detach

so i have this friend...who i had gotten into an email argument with last week and i apologized and wanted it to be over and now, basically want to be left alone.  i have been receiving daily emails that lay out how he doesn't want me to be upset or miffed or angry or whatever with him......i have been ignoring them for the most part, but yesterday, had that pang of compassion to respond to him.

i was honest and told him that he hurt me, that my feelings were hurt.  i went into a couple of examples of what he said and told him i didn't want to engage in another *email* thing but wanted to respond to him, let him know where i was and that i didn't want to open myself to any more pain; i am done being wounded.

(it was a pretty brutal battle, even for me.)

so what do i get in response?

"no feelings were meant to be hurt, that's on you."  oh. okay.  my inner pissed off irish temper wants to flare itself with a wicked response, but i don't want to go there.  when is it time to say "when" when it comes to getting in the "last word?"  i also realize if there is something bothering me about someone else, the something that is bothering me is within me.  that is such a hard concept to grapple with, when you want to be "right" or you want to be "justified."

(i won't think about the last line he threw me about friends "looking at the 'deep' you and wanting to help."  was that referring to when he called me selfish?  or childish?  or was he being sarcastic?  i am wondering...and is *his* kind of help the kind i need or want?)

i don't want to be anything.  i want to stop wondering.  i desire emotional sobriety and want nothing more than to close this chapter in my life.  i have a new sponsee who is going to need my attention way more than i need to justify my feelings in continuing this crap.  i know if i were to reply to this latest "missive," i would be right back in it.  i think i finally have enough regard for myself to do just that.

i am, just now, asking myself "is this life-giving or life-affirming behavior?"  if i have answered no, then i don't engage.

it is not.  disengage, girl. 

disengage.