first post deleted (sweet skills) re-write (story of my life)

I had a resolution to begin writing again. I figured why set up expectations on New Year's Day to simply fail? Why not start on Day 3?

Begs 2 questions:

1. Do I still have an audience?
2. [do I still have a voice?]

In no particular order, my life bullet points:
  • I am still hopelessly flawed. 
  • I have no religion I ascribe to currently but I really do miss The Faith. I stopped going when my actions no longer aligned with the tenents of the Mothership. Divorce is a no-no and once one is so situated, receiving Communion is no longer an option. In my mind, I hear "what's the point?"
  • [i do miss the Mass. And the prayers and incense rising and Confession and talking to Mary and lighting candles and stained glass.]
  • I read a lot of Buddhist-inspired writings and absolutely love the philosophy. I am wondering: can one be a Catholic Buddhist? Is that too cafeteria-styled?
  • I adore the new Pope. 
  • I turned 50 last April. 
  • I am divorced but do have a boyfriend who I like to think is the love of my life when I am in a state of complete acceptance. When I am not *there*, I think I run thru a gammit of emotions that vacillate between utter confusion and total disdain for all things relational. 
  • Then I get some rest and things always feel a bit better the following day. 
  • I question a lot of things still, but I am definitely accepting of my curiosity. 
  • I have 6 years of continuous sobriety, but have also started attending mtgs for those friends and families of those who are thus similarly afflicted and affected by a loved one's using or not using. I like these meetings. A lot. 
  • I am trying as best I can.
  • I know feelings aren't facts - facts don't change. Feelings do. 
I am tired of roaring thru my moleskine journals with no feedback. I am here. I am open. 

[i do have a voice - it may be a bit raspy, but it's still there]


Annabel said...

Yes, you do still have an audience. Is getting an annulment from the Church out of the question? That is the first thing I investigated before becoming Catholic. I'm sure you know that divorce itself isn't a sin so I guess there's more going on. I suggest at least investigating an annulment - I think it would open doors for you if you want to come back to the Church at some point.

~pen~ said...

Annabel, thank you!! For being here, for commenting -- I have thought about an annulment but have issues with saying the marriage did not take place and therefore, my children are without identity in the church? Maybe I need to look at it with a different set of eyes. Thanks for your input :)

Caedmon Michael said...

I'm here, too! I've enjoyed seeing more of you lately and, wherever it may be, I do hope (but without placing expectations!) I continue to see you around. You are a good friend.

I spent a couple years delving into Buddhist teachings and practices (the same years I was in RCIA and Catholic formation). I didn't give much thought to being a "Buddhist Catholic" or some such thing, but instead recognized there is Truth in the Buddhist teachings and practices and, further, it is glorifying to Creator and Creation to graciously receive the gift of that Truth. I think it's great when we can find identity within a single body without seeing other bodies as threats, competition, or enemy.

I never sought a declaration that my marriage was null because it wasn't. It was a sacrament entered into freely and joyfully. The relationship broke beyond human repair and we divorced, but the marriage was legit. That made being Catholic hard because I want the intimacy of marriage but to remarry would take me out of fellowship. It was an awkward grace when she passed away.

Hope said...

You might be interested in the writings of Susan Stabile. She was raised Catholic, became a Bhuddist nun and then came back to the church. She has a book called Growing In Love and Wisdom: Tibbetan Bhuddist Sources for Christian Meditation. It's on my wishlist of books to buy! She also has a blog.

At any rate - so good to read your post and hear how you are doing!!

Beth Stoddard said...

Still here, part of your audience. I believe you still have a voice.

Glad to read you here again. Glad you are in this good place.

JLTan said...

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

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Lori said...

Yes and Yes.... always....

Seana L Purvis said...

Hello, Penni. Nice to hear your voice again. I am your M3, in a different wrapper. :)

zakerna said...

"I know feelings aren't facts - facts don't change. Feelings do."

You wrote the above, and it struck me because I have recently learnt that my feelings are "true north" when it comes to sorting out what is and what is not.

"Feelings never lie" is what I learnt. My mind does. It tells me untruths about who I am, what I must and must not do, what is going to happen to me, what other people are thinking... and and and. If I pay attention to the feeling, and listen to the mind-talk, I can catch that constant stream of misinformation going on. And KNOW the truth. And be set free.

A said...

I agree with what zakerna wrote...I think..... :)
Peace to you Pen

~pen~ said...

very nice to see your initial A -- how are things?

A said...

Very simply, about the best they've ever been on most days. :)

I too have been through a divorce since you knew me several years ago. I'm remarried now to my best friend and helping raise three step kids who I adore. I'm doing what I love, working on a PhD in history. Life is good.

Jan said...

Are you still here? It's been many years but you've popped into my heart over the years.

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. <3

Jan (aka spiritual ingenue)

Jan said...

HEY!! Don't know if you're still here... it's been a hundred years since I've blogged. So much life has happened. Hope you're doing well, friend. All my love. xoxo

Janice aka Spiritual Ingenue