gratitude

Course for Gratitude, 2000
Charles Spurrier at Feigen Contemporary
tape, pigment, adhesive vinyl, steel
72 x 72 inches

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there is a guy at my meetings, i shall call him "Bob," that always motions me over when i walk through the door and pats the chair next to him. i usually grin at him (big, hunky guy) and sit and the first thing he'll ask is "how are you?" and i say "fine," and then he'll repeat it again, but emphasize a different word: "no, i mean how are you?" then i spill my guts, and it is usually dramatic and pitiful and then he'll shake his head in affirmation, ask if i have picked up a drink (to which question i, up to today, have responded "no") and then ask me a question that pertains to being grateful.

he even has gone so far as to ask if i have started a -- gulp -- gratitude list. (List? what, are you crazy?? i don't need no stinkin' list...)

this whole conversation has happened on at least five different occasions, and on every occasion, i whine (just a little) about how it is so difficult sometimes to be grateful for the little things.

[this is truth. this is my blog. i must be rigorously honest or i am a fraud. i am not the most gratitude-filled person. ouch.]

last night, he wasn't at the meeting since he had another commitment. i was thinking of him when i was walking to my car and how i wanted to tell him that even though my daughter was in the hospital and i almost "lost it" because my middle son had an appointment with a pulmonary specialist at 3:30 to clear him for his upcoming lapband surgery and i almost forgot but had to make arrangements for documents to be faxed to this new physician, and all of this was in the midst of getting my daughter out the door to be directly admitted, i actually had a moment float through my head: i am so grateful to have health insurance!

that little ounce of gratitude creeped in when i was unsuspecting! who would've thought?

wait, there's more:

• i am grateful for my husband, who sat in molly's room with her and watched television and made jokes that made her groan in protestation.
• i am grateful to have friends who check in with me on the phone regularly and make me laugh and think i am "hilarious!"
• grateful for my friends here - my new ones, and my *known* ones who migrated over with me from my other blog, despite my admission of my alcoholism, the ones who were not afraid to reach out and tell me they were here and they still loved me in spite of myself
  
• grateful for a program that has brought me to a closer relationship with God
• and mostly grateful for a God who loves me and carries me through everything.
  

now, don't go thinking i am going to do a gratitude list daily... if anything, i may update my sidebar, but all of this gushiness in the throes of being in the trenches over the past few days is surreal to me.

(and i kind of like it :)