will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

bless me father for i have sinned...

David Brewster

~~

it's been almost four months since my last confession. that wasn't really a confession. (there was nobody behind me in line, for which i was grateful because i tend to take more than your basic five minutes in the booth.)

i went and spoke to someone who knows my junk. told him what i wanted to tell the Other Priest and he was very kind about why Other Priest may have reacted the way he did, but then went on to discuss my recognition of what the root of my problems are and how i came to know this.

and i told him everything that i have been holding inside...the junkiest of all junk...and he did not even flinch. in fact, he sat with me and we discussed good things at length and actually laughed. i left the room after having received absolution and a remedy and saw that what was an empty line when i entered the room, was now 5-deep with a lot of questioning eyes.

oh, well.

i decided to bask in the grace instead of fret over being in there as long as i was. apparently, Msgr. felt it was necessary (as did God) and it is all good.

*this is a test*

there is no pass/fail on this question, but i am seeking your opinion...

when we were at my brother's on Sunday, we were discussing my current condition (ahem.) and my sister said, "pen, it's just a test."

oh, really? is everything a test?

is every thing, every path, every choice -- all we do, day in and day out -- a big test from God?

does it come down to that for every single word we say, every thought we entertain, every conversation we hold, every solitary moment we enjoy (or don't enjoy, as has been my case as of late) -- as being a big test from God? < inside voice > is He looking over the rims of His glasses at me and wondering wtf i have been doing lately? < /inside voice >

is that how you view your life? i like to see life through the eyes of grace, that certain things that happen to my benefit, even the simplest action from a patient or a co-worker, as a moment of grace. i would hate to view everything as a test from God; i never tested well in school and know i am having a lot of *system failures* lately.

what do you think?

more thoughts on grace

All Christian ascetic effort must bring about a sort of heartbreak; it must bring one to the point of nothingness in order to make room for the power and the grace of Jesus. Only in self-abasement and humility can this happen, for grace is entirely beyond our own efforts.

Father Andre Louf, O.C.S.O.

digital art by t/aubuchon - denial series-

I am tired and weary, heart being worn prominently on my sleeve this morning for whatever reason...am having a difficult time being loving toward those who are not so loving to me today.

I find I am frustrated by certain goings on at Chez Martha and the one time I finally allow my emotions to show or simply let down my guard about what exactly is happening to me medically, I am chastised by my husband not to "go there" and the conversation is cut short. I suppose this is simply something I need to continuously bury within myself or unceremoniously hand over to the Lord to take care of for me and so I (and he) can, therefore, pretend it doesn't exist.

Question of the day: what is the difference between "handing it over to the Lord and not taking it back" and "being in denial?" Is it a matter of I trust in You, O God, and in You alone do I trust, I lean not on my own understanding or is it I cannot face this thing that keeps coming up inside of me and I must pretend it is not happening or I will actually be real about things for once? Where is the line, what is the difference, if there is really one?

He is afraid, I am not allowed to be or I am not allowed to express it, just keep it close to me like he is doing for himself. Why is that?

My prayer today is for grace. Grace to get through moments when the tears are there and being held back, grace for the moments when help isn't offered or even to be expected around the house and grace to continue to be loving, regardless of how I feel inside.

I just pray my insides will catch up with my outward actions.

amen.

grace

i had the most incredible experience at church yesterday. it left me absolutely floating the entire day (i think this was the "consolation" part i have been waiting for, since i have felt so desolate in my spirit for so long).

i visited my friend Pastor Charlie's church (for the third time) yesterday and arrived in plenty of time (last time i went, i was a tiny bit late!) i saw several people i knew in the vestibule and received the biggest hugs...it was so tremendously welcoming and warm. i sat by myself (i wouldn't impose myself on anyone, even though i knew several people there) and enjoyed tremendously the praise & worship music. Pastor spoke on Revelation, which was compelling and engaging. this scribe took notes.

but what happened afterwards took me by surprise. as services were ending, people were invited up to be prayed over in a really unobtrusive way -- it didn't feel like an "altar call," it was simple and sweet. i was avoiding eye contact with Charlie because the last time i spoke with him, he had mentioned something about praying over me after church and that was way past my comfort zone. i was talking with friends, looked around and he had me in his crosshairs -- he motioned me over, i shook my head furiously *NOOOOO* and he did it again.

i went.

i moved up to the front of the church, toward the front pew (ironically next to a box of tissues) and took a seat. Pastor moved in, invited the elders and other pastors of the church to come over and honest to God, they descended upon me and several put their hands on me and touched my arms. i was asked how they could pray for me and i looked up at Charlie in earnest and implored him with my eyes not to make me do this and he simply nodded in encouragement to *go ahead* and i mentioned i am having problems with my addictions and am truly desirous of being healed and have troublesome health issues that i most certainly desire healing from. Pastor Bill anointed my head with oil in the sign of the Cross and prayed James 5: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord...and then something from Hebrews, but i was already being unmade.

these kind people, some of whom i didn't know, prayed over me as their sister in Christ and such warmth coursed through me, it was unbelievable. Pastor Charlie ended with an incredible prayer (he certainly knows me, brokenness and all, as he has been counseling me over the last several months) and i sat there and simply said "amen" and "thank you" when they were finished....you anointed me with oil, my cup overflows.

i reached for the tissues and my friend from work, Lydia, slid in next to me, hugged me, and said "do you know how much you are loved?" i honestly felt it; it was unlike anything else i have ever experienced.

as i gathered my things and walked toward my car in the parking lot, past the children playing soccer and families that were still outside, talking to one another, i was reminded of Isaiah 43:4: "...you are precious in My sight, and honored, and I love you."

it actually felt good to be in my skin for the first time in years; all was grace.

addiction and grace

just because God has a great sense of humor, a book i had on backorder was delivered today, shortly after i posted about my compulsion to eat french fries.

h/t to hope, who encouraged me unknowingly to purchase a book that i believe will help in more ways than one...