in recovery

i recognize the milestones in my life as being difficult to transition through. my granddaughter's birth, while a celebration in and of itself, did not give me cause to pick up a drink for celebratory purposes. no, i wanted to drink because of the stress i endured while i waited for her birth.

for reasons i cannot elaborate on, it is fair to say that i was in an incredible place wherein i had absolutely no control over what was going on. i did have, by God's grace, a dear friend with me on the other side of the door when Hannah made her entrance into this world holding my handing, hugging me, consoling me. only God's grace pulled me through that confusing, miraculous time.

so here i am a few days post birth and i attended (yet another) recovery group meeting yesterday - one for compulsive overeating, or Overaters Anonymous. i figured - why not? for my friends who have migrated from my m2 blog, it is not a concealed fact that i struggle with weight issues. i have my entire life and sitting in this meeting yesterday was as if a light had been turned on and God was saying "this is it, pen. this is your core issue." i believe it is in that while i have a true addict's personality (all or nothing), my food issues date back to my youngest years that i can recall where food was love, food was comfort, food never let me down, food sustained me, food turned on me, food rescued me from my self and led me to be a binge eater (but not purger) and sustained me through some of my darkest hours. i have been finding that since i have nothing else to turn to in the physical sense, my eating has increased and my interrupted thought was "go to an OA meeting."

can one have too much recovery?

i am thinking before i go overboard with the recovery meetings, i believe this has been a quest to discover what exactly is keeping me from God, and that food and drink and extra men are inadequate substitutes. i think of it as He is breaking it down for me, and while we go through the layers together, it will be revealed that my search has truly been for Him, all along.

i am going to be so healthy, i won't be able to stand myself :)