please -- remain seated.

what is seemingly such a slow process (because it is such a slow process), i wish my days weren't so up and down. stop the ride, i want to get off. [like it was so under control when i drank. ha.]

my meetings the last three days have been phenomenal. really compelling, worthy, intense, dramatic, touching. and i now have two chips and a bunch of attagirls :)

[really awesome.]

i think in an effort to articulate what i am feeling, the best way to describe myself for today is this: i am not used to being in a subordinate position. i am used to being a leader of sorts, one who is self-assured and confident and able to reach out to others who are suffering. i do not like being the suffering one. not at all. i know there are others who are struggling around me, and hear of when others "go out," which makes my heart drop. there was the one girl i gave a chip to that i haven't seen since, but one thing this program makes me is (a) realize i am only responsible for my own sobriety, and (2) not want to be the one to "go out" that others discuss at meetings in my absence.

and wow, i can't really do much of anything for anyone else other than to be fully present when they share and maybe get myself into a home group where i can be responsible for arriving early and setting up for a coffee commitment. then i'll at least feel useful. however, until i am led to which group i want to belong to -- i am narrowing my choices, but it is difficult -- i will sit and knit, think, and hopefully grow, continue to move forward, one 24-period at a time.

without getting out of my chair.


No comments: