step one

i admitted i was powerless over alcohol tonight with my sponsor. she is a big book study girl and it is great reading together and underlining certain points to gain further insight and understanding into the mind of an (this) alcoholic.

i am much more clinical than i suspected i'd be. i like knowing that we (alcoholics/addicts) are wired differently than the normal folks. that we have issues with dopamine and receptors in our brains. that we all meet at a wound - a level of woundedness wherein you can walk into a room of 30 strangers and nod in affirmation and reminisce with them without ever having met them.

i no longer have any lurking notion that i can drink safely or with impunity (as we learned last post, "immunity from detrimental effects, as of an action.") i know i am an alcoholic beyond any shadow of a doubt, and without giving further lipservice when i say i got off at the 5th floor before i hit bottom, i now believe i am simply "one of the lucky ones."

and now i am studying the big book and taking the steps with a really cool sponsor so i can eventually pass it along to someone who needs my help. i just finished step one and am actually looking forward to my reading and writing assignment for next week.

and it only took close to 9 months to *get* this -- who knew?

A little onward lend thy guiding hand / To these dark steps, a little further on.

John Milton