stepping off.

i made a telephone call today and go to my first meeting tonight, which is "open" and a "step meeting."

the lady i spoke with on the phone sounded really nice and supportive; thank God she was because i could not imagine calling the number i called and getting someone without an ounce of desire to be on the other end of the phone. she is probably a godsend to many, i know she was to me. so much so that she gave me her home telephone number and said i could call her, any time.

i am stepping out of my comfort zone tonight at about 6:45 p.m. i am going to obtain information and will sit and listen and from what "debbie" said today, get my first "chip."

i just want to get well.

milestone for today: i was given a gift of a bottle of chardonnay. one of my favorites. and when the *benefactor* left the building, i turned and gave it to my co-worker. it was painful, but i cannot have it in my home.

there ya go.

how brilliant would it all be if i could get to a place where i would never have to take anything for anxiety or depression again? but i am digressing or projecting (one or the other). just for today, i want to be well. i want to know why i am prone to gravitating toward that which is so freaking pleasurable at first, but then can slowly, chronically, and progressively be out to get me for good.

so much for my anonymity here -- will keep y'all posted.


Anonymous said...

I too wish I would never have to take anything for anxiety and depression again--seems like my lot to struggle and scrape along--good days are good, but the bad days make me wish for heaven.

My thoughts are with you on this journey.


annie said...

My prayers will be with you Penni. Hang in there with the group. May it get easier for you and may you find a welcoming place in the circle.

Do you know what my son said today about the years he spent in active using? He said it starts out seeming like fun, but by the time you realize it's not really fun, things are pretty messed up. Those meetings have been very beneficial to him. I am so grateful.

beth said...

Praying for you, after the fact. Proud of you too...

Steve F. said...

The weekend closest to June 10th, in Akron, Ohio, there is a huge reunion of recovering people called Founders Day. Thousands of people gather at Akron University to share experience, strength, and hope together. And, at the little house where Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith spent so much of their time building the foundation for AA, there will be a sign hanging over the 12 steps leading up to the porch, saying, "Welcome home."

I trust you got that kind of welcome when you went to the meeting, sister. It sounded like you did.

I know we have a hoped-for meeting in Ft. Wayne at Jeff's, and that will be cool. But in my hearts'-dreaming, it would be so, so very cool for you to meet me and My Guy under that sign at Dr. Bob's house this June.

(And how's that for blowing the whole "one day at a time" thing?)

From what you shared on G-chat today, you're in the right place, sister. Hang on, and reach out whenever you need to.

Praying for you, and also proud of you. The first step is the hardest one...

Heidi Renee said...

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

~m2~ said...

oh, heidi -- thank you!! we went over the 11th promise tonight and it was an incredible meeting. some of the things i am actually keeping close to my heart and not sharing; they are too profound.

how blessed i am, still, by my internet friends. just as true as can be.