here, there, everywhere

i have joined the land of twitter, once again.

it's interesting to me to see what others are thinking when they are thinking them, that's fascinating.  i have it on my phone.

"following" my children has caused a widespread panic.  i like that.  i am thinking they post on twitter what they wouldn't post on facebook.

speaking of facebook - i finally saw "the social network."  the only word that really came to mind when i was watching it was "arrogance."  i am not going to lie:  he is wealthy.  the youngest billionaire on the planet.  whatever.  i am hoping when i hit billionaire status, i retain a bit of humility.

for my Catholic brethren:  i am having a very difficult time remaining Catholic.  i am only stating this here so i can remain in the light.  i have taken leave of all of my volunteer duties at the church and am really pondering how much longer i will remain.  i don't think for very much longer.

my heart is drawn to the Calvary Chapel Ocean City church.  it is dynamic, it makes me think, feel and it feels like i'm "home."

[God knows my heart.  i am hopeful He will lead me where i need to be.]

Mom's passing is coming up on the 3 month anniversary.  every day is a little better, but i miss talking to her.  i miss knowing she will be there to make me feel better when i don't feel well at all (mentally, physically).  nothing like your ma.


Erin Wilson said...

It's good to hear from you.
I think it's safe to say that He will lead you where you need to be... :)

Peace xoxo

Anonymous said...

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend Penni in battle. Be her defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, I humbly pray and do thou, O prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls, Amen.

~m2~ said...

really? the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel?

am i in danger?

awesome said...

it is good to see you hear again. if you feel moved to a new church home, let no one distract you from that. We call God by many names, and follow Him through many practices. but at the end of the day, God is God. Wherever you find Him is right for you. Many blessing and closeness with your creator.

Anonymous said...

Be well Penni, in whatever you do.

“O if we but knew what we do when we delve or hew -- hack and rack the growing green!" ~Hopkins~

angelmeg said...

Only God can see your journey from start to finish. We cannot know where you must go to remain close to Him. I will pray that God will lead you ever closer with each step.

No matter what, you won't get rid of me.

Owen said...

Pen, in the spirit of standing in the light I say what I say here...

Of course, I have mixed feelings to see you leave the Church Christ instituted but am happy you can find your way out of a dark place (I do not mean the Church but your own darkness) and I thank God with you for that.

Becoming Catholic remains the most deeply wonderful thing that has ever happened to me spiritually. I too, interestingly, can say I have never been more at home. As a pastor I used to lead those "alter calls" and saw good things happen for people by times. However, I've never been more deeply moved and seen real change in my life than through the Sacraments of the Church, even when I don't "feel" or "experience" a thing. I am *not* countering what you have said but telling you my own story of which you are a part - and I thank you - for you were among the very first Catholics I connected with online and in spite of how you may have viewed your own Catholic-ness then or later it remains true now as then that I am thankful for the Lord using you to help lead me toward his Church.

All Christians (baptized with water and according to the Trinitarian formla) are Catholic by definition and I do mean with a Capital C :) - including those who would deny this to their dying breath and think the pope is an anti-Christ :)

I recall well my own struggle in remaining where I was and how totally liberating (though financially killer) it was to declare I could no longer remain Protestant.

I love what angelmeg said and would add my Amen to that.

In my heart I kind of saw this coming and some time back too noting various Facebook entries but in fact deeper than that, I somehow knew. You may or may not know how often I have prayed for you, extemporaneously or with rosary in hand. So what may I do but say? Father, thank you for your adopted daughter in-Christ who is, by that fact, a sister in-Christ to me.

Anne Welch said...

God will meet you wherever you are, Penny.

Chantilly Lace said...

Hi, only just stumbled across your blog & I'm glad I did. I find your honesty & "realness" refreshing. While I am not Catholic, I am what I call Spiritual... I also believe as Anne said, that God will meet you wherever you are & will meet you in the midst of whatever you are going through. I hope that you find peace in him whatever church you decide to attend. Remember, he's not limited to four walls... such a blessing.
Thanks for sharing the process with us.

januarylily said...

Hello I just found your post while hunting around on various blogs. It would be a shame to leave the Holy Eucharist which is the true presence of Jesus. I know that our separated brethren are really good at warm fellowship and we catholics could learn lesson from them. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My own mother died a year ago yesterday. Grieving is hard. I heard once that it was not always good to make big changes during times of grief and loss. I will keep you in my prayers, Sue

Elena said...

Hi Penny,

I still pop in here from time time. Funny that I felt moved to pop in today on Holy Thursday?

I would guess that most of the people urging you to follow your heart out of the church are not Catholic. A lot of non-Catholic Christians look at the Catholic Church as either the whore of Babylon or as just another denomination. The former can't understand why anyone would want to be Catholic; the latter don't see the big deal in moving around.

If you believe Jesus founded the Catholic church and instituted the Eucharist and the other sacraments, and saves her from error, then how can you go anywhere else?

I know your mom just died. My mom died in 2009 from ovarian cancer. It was a horrible death; I am haunted by it every day. So maybe I get where you're coming from?

But remember seeking the truth isn't always dynamic. Truth isn't about how we feel. Truth is sometimes challenging and hard. Seek the truth Penny, not a feeling.

Have a Blessed Easter

~m2~ said...

good morning, elena --

on the contrary, a few of my biggest supporters are, in fact, practicing Catholics.

i get what you are saying about my grieving the loss of my mother. that could be part of it, however, i started attending calvary chapel long before my mother became ill.

i understand, also, about the Eucharist. i believe it is my relationship with Christ that enables me to participate in communion at any church (yes, i said it) - and the prayers that are offered by the pastors or me are no less significant than those offered by a priest in bringing the Real Presence into the Host. my thoughts? yes. my opinion? sure. but is it any less important to me because i am not receiving the Eucharist in a Catholic church? no, it is not.

this may actually make some of my friends believe me a heretic, but i believe if i had unleavened bread at my home, and there were several Christians gathered for prayer or bible study, and we felt moved to receive communion, it would not be any less holy or sacramental if we all prayed over the bread and asked Jesus to be present at that very time.

(i am reminded of a story from my friend steve's blog, if i can find it, i will supply it here...)

so to answer anyone's questions or doubts they have about my sanity or reality at this time: i am sane. i am aware of what i am doing. i have experienced joy beyond all telling in these last few weeks that i have not felt in YEARS. years. and i am closer to God than i ever have been in my life.

(and you know ultimately, He will be my Judge. thank Him i also believe He is merciful!)


Elena said...

Hi Penni,

Thanks for responding. I shall bow out now, but I feel compelled by conscience to just remind you of this - You are not an ordained priest. You have not the power to change bread and wine into the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ.

You are following a feeling, not truth.

I do wish you well however Penni and hope you have a Blessed Easter Season


Julie said...

Hi Penni,

I have dropped in after way too long away ... note to self: must use sidebar more and RSS feed less. :-)

I am so sorry about your loss and your grieving heart.

I can't say, of course, where God is leading you, but it would break my heart to think of you leaving the Eucharist.

lv, jd

Anonymous said...

My Dad passed 4 years ago, we were very close. I still find my self reaching for the phone after I've heard or read something funny, or intriguing, that I know would get his juices flowing. Or if there is something in my life that needs a little more light. I say this reverently. She is STILL your Mother. The lesson she imparted to you, the love she showed you, are still there. She put them in there for safe keeping a long time ago. Guard them well.


Hind's Feet said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. :(

Funny thing, I took RCIA classes this last year. I have been drawn toward the Catholic church and find mass so edifying to my soul... something I have not found in the protestant churches I've attended these past few decades... but right when I get *almost* to that point of committing, I feel God saying "this is not where I want you to be right now" - and I wonder will He ever want me there? You are so right in that He knows where we *need* to be. He knows the path He has for us to walk. I just wish, sometimes, He would show us how the next few miles of that path will be, when He often just shows us a step at a time.