...and really should never blog about when things are going well because when i do, i usually get sideswiped.
i say i am compulsive because i've binged over the last two days and do not purge. (not today, however: i've remained abstinent, but only by God's grace).
i am an emotional eater. i get upset, i head for the carbs. it's really quite easy, actually. if you substitute eating or compulsive overeating in the Big Book, it all makes perfect sense to me. food has never let me down. food has always been there for me, regardless of what or who or why i was upset. it has never failed.
and it always made me feel better. except now, now that i know better, it makes me feel worse when i overindulge.
i've been upset for reasons i won't over-elaborate on for the last 10 days. quite simply, i want to be a doting mother/grandmother and it is not desired because, well, they want their "space." i saw the baby friday for about 7 minutes and i felt it was disastrous - the last time i saw her was last friday, we had gifts from us and others that we wanted to drop off, my hub made a phone call to see if we could stop by. it didn't go well.
'nuff said on that.
i started seeing my therapist again because i am not transitioning well with all of this. i know it all takes time. my logical mind knows that adjusting needs to be done; my heart doesn't *get* any of it. so because i am in recovery for alcohol and quit smoking 16 years ago, i have been turning to food more often than not.
thursday and friday were not exceptional days for your friend here. i spilled at my meeting this morning and the tears came. it was my second meeting with this group and they are so compassionate, empathetic and loving and i can already see and feel where they are loving me until i can love myself.
i eat because i don't feel worthy. i am running to the food because i have some deep level, core issues of rejection and fear and it is the only thing that has been with me since i can remember ever feeling rejection and fear so it is a logical salve.
i am hurting and i am compulsive. but for today, i am choosing to be abstinent and am decidedly worthy of recovery.
and it so is not easy.
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