diamond in the rough

this admission thing is pretty cool. now that the admitting part is over, the acting as if part steps to the forefront. sure, the first few days i was on a pink cloud of sorts, feeling like "it has lifted!" and it is due, in part, to the relationship with the husband flying along seamlessly. i know that will come to an abrupt halt as it almost always does, hence the ebb and flow of the married life. i am also thinking that things can't always be "like new" when you have been married 19 years, together almost 21. a deeper thing must take over. patience, tolerance.

so far, i'm doing just fine.

in other news, i pick up my 6 month chip today. i remember sitting in the rooms for the first couple of weeks, covetous over those receiving their monthly stipends, marveling at those who made it into the "yearly" category. thinking to myself, "i'll never make it." i know, i know - work the steps. i actually picked up a second sponsor since having time with Wendy is so difficult. this lady has 29 years of sobriety, but is a "snowbird" who flies south in the winter. i figured between the two of them, i'm covered. (some are sicker than others, right? need all the help i can get...)

i am 6 months sober and yet, wrestle daily with the notion of "i'll never be able to drink a glass of wine again..." still. i have to be careful of the movies i watch because of the romantic drinking but now, the romantic romance. one would think it easy to differentiate between hollywood and penni's life which is a obvious to an outsider; to yours truly? not so much. with all the writing and journaling i do, and now openly discussing my addiction to fantasy and intrigue, you would think i'd be a torrid affair novelist. honestly, i don't even read those books -- maybe when i was like 13 i read a romance novel. but it doesn't interest me. i guess, however, if one would pick up and read my journals, you would beg to differ.

funny thing, that.

so here i am, musing over the past six months. wondering why i don't "feel" like i have been sober for a half a year, wondering if i'll ever get over the "i can'ts" and hopeful still, that for today, i won't pick up a drink.

or a man :)

(kidding, family members who read my blog!)

some days, if that is the best thing i can do, i am faring pretty well. even diamonds start as coal.

step work

i am beginning to feel familiar with steps 1-3. my sponsor said something to me about picking a place to do step three, which is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him."

uh, done that. when i was 13. then again, when i was in my late 20's. then again, when i was in my late 30's because my neighbor felt i needed to because she didn't think i was "saved" because i didn't speak in tongues in front of her, but i am digressing. but i did it then and i do it now, every day.

every.
single.
day.

i find myself saying the serenity prayer and quick little arrow prayers that are simply "not my will but Yours, be done" and that is as good as it gets some days. and most times, i can feel Him pulling me through because His grace is very real in my life and i am starting to reconize it now more than ever before.

so why do i have to do this, again? is it not like being re-baptized? (forewarning: i am of the ilk that one baptism, even as an infant, is more than enough as it leaves an indellible imprint on your soul. ) is it not redundant to verbalize it to someone else when i am constantly and consistently turn things over to Him on a very regular basis? (i do. just ask Him.)

which is a good segue to further discussion on steps 4 and 5:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

as a practicing Catholic (in good standing, i might add), i do this every time i go to confession. and i am not a C&E Catholic, i go to confession when i screw up big and when i screw up small. i have been told that sometimes, what i am confessing isn't necessarily a sin, that is how often i go. so what is this about?

fearless more inventory, searching - shit, i am a deep navel-gazer. i can't be any more searching without being scrupulous and when i go to confession, i don't leave anything out.

anything.

so what does this mean to me? i have an issue with the whole "making a third step" and "fourth and fifth steps" when i do it all time time. are these necessary steps to take when i have already taken them, time and again, when i was not practicing sobriety? i am not one to give lip service to God -- He knows my heart, anyway.

i have the feeling this is my Via Dolorosa - my way of the Cross instead of "baby stepping to four o'clock" like bob wiley.

your thoughts are most welcomed.

where are you going?

this is such an amazing picture from an introspective's point of view...solitude, not wishing to engage. i can feel for this person (regardless of whether it was posed or not; i suspect it was.) i am her, at various times.

i attend my meetings on a daily basis and for the first week, i was very much this girl -- looking away, no eye contact, did not avail myself to anyone; scarcely breathed.

however, something has changed in me, over the past few days...i am actively listening. i am nodding in affirmation, joining in on the laughter (please note: alcoholics are "not a glum lot!"), and entering into the pain and sorrow or suffering of the others walking the walk with me, sharing the same space, the same hour together.

no longer on a bus, all alone.

i feel as though i am starting to breathe.

homework

i think i found my home group, which i understand is important to have so you can become more interconnected with the members and be of service to others. i am comfortable with the people in this particular group and think i am going to take the next step next week and approach someone after the meeting.

y'all know i am all about service :)

i arrived on time, but the meeting was packed and i am guessing it is because it is the weekend before NY's Eve. i don't think i will have a problem with NYE because i have never been one (in my adult years anyway) to utilize it as a time to get wasted. shit, i had all the other weekends preceding it to do so...why not wake up without a hangover on NY's Day and be different than all the rest?

big ole heaping dose of pride.

my sponsor saved me a seat which was great because -- did i mention this? -- i knit during the meetings. i kid you not, my needles fly the entire time, i think i average about 9 rows an hour, which is pretty amazing as i really started this blanket in earnest when i decided to become sober 3 (almost 4!!) weeks ago. if you know me from m2, you know i take forever to complete something. there is sobriety in this blanket that i will be finishing probably by next week. and yes, the baby will be quite spoiled as i intend to start another one once this is finished.

back to my sponsor -- she has told me what she requires of me:

• check in daily. even if it's only a quick *hello*
• read from the Big Book daily
• start writing out my drinking history

the first two, i was okay; the last one? not so much. it is that whole Step 4 - fearless inventory thing that has me shaking in my shoes. i knew it was coming, but i also knew that God wouldn't bring me to it without bringing me through it. ugliness on paper, searching and fearless.

i have plans to take molly out today, just the two of us, but i am going to get this started this evening.

fearless and searching. (ouch already...)