i don't know where to go with this because it isn't an AA-related type of matter.  it is a matter of my heart and my daughter and i know she doesn't read my blog, nor care to know what i think on most days, but things being what they are at home right now, i have nowhere to go with this.

let me start by saying i recognize she has been through a very difficult time.  i actually tried to take her to see my therapist shortly after surgery because she seemed so depressed about things, and her life, but it did not work out that she wanted to see her (my therapist) for a second visit.

i think i need to find someone else.

she is angry.  really, really angry.  about a lot of things that are important and some that are not.  she flipped out last night because of a lack of communication, which lack i retaliated with my own version of flipping out (i am truly sorry today, however) and her anger and venom is being directed at max.  not undeservedly so, but he needs to apologize for something he failed to do last night and has not thus far.  he wants to qualify or rationalize what happened and all he need do is simply say "molly, i am sorry i hurt you."

i was told earlier "i don't hate you as much as i hate max."  wow.  that's a relief.

she just got her hair cut.  of course, i think it is gorgeous and she thinks she "is so ugly -- it's soooo shorrrrt!!" and she didn't want to leave the house.  this is usually after every time she gets her hair cut.  she had friends waiting for her at home to go get something to eat and she had to straighten her hair before they left bc she looked "so ugly," and when she was leaving, my husband suggested she put on a hoodie or some jacket because it is cold outside, and it was met with "i don't have a coat.  or a hoodie, or a zippie...i have nothing"  and slammed the door on her way out.

[i know i have people who are reading this who are thinking i should be disciplining her or taking myself back to the therapist, so if you are going to judge me or this situation, you need not comment.  use the "if you haven't got anything nice to say" adage as your guide.]

however, if you've had disruptive teenagers and have, yourself, felt like giving up and crying all day (like i have/have been), then please give me a little advice in the comments box.

[another parenthetical:  we won't discuss the parties she's gone to this week that had alcohol and i have felt at a loss over what to do...or the fact she has been sick with strep and i let her leave the house, just moments ago, with no sweatshirt to take with her.]

i cannot recall feeling more at a loss over a situation than i do right now.  i don't know what to do for her or for myself or my family.  it is stressful, tense, and all i can do is sit here and cry and hope the words i am tapping out are making sense. i realize i am powerless over certain situations but also recognize that i should be in control over certain others.  still, at a loss.]

she just texted an apology for being so "salty." i told her i didn't know what to do for her; she said "neither do i."

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