first post deleted (sweet skills) re-write (story of my life)

I had a resolution to begin writing again. I figured why set up expectations on New Year's Day to simply fail? Why not start on Day 3?

Begs 2 questions:

1. Do I still have an audience?

2. [do I still have a voice?]

In no particular order, my life bullet points:

• I am still hopelessly flawed. 
• I have no religion I ascribe to currently but I really do miss The Faith. I stopped going when my actions no longer aligned with the tenents of the Mothership. Divorce is a no-no and once one is so situated, receiving Communion is no longer an option. In my mind, I hear "what's the point?"
• [i do miss the Mass. And the prayers and incense rising and Confession and talking to Mary and lighting candles and stained glass.]
• I read a lot of Buddhist-inspired writings and absolutely love the philosophy. I am wondering: can one be a Catholic Buddhist? Is that too cafeteria-styled?
• I adore the new Pope. 
• I turned 50 last April. 
• I am divorced but do have a boyfriend who I like to think is the love of my life when I am in a state of complete acceptance. When I am not *there*, I think I run thru a gammit of emotions that vacillate between utter confusion and total disdain for all things relational. 
• Then I get some rest and things always feel a bit better the following day. 
• I question a lot of things still, but I am definitely accepting of my curiosity. 
• I have 6 years of continuous sobriety, but have also started attending mtgs for those friends and families of those who are thus similarly afflicted and affected by a loved one's using or not using. I like these meetings. A lot. 
• I am trying as best I can.
• I know feelings aren't facts - facts don't change. Feelings do. 

I am tired of roaring thru my moleskine journals with no feedback. I am here. I am open. 

[i do have a voice - it may be a bit raspy, but it's still there]

i know! why don't i talk about alcoholism?

so the last (almost) two weeks have been challenging to say the least. those of you who know me can attest to my angsty self. those who *REALLY* know me via email and phone calls actually agree i have good reason to be angsty.

so let's see, what is the best thought i have had since i've been spending so much time in my head? i know! let's quit all of our 12-step programs! that's it!! go from total love and support to desolate isolation. yeah. that sounds good.

so let's just talk myself into not being an alcoholic. i mean, i wasn't that bad, right? so why haven't i shared my experience in detail? if it wasn't that bad, why not have at it? [well, because my experience led me to another fellowship, which we can't list here because it is too revealing. but i don't seem to need that group, either, so i backed out of the last two meetings, and modified my online memberships to daily digests because i was receiving so many emails, i thought the flylady was haunting me for withdrawing from her group altogether.]

(did you get all that?)

so i join the compulsive overeater group and find i don't need them because i have perfect control over every piece of chocolate cake (and peach cake, truth be told, this evening) that goes into my mouth.

(spinning out of control, like a top. the top needs to be stopped or will run out of steam, then what will i be left with?) (myself.) (not good company.)

i am hurting. i have no place to go with my pain. i told my home group this morning at the end of the hour that i felt like i was in the midst of convincing myself i am not an alcoholic so i can gracefully fade out of my morning meetings and nobody would be the wiser and i could go back to drinking again, that i was scaring myself because i felt as though i was laying the foundation to go back out and drink and the ONLY reason i came into AA was because i wanted to stop drinking, and i am freaking out on the inside because i am dealing with disappointment on a daily basis, expectations that have been dashed, and realizations that are gut-wrenching at their core.

my inside self is telling me i need something to stop the pain. that i wasn't "that bad." that i am not "like the others" and "i can handle it." i have myself so convinced that i even journaled about it, that the food thing is my core addiction and now that i have that all figured out, i can start drinking wine again.

[i seem to fail to remember where, exactly, my last glass of merlot *took* me...then the fog clears.]

if i were reading this or listening to another member share what i did this morning objectively, i would have to say that i would never suggest to someone who has been attending AA meetings at least 6-7 days per week for nearly 9 months straight that they were not an alcoholic and that they should go and purchase a bottle of red. i would say something along the lines of "i am so glad you said something! call me when it gets bad, make sure you call me so you don't pick up because you deserve sobriety and a healthy life, all the way around. you are worth so much more than that $18 bottle will afford you! and that pain you speak of? yes, it is acute, but it too shall pass and if you think you are going through hell, keep going...don't turn around now!"

why is the best advice i have that which i give out to others? time to start listening to that inner voice again.

so no, i did not pick up a drink today. i am glad this 24 hours is now over.

thanks for letting me share.

diamond in the rough

this admission thing is pretty cool. now that the admitting part is over, the acting as if part steps to the forefront. sure, the first few days i was on a pink cloud of sorts, feeling like "it has lifted!" and it is due, in part, to the relationship with the husband flying along seamlessly. i know that will come to an abrupt halt as it almost always does, hence the ebb and flow of the married life. i am also thinking that things can't always be "like new" when you have been married 19 years, together almost 21. a deeper thing must take over. patience, tolerance.

so far, i'm doing just fine.

in other news, i pick up my 6 month chip today. i remember sitting in the rooms for the first couple of weeks, covetous over those receiving their monthly stipends, marveling at those who made it into the "yearly" category. thinking to myself, "i'll never make it." i know, i know - work the steps. i actually picked up a second sponsor since having time with Wendy is so difficult. this lady has 29 years of sobriety, but is a "snowbird" who flies south in the winter. i figured between the two of them, i'm covered. (some are sicker than others, right? need all the help i can get...)

i am 6 months sober and yet, wrestle daily with the notion of "i'll never be able to drink a glass of wine again..." still. i have to be careful of the movies i watch because of the romantic drinking but now, the romantic romance. one would think it easy to differentiate between hollywood and penni's life which is a obvious to an outsider; to yours truly? not so much. with all the writing and journaling i do, and now openly discussing my addiction to fantasy and intrigue, you would think i'd be a torrid affair novelist. honestly, i don't even read those books -- maybe when i was like 13 i read a romance novel. but it doesn't interest me. i guess, however, if one would pick up and read my journals, you would beg to differ.

funny thing, that.

so here i am, musing over the past six months. wondering why i don't "feel" like i have been sober for a half a year, wondering if i'll ever get over the "i can'ts" and hopeful still, that for today, i won't pick up a drink.

or a man :)

(kidding, family members who read my blog!)

some days, if that is the best thing i can do, i am faring pretty well. even diamonds start as coal.

First Step

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

i meet with my sponsor tonight after work to do my first step. it's been a long time coming. i did my homework over a month ago, but i haven't seen her because of travel. each time we talk, she says "pen, if you need to find another sponsor who is there, i will be more than happy to be your friend." i don't feel that is the right thing for me at this time. i feel she is to be my sponsor, regardless of her travel schedule, if she'll have me.

i am nervous as i need to discuss things with her face-to-face that i have not shared with her over the phone.

much easier, methinks, to share things over a cup of coffee.

history lesson

one of the first things my sponsor wanted me to do was write down my history. all of it. leave nothing out. she said it would give her insight as to how to help me. it took two weeks, but i finally finished.

yesterday, i had breakfast with my sponsor and gave her my journal with my history in it. we finished breakfast early, then went and had coffee at my house and, thereafter, went to a meeting.

i have to admit, there was some pretty harrowing stuff in there. really eye-widening crap. starting at the age of 13. i was a little nervous on and off all day, wondering if she had read it, what she thought, would she call me? i let it go and gave it to God. He's good that way.

i went to a second meeting last night, just because i wanted to and it was a meeting i hadn't attended yet (there is a later one at 8 that i love, but this particular meeting is where i am thinking of making it my home group, but i am digressing...) to my surprise, my sponsor was there with another of her sponsees (she has 6 - is that too many?) and i sat and pulled out my knitting and remembered she had my journal -- i asked her "did you have a chance to *read* anything today??"

her eyes got wide and she came up and hugged me and said, "oh, thank you for sharing!"

i said, "oh, wow -- okay -- do you think i am one fucked up chick now?"

"no - if you want to know *really fucked up*, i can tell you my history. now my history is something to talk about!!"

::blink, blink::

can i tell you? for some reason, at that precise moment in time, i not only didn't want to know her history, i was uncertain if i wanted her to be my sponsor....wtf is wrong with me??

"i didn't know you would be here tonight or i would have returned your journal to you." and that was it.

that.
was.
it.

poured my freaking heart onto paper, gave it to her, and all her response to me was to tell me she is more fucked up than i am. and this, my gentle readers, was the only thing that was said to me after laying my soul bear in such a way as i have never done before. to be told i was less fucked up than she was, that she had me beat by a mile.

and yes, i realize i am being selfish. that i am making this all about me. but for the LOVE OF GOD, it was MY HISTORY and therefore, for once, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME!!!

to be fair, i must tell you she has told me i have an incredible amount of willingness; that she can see it is apparent i have a personal relationship with God, and that we have "a lot in common." she has a lot of sponsees because she is dedicating her life to helping the struggling alcoholic and that is really cool. AGAIN, this was my history, my heartache, my disturbing past, my vulnerabilities splayed out on paper, my childhood i had been robbed of, ad nauseum.

bottom line: her past was worse than mine.

is this what sponsorship is? a lesson in comparison? is this supposed to give me insight as to why i ended up romancing a glass of wine as though it were a clingy lover (with great legs, if it were a finer merlot but again, i am digressing yet again....) i don't know what to make of all this but do know that i was a bit taken aback and if there is anyone with sponsor/sponsee information that would make this all a bit more palatable for me, have at it.

i do know, however, that God has a lesson in all of this for me. i think now i'll just hang back and wait until He gives me a bit of insight (perhaps through one of you....)

melt down.

Salvadore Dali
The Persistence of Memory

~+~+~

i sat through my meeting last night and it was okay. yeah, just okay.

the promise they discussed the third promise, which is "we will comprehend the word serenity.” i feel a lot of things right now, and other than reciting the "serenity prayer" at the beginning of the meeting, that is as close as i have come to feeling serene.

i listened to others share their stories of serenity, how the calm overtook them at a moment they least expected it...how adversity showed its ugly face and they were peaceful. all good stories, all true from what i gather, but serenity is elusive right now in my life.

for those of you who have migrated over from martha, martha, you know this is not an unusual state. the only thing unusual is that i hadn't had a drink in 38 days (as of yesterday).

so i meditate on this whole serenity thing (after having had a stressful day at work) on the way home from my meeting and tears come. big ole hot wet sliding down my face can't stop them if i wanted to tears. not a good time to cry as it was my husband's birthday and i would be seeing my son and daughter-in-law who were supposed to be joining us for cake and coffee. prior to going into the house, i say a prayer as i am turning off my car that i can remain calm and happy for at least the next hour. one hour at a time, right?

i did well. nobody knew of my initial melt in the car on they way home, my son was solo since his bride isn't feeling well because she is in her first trimester, which is understandable because hey, i not only work at a center for childbirth, i have been pregnant myself and understand the different phases.

it went well, right up until the very end. my son and daughter-in-law have eluded to in the past that when the baby decides it's time to arrive, that only "her mother and the staff" are allowed in the room. bear in mind: i am an OB technician - i have been present for probably 100 births both in the labor room and as a OR tech for c-sections. i have actually had patients request me. i have a calming influence and am really unobtrusive. i am professional and take great care of my patients.

last night, he confirmed it: they don't want me in the room when the baby comes.

thinking about my post from yesterday about getting over hurts, this was a tough pill to swallow. also bearing in mind my mini-melt in the car on the way home, this was adding up to a really shitty stomach ache and heart ache at the same time. with all the composure i could muster, i told my son i felt as though i was being shut out, that i couldn't believe they didn't want me there, and just said, "okay. whatever you want."

when he left, he was upset and i had a full-blown melt-down. i tried so hard to keep it in, but it came. i cried and cried and talked about it with my husband and then cried some more. i finally dried my eyes, picked up my knitting and watched Criminal Minds.

i sat and thought about what had just happened, and God reminded me of one of the phrases we have used (among staff) when it comes to crowd control during labor: "If you weren't there for the conception, you don't belong there for the delivery." if both mothers were not allowed in the room, i think i would be "fine" with it. however, because her mother is a welcomed attendee and i am being told, flat out, that i am not -- well, pride goes before a melt down.

i composed a text message after i collected myself that said "whatever you want me to do. where ever you want me to be. i will abide and respect your wishes. i will be near when or if you need me. i love you and won't bring it up again." i sighed and hit "send." while i don't think i am wrong in feeling how i feel, i just want to keep the peace. and no, it is not easy to rise above as i explained to my kids in the car this morning; maintaining peace within a relationship may be some of the hardest work you have to do.

moments later i received the "thank you mom, that means a lot. we will keep you posted about any updates. love you."

(is it any wonder why i don't feel *serene*? can anyone tell me if my entire recovery will be fraught with moments like these as a challenge to the newly-sober or if it does, actually, get easy?)

serenity feels so far away. achy is the here and now and i just keep thinking "pray, don't drink, go to meetings, call your sponsor, and read the Big Book." i am hoping that since i have been so faithful employing all of these into my daily life, that feeling serene will be coming to me sooner, rather than later.

please -- remain seated.

what is seemingly such a slow process (because it is such a slow process), i wish my days weren't so up and down. stop the ride, i want to get off. [like it was so under control when i drank. ha.]

my meetings the last three days have been phenomenal. really compelling, worthy, intense, dramatic, touching. and i now have two chips and a bunch of attagirls :)

[really awesome.]

i think in an effort to articulate what i am feeling, the best way to describe myself for today is this: i am not used to being in a subordinate position. i am used to being a leader of sorts, one who is self-assured and confident and able to reach out to others who are suffering. i do not like being the suffering one. not at all. i know there are others who are struggling around me, and hear of when others "go out," which makes my heart drop. there was the one girl i gave a chip to that i haven't seen since, but one thing this program makes me is (a) realize i am only responsible for my own sobriety, and (2) not want to be the one to "go out" that others discuss at meetings in my absence.

and wow, i can't really do much of anything for anyone else other than to be fully present when they share and maybe get myself into a home group where i can be responsible for arriving early and setting up for a coffee commitment. then i'll at least feel useful. however, until i am led to which group i want to belong to -- i am narrowing my choices, but it is difficult -- i will sit and knit, think, and hopefully grow, continue to move forward, one 24-period at a time.

without getting out of my chair.

[oy.]

homework

i think i found my home group, which i understand is important to have so you can become more interconnected with the members and be of service to others. i am comfortable with the people in this particular group and think i am going to take the next step next week and approach someone after the meeting.

y'all know i am all about service :)

i arrived on time, but the meeting was packed and i am guessing it is because it is the weekend before NY's Eve. i don't think i will have a problem with NYE because i have never been one (in my adult years anyway) to utilize it as a time to get wasted. shit, i had all the other weekends preceding it to do so...why not wake up without a hangover on NY's Day and be different than all the rest?

big ole heaping dose of pride.

my sponsor saved me a seat which was great because -- did i mention this? -- i knit during the meetings. i kid you not, my needles fly the entire time, i think i average about 9 rows an hour, which is pretty amazing as i really started this blanket in earnest when i decided to become sober 3 (almost 4!!) weeks ago. if you know me from m2, you know i take forever to complete something. there is sobriety in this blanket that i will be finishing probably by next week. and yes, the baby will be quite spoiled as i intend to start another one once this is finished.

back to my sponsor -- she has told me what she requires of me:

• check in daily. even if it's only a quick *hello*
• read from the Big Book daily
• start writing out my drinking history

the first two, i was okay; the last one? not so much. it is that whole Step 4 - fearless inventory thing that has me shaking in my shoes. i knew it was coming, but i also knew that God wouldn't bring me to it without bringing me through it. ugliness on paper, searching and fearless.

i have plans to take molly out today, just the two of us, but i am going to get this started this evening.

fearless and searching. (ouch already...)

not alone

Abandoned
Originally uploaded by R1 User

i have a sponsor, officially. she is the one who helped "talk me down" on Christmas morning and when i saw her last night and she gave me a huge hug, i thought i'd ask her. she hugged me again and is thrilled and will be wonderful for me, i can feel it.

speaking of wonderful for me: that equals you. being able to come in here, say what i need to say to get it out of the dark and into the light makes it so much better; reading your comments and knowing you are praying for me, rooting for me, offering me phone numbers...is overwhelming. aside from my occasional prayer requests, i can never recall asking for so much help. God is sending help from everywhere, most of all where i least expect it.

i was in a bit of a "hangover" yesterday, mood-wise, from Christmas day. today, i am feeling much better.....exchanging emails with a friend have helped considerably. i am not alone.

i am so not alone.

gratitude and bay view

not knowing if it was fully in me, or if it was by "happenstance" yesterday, i awoke today again in a feeling of gratitude.

i went to an early meeting this morning (what a difference in how my day runs!) and it overlooked the bay in the town i grew up in. it was peaceful and peace-filled and i can honestly say as i look around at those sipping their coffee and offering up their stories in a sense of sacrifice in order to help the struggling ones overcome, i found myself sitting in a chair of gratitude.

who would have thought?

three weeks ago i began my journey and as i sit and listen to these folks with 12 years...3 years...23 years "next week, God willing" i cannot help but think of how blessed i am sitting in the company of giants.

i am actually starting to feel blessed!

there is sobriety in these coffee urns, and the sights and sounds in these meeting rooms are actually conduits of holiness: the kind of holiness to comes to you only when you are broken and shattered; that comes when you beckon. it is there, in its silence, in its enormity, its entirety -- the sum of all its parts. sacred ground.

who will rescue me from this body of death? thanks be to God, and it is all because i finally recognized my life as unmanageable, that there was a power Greater than Me, and i can actually turn things over to Him without pretending i have and taking it back in all its denial glory.

God, am i happy about that.