step work

i am beginning to feel familiar with steps 1-3. my sponsor said something to me about picking a place to do step three, which is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him."

uh, done that. when i was 13. then again, when i was in my late 20's. then again, when i was in my late 30's because my neighbor felt i needed to because she didn't think i was "saved" because i didn't speak in tongues in front of her, but i am digressing. but i did it then and i do it now, every day.

i find myself saying the serenity prayer and quick little arrow prayers that are simply "not my will but Yours, be done" and that is as good as it gets some days. and most times, i can feel Him pulling me through because His grace is very real in my life and i am starting to reconize it now more than ever before.

so why do i have to do this, again? is it not like being re-baptized? (forewarning: i am of the ilk that one baptism, even as an infant, is more than enough as it leaves an indellible imprint on your soul. ) is it not redundant to verbalize it to someone else when i am constantly and consistently turn things over to Him on a very regular basis? (i do. just ask Him.)

which is a good segue to further discussion on steps 4 and 5:
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
as a practicing Catholic (in good standing, i might add), i do this every time i go to confession. and i am not a C&E Catholic, i go to confession when i screw up big and when i screw up small. i have been told that sometimes, what i am confessing isn't necessarily a sin, that is how often i go. so what is this about?

fearless more inventory, searching - shit, i am a deep navel-gazer. i can't be any more searching without being scrupulous and when i go to confession, i don't leave anything out.


so what does this mean to me? i have an issue with the whole "making a third step" and "fourth and fifth steps" when i do it all time time. are these necessary steps to take when i have already taken them, time and again, when i was not practicing sobriety? i am not one to give lip service to God -- He knows my heart, anyway.

i have the feeling this is my Via Dolorosa - my way of the Cross instead of "baby stepping to four o'clock" like bob wiley.
your thoughts are most welcomed.

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