I had a resolution to begin writing again. I figured why set up expectations on New Year's Day to simply fail? Why not start on Day 3?
Begs 2 questions:
1. Do I still have an audience?
2. [do I still have a voice?]
In no particular order, my life bullet points:
- I am still hopelessly flawed.
- I have no religion I ascribe to currently but I really do miss The Faith. I stopped going when my actions no longer aligned with the tenents of the Mothership. Divorce is a no-no and once one is so situated, receiving Communion is no longer an option. In my mind, I hear "what's the point?"
- [i do miss the Mass. And the prayers and incense rising and Confession and talking to Mary and lighting candles and stained glass.]
- I read a lot of Buddhist-inspired writings and absolutely love the philosophy. I am wondering: can one be a Catholic Buddhist? Is that too cafeteria-styled?
- I adore the new Pope.
- I turned 50 last April.
- I am divorced but do have a boyfriend who I like to think is the love of my life when I am in a state of complete acceptance. When I am not *there*, I think I run thru a gammit of emotions that vacillate between utter confusion and total disdain for all things relational.
- Then I get some rest and things always feel a bit better the following day.
- I question a lot of things still, but I am definitely accepting of my curiosity.
- I have 6 years of continuous sobriety, but have also started attending mtgs for those friends and families of those who are thus similarly afflicted and affected by a loved one's using or not using. I like these meetings. A lot.
- I am trying as best I can.
- I know feelings aren't facts - facts don't change. Feelings do.
I am tired of roaring thru my moleskine journals with no feedback. I am here. I am open.
[i do have a voice - it may be a bit raspy, but it's still there]