Niki de Saint Phalle
as you all know, i struggled with the thought of a drink the day before yesterday. it was not pretty, but i doubled up on my meetings and felt great all day after my first one - the one that overlooks the bay, so amazing, i floated all day - and then planned on my second one after dinner.
life was good.
then came dinner time.
we were having tacos. not a big deal, i was asked to pour drinks and as i started to pour my husband's iced tea, he said, "i'm having a beer." i must have made a face because he said, "oh -- what?? do you have a problem with that? do you not want me to have a beer??" and i said, "you can drink whatever you want." and with that, i took the three teas to the table and sat down. i don't think it was selfish of me not to grab the bear from the fridge for him. i was fine with that.
i sit to his right (he is at head of the table) and he had his beer to his left, which i thought was very sensitive of him (ahem). but it was only momentarily and just for convenience's sake because it ended up on his right, directly next to me. again, for the most part, i don't struggle when it comes to beer, but once that crucial and compelling thought enters in, without a little bit of time in between, it is hard to override.
that and i was a little pissed that he was drinking beer, knowing i was jammed up the day before.
after a relatively silent meal and the kids leaving the table he looked at me and said, "do you not want me to drink any more, either??"
"you can do what you want..." then i thought i should be a little more forthright and said, "you know i had a really tough day yesterday and that it was difficult, and yet you decided to have a beer with dinner; sometimes i don't understand your decisions."
"i am not the one with the problem -- you are..."
"...you said in the beginning you were fine with me drinking my beer. i like beer. i only have one or two a night and don't know why you are making such a big deal out of it...."
"what?? do you want me to stop drinking?"
"no, i am not going to tell you what to do because i am not your mother. you know i have a hard time with it, but if you want to keep drinking that is your prerogative."
"you are the one with the problem, not me."
i can't make him *get* why it would be upsetting to me that he doesn't see why this is an issue. i can't make him understand why, even though it is *my* problem, that it is *our* problem together, as a married couple.
that if he were the one telling me that he had a problem with alcohol, without doubt, i would be researching, attending alanon meetings, dumping every last bit we had in the house without being asked....he obviously feels otherwise.
and i guess i am projecting my feelings onto him.
while i am not justifying my actions while i was in my addiction, i am starting to see where my alcoholism was an escape route in certain aspects of my life...and why they say the "alcohol is only a symptom..."