i know! why don't i talk about alcoholism?

so the last (almost) two weeks have been challenging to say the least. those of you who know me can attest to my angsty self. those who *REALLY* know me via email and phone calls actually agree i have good reason to be angsty.

so let's see, what is the best thought i have had since i've been spending so much time in my head? i know! let's quit all of our 12-step programs! that's it!! go from total love and support to desolate isolation. yeah. that sounds good.

so let's just talk myself into not being an alcoholic. i mean, i wasn't that bad, right? so why haven't i shared my experience in detail? if it wasn't that bad, why not have at it? [well, because my experience led me to another fellowship, which we can't list here because it is too revealing. but i don't seem to need that group, either, so i backed out of the last two meetings, and modified my online memberships to daily digests because i was receiving so many emails, i thought the flylady was haunting me for withdrawing from her group altogether.]

(did you get all that?)

so i join the compulsive overeater group and find i don't need them because i have perfect control over every piece of chocolate cake (and peach cake, truth be told, this evening) that goes into my mouth.

(spinning out of control, like a top. the top needs to be stopped or will run out of steam, then what will i be left with?) (myself.) (not good company.)

i am hurting. i have no place to go with my pain. i told my home group this morning at the end of the hour that i felt like i was in the midst of convincing myself i am not an alcoholic so i can gracefully fade out of my morning meetings and nobody would be the wiser and i could go back to drinking again, that i was scaring myself because i felt as though i was laying the foundation to go back out and drink and the ONLY reason i came into AA was because i wanted to stop drinking, and i am freaking out on the inside because i am dealing with disappointment on a daily basis, expectations that have been dashed, and realizations that are gut-wrenching at their core.

my inside self is telling me i need something to stop the pain. that i wasn't "that bad." that i am not "like the others" and "i can handle it." i have myself so convinced that i even journaled about it, that the food thing is my core addiction and now that i have that all figured out, i can start drinking wine again.

[i seem to fail to remember where, exactly, my last glass of merlot *took* me...then the fog clears.]

if i were reading this or listening to another member share what i did this morning objectively, i would have to say that i would never suggest to someone who has been attending AA meetings at least 6-7 days per week for nearly 9 months straight that they were not an alcoholic and that they should go and purchase a bottle of red. i would say something along the lines of "i am so glad you said something! call me when it gets bad, make sure you call me so you don't pick up because you deserve sobriety and a healthy life, all the way around. you are worth so much more than that $18 bottle will afford you! and that pain you speak of? yes, it is acute, but it too shall pass and if you think you are going through hell, keep going...don't turn around now!"

why is the best advice i have that which i give out to others? time to start listening to that inner voice again.

so no, i did not pick up a drink today. i am glad this 24 hours is now over.

thanks for letting me share.