90 days

yesterday i celebrated 90 days of continuous sobriety. when compared to someone with 17 years, it is a mere drop in the bucket. "relate don't compare." but whatever - i have 90 days and i am pretty happy about that. (by the way -- the "90 meetings in 90 days i was so concerned about? i probably did about 120 meetings in 90 days, at least - many, many times i doubled up. what do you know :)

max's surgery went well, aside from an extra night in the hospital because of swelling. we are at an odd stage where he is hungry, cannot eat yet, and is getting bitter when we eat. there has to be a middle ground, i am hopeful we will find it. he was in an "off" mood yesterday, but it could simply be because he is bored and wants to get out, but doesn't feel well enough to do anything. he goes to the doctor's tomorrow, so i am anxious to see if he's lost any more weight (he dropped 10 pounds from being on liquids for one week prior to surgery. pretty sweet jump-start.)

right now in my life, i feel like i am treading water. i went to confession yesterday and did a 5th step with my priest, felt pretty good about it when all was said about what i'd done (or failed to do) and was looking at the 12-step list they had at the meeting last night and stopped at
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
these two gave me pause as i really think they go hand-in-hand. i am totally ready to have God remove my defects of character, but stop short of humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings, because if i know God, He will kick my ass breaking me of my defects.

does anyone understand what i am saying?

if i pray for patience, i know He is generous in dishing me situations that will try my patience. i learned not to ask for that a long time ago. doing something simple, like asking in prayer for Him to "direct my thinking" is an easy one. asking Him to help me "be a better person" or to "help someone who is struggling," easy.

asking Him to remove my defects of character? not so much. girlfriend has a boatload of defects, most of which are pretty much summed up in the 7 deadly sins. (well, maybe not so much greed or envy, but the others i nod in affirmation when i read them...)

where does that leave me? i trust in God, yes. i believe He will lead and guide me into all truths, yes. i have been on a pretty good run this week and am afraid of upsetting the apple cart. i know we all have fear of the unknown, and i know my imagination can totally run away from me, so why is it i cannot "let go and let God?" i cannot handle my crap on my own, i recognize the need for God in my life, and i am willing to turn my life and my will over to His care and protection. i know all this. "care and protection" sounds like a walk in the park compared to "remove all my shortcomings."

i cannot imagine what He will do, so i guess i will skip steps 6 and 7 and go onto 8...
7. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
8. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
oh, wow...

[could someone assist me with my apple cart?]

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