this is a test

there is no pass/fail on this question, but i am seeking your opinion...

when we were at my brother's on Sunday, we were discussing my current condition (ahem.) and my sister said, "pen, it's just a test."

oh, really? is everything a test?

is every thing, every path, every choice -- all we do, day in and day out -- a big test from God?

does it come down to that for every single word we say, every thought we entertain, every conversation we hold, every solitary moment we enjoy (or don't enjoy, as has been my case as of late) -- as being a big test from God? < inside voice > is He looking over the rims of His glasses at me and wondering wtf i have been doing lately? < /inside voice >

is that how you view your life? i like to see life through the eyes of grace, that certain things that happen to my benefit, even the simplest action from a patient or a co-worker, as a moment of grace. i would hate to view everything as a test from God; i never tested well in school and know i am having a lot of *system failures* lately.

what do you think?

sound asleep

Sleeping on Couch
Peggy Molloy

~~~

from today's Old Testament reading at Mass, the most eloquent prophet Jeremiah:

Thus says the LORD:
This is what I commanded my people:
Listen to my voice;
then I will be your God and you shall be my people.
Walk in all the ways that I command you,
so that you may prosper.

They walked in the hardness of their evil hearts
and turned their backs, not their faces, to me.

Let's stop right there and deliberately take the sentence apart: "...turned their backs to me."

How do I feel when my children do that to me out of anger, or self-righteousness? Or when I have hurt my children or upset them to the degree that they won't even turn to me when I am speaking to them? How can it be that I expect God to "understand" exactly how upset I am with the way things are going right now when I won't even look at Him?

I think I am in the throes of a depression because all I really want to do is sleep; I have little energy for anything else and while I would like to blame my underactive, lump-containing thyroid, I don't think that is what it is. I've never been in depression before -- goodness, I take 40mg/Paxil daily! My anxiety is under control, but there is something else at work in me. Do I give in to it and sleep or do I fight it, throw on my Chucks and walk in the way God is commanding me? Do I head straight for the Word of God and see what He suggests I do?

Today and yesterday, I have opted to sleep. How do you suppose that is working for me? One would think "wow, she must be well-rested," but honestly, I don't feel as though I have slept at all. I feel like instead of facing God, I am opting to roll over on the couch and turn away from Him, from whatever it is He wishes to impart. I've had so many people praying and for what? Weren't these nodules supposed to disappear because someone laid hands on me? Am I supposed to look at the *bright side* and say "at least they were caught 'in time'?" I am, to a degree. But in this situation, I am honestly not thanking God for any of it. In all things give thanks...a directive, but my back is turned so I can't really hear it.

What would happen if I "turned my face to Him" and stopped turning my back on Him? Could it really be that the Creator of the Universe, the One who knit me in my mother's womb and knows the hair count of my head wants me to turn my face to Him and look up? As if I were a flower, turning toward the sun, maybe His rays will bring me some sort of healing...and maybe that healing won't be instantaneous, but it would come.

I was told today by my trusted Pastor friend that I want to reach for anything that feels familiar right now because I am in pain. Instead of doing that which I desired most (read: delve into my addiction), I resorted to the familiarity of my snug sofa with a quilt wrapped around me and the phone unplugged...the cats cuddled right in with me. Just like a child who was trying to hide from her Parent, I was hiding under the covers and thinking He won't notice me and will turn His attention to something else, like ending poverty or the war or better yet, helping a scientist find the cure for AIDS.

Pastor also told me that it was time to stop running. He thinks I am being brought to the end of myself, the place where God has wanted me all along, and instead of resisting, I should surrender and "turn my back around."

Better yet, maybe I should look up from under my blanket because God is sitting at the foot the couch, waiting to talk to me.

Declan McCullagh

~~~

We had our friend Neil over for dinner last night, and since Jimbo was working late, I was in charge of preparing a meal and holding court until he arrived home. As if learning of my impending surgery wasn't enough for one day, Neil told us there is a chance he will be promoted and transferred -- to either Las Vegas or Beverly Hills. As happy as I am for him, I must admit I was bummed. He is just a great person, fun to be around and will undoubtedly excel at whatever comes his way. It's just such a long commute for me :(

I had a few glasses of wine while preparing, during and after our dinner - which was pork loin stuffed with sharp provolone, fresh spinach, ham and roasted red peppers, Greek salad, and cous-cous - and really, almost forgot about my doctor's visit.

(Almost.)

I awoke around 1:00 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep until after 3:30 a.m. First time in so long I've had insomnia and hives and am hoping in my heart of hearts this isn't going to be a foretaste of the next few weeks. I am sure it had nothing to do with the desert wind blowing sand over and through my mouth after all the wine I drank in....nothing six glasses of iced tea at 2:00 a.m. couldn't tame, anyway.

I attempted to make an appointment with the surgeon today - May 21. I said "thank you," hung up and called my Dr. Gabriel Byrne back and informed them of the date; they will now make their *magic* phone call that will open something up in a much timelier manner. If not, he wants me to see a surgeon from Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia. Not convenient, but hey, if he feels it is necessary, who am I to argue? I am praying for nearby, trust me...

Such hoops to jump through.

I am all over the map today with my thoughts and my emotions and am happy to know God because if I didn't, I would be thinking all the prayers being said for me and over me and by me are perhaps not being heard so clearly by Him.

.
.
.

Good thing.

digital art by t/aubuchon - denial series-

I am tired and weary, heart being worn prominently on my sleeve this morning for whatever reason...am having a difficult time being loving toward those who are not so loving to me today.

I find I am frustrated by certain goings on at Chez Martha and the one time I finally allow my emotions to show or simply let down my guard about what exactly is happening to me medically, I am chastised by my husband not to "go there" and the conversation is cut short. I suppose this is simply something I need to continuously bury within myself or unceremoniously hand over to the Lord to take care of for me and so I (and he) can, therefore, pretend it doesn't exist.

Question of the day: what is the difference between "handing it over to the Lord and not taking it back" and "being in denial?" Is it a matter of I trust in You, O God, and in You alone do I trust, I lean not on my own understanding or is it I cannot face this thing that keeps coming up inside of me and I must pretend it is not happening or I will actually be real about things for once? Where is the line, what is the difference, if there is really one?

He is afraid, I am not allowed to be or I am not allowed to express it, just keep it close to me like he is doing for himself. Why is that?

My prayer today is for grace. Grace to get through moments when the tears are there and being held back, grace for the moments when help isn't offered or even to be expected around the house and grace to continue to be loving, regardless of how I feel inside.

I just pray my insides will catch up with my outward actions.

amen.

grace

i had the most incredible experience at church yesterday. it left me absolutely floating the entire day (i think this was the "consolation" part i have been waiting for, since i have felt so desolate in my spirit for so long).

i visited my friend Pastor Charlie's church (for the third time) yesterday and arrived in plenty of time (last time i went, i was a tiny bit late!) i saw several people i knew in the vestibule and received the biggest hugs...it was so tremendously welcoming and warm. i sat by myself (i wouldn't impose myself on anyone, even though i knew several people there) and enjoyed tremendously the praise & worship music. Pastor spoke on Revelation, which was compelling and engaging. this scribe took notes.

but what happened afterwards took me by surprise. as services were ending, people were invited up to be prayed over in a really unobtrusive way -- it didn't feel like an "altar call," it was simple and sweet. i was avoiding eye contact with Charlie because the last time i spoke with him, he had mentioned something about praying over me after church and that was way past my comfort zone. i was talking with friends, looked around and he had me in his crosshairs -- he motioned me over, i shook my head furiously *NOOOOO* and he did it again.

i went.

i moved up to the front of the church, toward the front pew (ironically next to a box of tissues) and took a seat. Pastor moved in, invited the elders and other pastors of the church to come over and honest to God, they descended upon me and several put their hands on me and touched my arms. i was asked how they could pray for me and i looked up at Charlie in earnest and implored him with my eyes not to make me do this and he simply nodded in encouragement to *go ahead* and i mentioned i am having problems with my addictions and am truly desirous of being healed and have troublesome health issues that i most certainly desire healing from. Pastor Bill anointed my head with oil in the sign of the Cross and prayed James 5: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord...and then something from Hebrews, but i was already being unmade.

these kind people, some of whom i didn't know, prayed over me as their sister in Christ and such warmth coursed through me, it was unbelievable. Pastor Charlie ended with an incredible prayer (he certainly knows me, brokenness and all, as he has been counseling me over the last several months) and i sat there and simply said "amen" and "thank you" when they were finished....you anointed me with oil, my cup overflows.

i reached for the tissues and my friend from work, Lydia, slid in next to me, hugged me, and said "do you know how much you are loved?" i honestly felt it; it was unlike anything else i have ever experienced.

as i gathered my things and walked toward my car in the parking lot, past the children playing soccer and families that were still outside, talking to one another, i was reminded of Isaiah 43:4: "...you are precious in My sight, and honored, and I love you."

it actually felt good to be in my skin for the first time in years; all was grace.

food, glorious food

jules has given me food for thought with her deep gazings into the navel of idol worship of food over love of God. i thought "gee, i can understand that..." but didn't really give it a second thought.

until today in the fitting room at macy's.

you see, i have put on a couple of a few pounds over the course of the last two years and they have added up to me being able to only wear one or two select outfits during any given weeks. quite frankly, the kids are undesirous of seeing me in "the uniform" just one more time, so i thought i'd be a good sport and go to the mall for some clothes shopping. i despise clothes shopping for myself, especially when it is for the reason of nothing fits because i've gained weight.

still. nothing fits.

i am beside myself because i cannot find clothing i like at prices i like better and worst of all, my favorite store habitat (read: hippie clothing) closed. so in front of the mirror, i said "oh, Lord...i cannot believe this." and you know what came up in my spirit? "perhaps you love food more than you love God."

you know what? He is breaking me in so many areas, why not one more? i cannot imagine that fruit and certain veggies are to be considered off-limits, but the breads and stuff that i find making its way into my mouth? yeah. i know.

could God really make something that delicious (think: fresh pears or pineapples) and then turn and say "no, you really can't have them because the sugar gets into your blood stream and you start to lose control." (my voice, not God's) moderation is key, but i can't seem to do anything in moderation. seriously. moderation is a problem for me.

any thoughts on this for the umpteenth time? balance your eating? atkins/low carbs vs. high carbs/low fats? what say you, good eating people?

addiction and grace

just because God has a great sense of humor, a book i had on backorder was delivered today, shortly after i posted about my compulsion to eat french fries.

h/t to hope, who encouraged me unknowingly to purchase a book that i believe will help in more ways than one...

random thought, update on mom

Collection: Photodisc Green

random thought of the day: when i am beyond stressed, i to eat that which is labled "comfort foods."

compulsive? probably.
curative? not.
feel good when i am doing so? you betcha.
my drug(s) of choice: cheeseburgers, french fries.

it almost doesn't matter "where from," it just matters that they are hot and there is ketchup.

that is all i have to say about that and yes, i saw supersize me, i am fully aware of the havoc i am causing to my bod-ay, and no, they don't know my first name at mcdonald's.

not yet, anyway.

~*~*~

mom had her cardiac catherization today. 20/30% narrowing of arteries on right-hand side of her heart, related to her "severe pulmonary disease," which "coronary artery disease" can be regulated with medication. next stop: colonoscopy, after her cardiologist gives his blessing (hopefully by today or tomorrow the blessing shall be, then probably another day...)

when my mother is discharged, she will be in a rehabilitation facility for at least a few weeks, maybe longer. i am beginning to wonder if she will ever regain her strength to the point where she can be independent enough for us to leave her for a day and go to work. the other worry concern i have is that she will continue in her denial ways and not be forthright about how she is feeling. she went for a very long time concealing the truth; it is not all physical with my mom, part of it is mental. for a while, her chronic cough was attributed to "allergies," or her day was "fine" when she would have episodes of dizziness at work. i am not fully trusting in her to tell the truth and since she does not live with us, i am hoping my brother and his wife are on top of things enough to know when she isn't being as truthful as she needs to be.

day 11 of the hospital and i am growing pretty weary. i have had other things on this not-so-large plate (when it's full, anyway) and i told my sister today that as of right now, i am a little mad at God and am thankful i have other friends who have been talking to Him for me. i
know i will come around, but as of right now, i don't have very much to say to Him.

i know, i know...