stuff*!!” and got her a booklet with meeting information, as well as a page for phone numbers for her to reach out if she needs to. I also told her I was going to a meeting Thursday and offered her a ride because she said she walked to last night’s meeting, so it appears I will be picking her up to take her with me tonight [God willing].

After giving her her booklet, I said “you need a 24 hour/desire to stay sober chip!” but found out this group does not implement the chip system when it comes to milestones in sobriety. She said “oh, that’s okay,” but I know what sacramental things mean to me, so I reached into my knitting bag, pulled out mine (the one I had lost, but then had found) and put it in her hand. I closed her fingers around it and said “this is really significant to hold onto – it has the Serenity Prayer on the back, and indicates on the front your desire to stay sober. Hang onto it!!”

She hugged me and said she’d call me about the ride for tonight’s meeting after work today. I am thinking this is all tying into how the program works.

[that, and I guess I am supposed to be there, after all.]

meeting attendance and other moments of being brave

i went to my 7:30 am meeting today - the one i get to see the spectacular sunrise as i cross over the bridge and thank God for bringing me there, at least one more time. it was awesome -- i wish i could make this meeting all the time, not simply because of the holidays.

speaking of which...tonight is the dreaded New Year's Eve, even though i don't dread it because we never really do anything. i am thinking about going to the meeting where they are also hosting a dance -- i love this group of folks, too. at the meeting yesterday morning, jam-packed, i noticed a young mom with her two little ones, who were busy coloring or playing a game-boy. i thought how brave and strong she was, not to use her children as an excuse for not going to a meeting if she felt the need to go...and as "luck" would have it, i was next to her at the Lord's Prayer and was able to share that thought with her. she simply smiled back and i told her girls how wonderful they were the whole time.

tonight is the NYE dance that is being hosted by this particular group, along with a "young people's group" from a neighboring city. from what i hear, it is supposed to be a very good time, every year it gets bigger and better (the dance) and they have simultaneous meetings in a different room pretty much around the clock to help those struggling and suffering to make it through without picking up. i think it is a very cool thing, but i have had several folks ask if i was going to the dance and try to encourage me to do so when i shook my head *noooo*. honestly, it is out of my comfort zone for so many reasons -- as one girl said today, "i don't even know if i can dance while sober!!" and i just laughed!! how true!

here's the jig tho: jimbo has to work until 8 and wants to meet me there afterward - families can come, the whole lot!

oh boy. there goes my excuse....i have no idea. but i think, even if it is to stay for a diet soda and some conversation with my sponsor, i may hang for a bit after the meeting. thing is, i just don't know if i am brave enough. my liquid courage has been drained out of me and i am learning how to be an all-new person without it. this is well beyond a brave move, but we'll see what happens. i figured if i am to stay, God will let me know that on no uncertain terms.

(remember: this is the introvert that hates going to parties by herself....attending these meetings has been a major step, no pun intended. staying for a dance? omg, i have a stomach ache even thinking about it......)

where are you going?

this is such an amazing picture from an introspective's point of view...solitude, not wishing to engage. i can feel for this person (regardless of whether it was posed or not; i suspect it was.) i am her, at various times.

i attend my meetings on a daily basis and for the first week, i was very much this girl -- looking away, no eye contact, did not avail myself to anyone; scarcely breathed.

however, something has changed in me, over the past few days...i am actively listening. i am nodding in affirmation, joining in on the laughter (please note: alcoholics are "not a glum lot!"), and entering into the pain and sorrow or suffering of the others walking the walk with me, sharing the same space, the same hour together.

no longer on a bus, all alone.

i feel as though i am starting to breathe.

overheard at the coffee table...

...from last night's meeting...


"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for someone else to die."

not alone

Abandoned
Originally uploaded by R1 User

i have a sponsor, officially. she is the one who helped "talk me down" on Christmas morning and when i saw her last night and she gave me a huge hug, i thought i'd ask her. she hugged me again and is thrilled and will be wonderful for me, i can feel it.

speaking of wonderful for me: that equals you. being able to come in here, say what i need to say to get it out of the dark and into the light makes it so much better; reading your comments and knowing you are praying for me, rooting for me, offering me phone numbers...is overwhelming. aside from my occasional prayer requests, i can never recall asking for so much help. God is sending help from everywhere, most of all where i least expect it.

i was in a bit of a "hangover" yesterday, mood-wise, from Christmas day. today, i am feeling much better.....exchanging emails with a friend have helped considerably. i am not alone.

i am so not alone.

gratitude and bay view

not knowing if it was fully in me, or if it was by "happenstance" yesterday, i awoke today again in a feeling of gratitude.

i went to an early meeting this morning (what a difference in how my day runs!) and it overlooked the bay in the town i grew up in. it was peaceful and peace-filled and i can honestly say as i look around at those sipping their coffee and offering up their stories in a sense of sacrifice in order to help the struggling ones overcome, i found myself sitting in a chair of gratitude.

who would have thought?

three weeks ago i began my journey and as i sit and listen to these folks with 12 years...3 years...23 years "next week, God willing" i cannot help but think of how blessed i am sitting in the company of giants.

i am actually starting to feel blessed!

there is sobriety in these coffee urns, and the sights and sounds in these meeting rooms are actually conduits of holiness: the kind of holiness to comes to you only when you are broken and shattered; that comes when you beckon. it is there, in its silence, in its enormity, its entirety -- the sum of all its parts. sacred ground.

who will rescue me from this body of death? thanks be to God, and it is all because i finally recognized my life as unmanageable, that there was a power Greater than Me, and i can actually turn things over to Him without pretending i have and taking it back in all its denial glory.

God, am i happy about that.

i think as i approach the weekends, i can feel my inward self start craving. that must be it. in addition to the lack of funds that really is overtiring to discuss, Christmas shopping with $0 after only an hour is equally as overtiring to the point of exhaustion, mentally.

so i found myself terribly agitated and even entertained the thought of having a glass of wine and calling it a night after my hour-long venture. i am learning through my meetings (sorry Micky, whoever you are, dear one) that you should turn things over to your Higher Power (which is in my case God, Jesus, Holy Spirit -- go Triune or go home...) and replace the thought with something of gratitude.

how do you think that was working for me, yesterday? uh, not so well. i was talking to Him in the car on the way to the meeting i reluctantly attended -- day 17 of sobriety yesterday, look at me thinking i have wiggle room for reluctance -- and out loud told Him i didn't feel grateful, that i am so sick of being poor, that i think this whole thing is "too little, too late" because our finances are still in such a state of disrepair. seriously, God -- what the fuck? what is the point of not picking up a drink if things aren't going to get any better?

and so it went, as i was in most of my day, during my commute to my meeting i remained up in my head.

then of course, our meeting was on Step Two, Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity... what, me insane? that is preposterous (said the girl who has conversations with herself all day...) but the noise and my angst slowly eased as we read and i listened to the folks do their sharing. not a "glum lot": funny. insightful, wise. sober. grateful to be there, it started settling in me, as well.

this is my favorite meeting, there is a tremendous amount of wisdom and warmth, support and encouragement in this room, and i feel better before i leave. i discuss with some ladies how many days i've been without alcohol and get chastised (just a little) about not picking up the phone to reach out and call someone instead of staying in my head. duly noted; am new at this.

i have so much to learn, but for today, the lesson i take from yesterday is that i did not drink, i did not act out on my other junk, and i have been given another opportunity to make things better for today.

staying in my day instead of my head.


(collage by Robert Magginetti)

fence sitting

during the meetings, i have heard on more than one occasion you are to take what you want and leave the rest.

the meeting on tuesday night was rough because not only am in recovery for my alcohol dependency, i still have a difficult time with the "it is a sickness" part and i am trying to reconcile that within myself. i had a shitful childhood because of my stepfather's "illness" because along with that illness came a lot of harsh words and actions that left an indelible mark on me and my heart. we read something from the big book the other night that really disturbed me entitled "to Wives." it basically was instructing women (who this ancient book is geared toward in the "this is a man's problem" sense) on how to react and deal with their alcoholic husband in a non-critical way and i found myself sitting on the fence between the struggling alcoholic who desires to be clean and just begs for a bit of indulgence while i figure it all out and my inner (apparently still hurting) 14 year-old who shielded her younger brothers from the onslaught once dad was high again...why should she be so understanding?

truth be told, i was very uncomfortable during this meeting for the above-stated reasons. am still processing it all and know i need to re-read the chapter and be open to what it is seeking to instill in me. i have not subjected my family to a lot of drunken bouts or hangovers. i have never really embarrassed them in public or in private because most of what i did within my drinking self was carried on out of earshot and eyesight and included my internet addiction as most of what i did (that was *wrong* on so many levels) on the internet was during my drinking times. i have internalized much of what my compulsive self brought me to, save for skirting the specifics in confession other than "i did wrong things" and a lot of this chapter didn't pertain to me.

but as the child of an addict, the whole chapter freaking dealt with me. this is the uncomfortable part. this is the part that is going to make me take my experiences from my past and bring them to the forefront and finally confront them.

eventually.

i think.

Day 4 - 90 in 90

loved, loved, loved the meeting last night. sat next to young woman i have literally known for years; was uncertain who was more surprised to see who.

since i am so new and really have nothing to share during the meeting, i sit and i listen which, given some of the testimony from one of the members who was "60 days into sobriety and since my sponsor isn't here, thought i'd share the following," is okay and necessary for me to do. the stories are amazing, saddening, from incredibly brave and hurting people. i am so empathetic that regardless of my present situation, i could see wanting to attend these meetings, regardless.

but i have a problem and i am trying to get to the bottom of it. i believe once i find a sponsor and compile my "fearless and thorough" inventory, i will find out just how sick i really am.

last night's quote o' the night (and man, there were many):

Hurt people hurt people.

amen.

thoughts from my 2nd meeting (90 in 90)

am desirous of finding a *home group* and felt very comfortable with the folks i met with last night. i told them of my turning my house upside down, looking for my 24-hour chip, and they graciously and gladly gave me another --> this time, i got a hug :) so much warmth.

about mid-way through our meeting, a late-comer arrived and sat next to me. when she settled in, i passed her my pamphlet i am using to collect phone numbers and she jotted quickly her name and number and passed it back. we chatted during the break and we apparently have a lot in common (how is that? how could i not have known or felt this for the years prior to now that i was an addict when it came to this, as well?) and by the end of the night, she had added the words "please call me any time..." next to her name and when we hugged (a very huggy bunch) i asked her how long she had been sober (thinking: sponsor) and she said, "only a short while."

earliert in the meeting, it was discussed how you should be careful who you hang with, especially if you are in a situation where there could be *trouble*, i.e., out to dinner and both being in a weakened state and in danger of compromising your sobriety. hearing her say "only a short while," i responded with a "i guess we shouldn't go to a local tavern for dinner, then..."

we both laughed. i am hopeful i will see her again because i liked her spirit.

the quest for a sponsor continues. am i wrong in thinking i need someone with a lot of time under their "belt?"

(blogging on the fly...be back later to check in.)