of ales and margaritaville

recent dictionary.com word of the day: pertinacious \puhr-tin-AY-shuhs\, adjective:
1. Holding or adhering obstinately to any opinion, purpose, or design.
2. Stubbornly or perversely persistent.

i've been this. i am this. i am not proud of this, but i am working on changing things about myself that stubbornly cling to old ideas.

i had a thought swim through my head that could have given birth to something i am not desirous of doing and that is picking up. i heard a jimmy buffet song - margaritaville, probably - and the thought entered in: i won't be able to drink during the summer. then it gave birth to more defined thoughts: Sam Adams Summer Ale, margaritas -- even though i don't drink margaritas, i now know i cannot and that makes me mad -- big glasses of wine on the deck of one of my favorite restaurants that is too expensive for me to go to, anyway.

and let's be honest: i am not a jimmy buffet fan. so why, now, do i hone in and listen to his lyrics like i care??

didn't matter. the thoughts started flooding in, the mood got altered. swimming laps, around my head, relentless... backstrokes ... can't pick up, ever again....boy doesn't that suck?.... maybe i am not an alcoholic after all, maybe that is the big lie i am buying into...what's wrong with me?...i've never been drunk in front of my kids....what could one bottle of ale hurt?....i don't think i have a problem with alcohol, i must be messed up in other areas of my life....wow, i wonder how a margarita would taste after work today?

obsessive thoughts that override all other thoughts, based on a lie. holding onto my old ideas in a very pertinacious way. stubbornly, i kick against the goads, like a mule. these thoughts of mine, equally as pertinacious. say it with me: Pertinacious. reminds me of an off-shoot word,

te·na·cious [tuh-ney-shuhs] –adjective
1.holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold

it is so difficult to rebuild your thought process when you have had this type of process for most of your life; certainly, what memory i have left of my childhood that has not been repressed, i can understand why i would be the way i am. but now, i need to get off that bus and get onto the one that says: you are not a jimmy buffet fan, change the station....you don't drink margaritas, so don't romance it by thinking of what you would imagine on the rim of the glass that you would enjoy with every sip....big ole glasses of wine got you into some big ole trouble in some secret spaces, but that's your 5th step, we have time for that....sam adams ale is not worth the feelings you would have after you had your 4th or 6th one, so let it go.

let it go.

fill your mind with positive things...read your recovery book...call your sponsor...share at a meeting...change the freaking station already and good Lord, picking up is *not* an option...blog about it...let others know you are having a problem because guess what? secrets don't have a grip on you once you expose them to the light.... nothing is worth more than this day.

yes, i will be doubling up on my meetings today -- why do you ask?

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