first post deleted (sweet skills) re-write (story of my life)

I had a resolution to begin writing again. I figured why set up expectations on New Year's Day to simply fail? Why not start on Day 3?

Begs 2 questions:

1. Do I still have an audience?

2. [do I still have a voice?]

In no particular order, my life bullet points:

• I am still hopelessly flawed. 
• I have no religion I ascribe to currently but I really do miss The Faith. I stopped going when my actions no longer aligned with the tenents of the Mothership. Divorce is a no-no and once one is so situated, receiving Communion is no longer an option. In my mind, I hear "what's the point?"
• [i do miss the Mass. And the prayers and incense rising and Confession and talking to Mary and lighting candles and stained glass.]
• I read a lot of Buddhist-inspired writings and absolutely love the philosophy. I am wondering: can one be a Catholic Buddhist? Is that too cafeteria-styled?
• I adore the new Pope. 
• I turned 50 last April. 
• I am divorced but do have a boyfriend who I like to think is the love of my life when I am in a state of complete acceptance. When I am not *there*, I think I run thru a gammit of emotions that vacillate between utter confusion and total disdain for all things relational. 
• Then I get some rest and things always feel a bit better the following day. 
• I question a lot of things still, but I am definitely accepting of my curiosity. 
• I have 6 years of continuous sobriety, but have also started attending mtgs for those friends and families of those who are thus similarly afflicted and affected by a loved one's using or not using. I like these meetings. A lot. 
• I am trying as best I can.
• I know feelings aren't facts - facts don't change. Feelings do. 

I am tired of roaring thru my moleskine journals with no feedback. I am here. I am open. 

[i do have a voice - it may be a bit raspy, but it's still there]

why I remain a Catholic

1493-96
Sandstone with partial painting
St. Lorenz, Nuremberg

-+-+-+

As my gentle readers know, I attended the Ordination to the Deaconate last weekend, but what I have yet to share is my dear Monsignor (who was my Confessor for the last 10 years) passed away last weekend and his Masses were held Wednesday night and Thursday morning - Wednesday night was the Mass of Jesus Christ, the High Priest and Thursday, his funeral Mass. I attended Wednesday night's service and the feelings I had while being there haven't left me yet.

There were many, many priests in attendance and the homily was wonderful and the incense was amazing. I left there realizing that I am a sensual girl in that I love the high Masses. I have been to one Latin Mass, at Washington DC at the church of the Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle where President Kennedy was buried from and actually loved every minute of it, regardless of how much I understood. I have attended Masses for Ordination and funeral services for Priests and laity alike; baptisms, weddings, Confirmations. The Easter Vigil is a Mass like no other and is a Mass I will never miss (as the Lord wills it, right?)

The sounds of a sublime choir, the smell of the incense rising along with our prayers, the incantation of the psalms and the Gospel, the reception of the Eucharist -- it is transcendent and sacramental and sacred to me, regardless of the differences I have with my Church and the faith I have been working out and through in fear and trembling. The art and the ancient writings also add to my senses, as well as the line of Apostolic teaching encourages me to stay Catholic.

All of these reasons, and the fact that I have, throughout the past two years, asked time and again (while I am in prayer and while I am not) if I am to leave the Catholic Church and the answers has been a "No," resoundingly, each and every time -- who am I to argue with that?

Every comment has been printed out. I have received emails I truly do not deserve, but am exceedingly grateful for, and held one telephone conversation I won't soon forget :) (think Jesuit seminarian, Boston-area...)

I am convinced in my heart of hearts that I am a Catholic and will remain thusly. I may not be into a lot of the devotions that my fellow Catholics are but now realize that some of what I feel is over-the-top is not meant for me but that I am no less Catholic for it.

I do know that I love the Sacraments...I love the richness and beauty of the Church, the ancient and sacredness of the Traditions (capital T on purpose), and the saints, their lives, their struggles; they bring me closer to God. Mary and I may have some work to do together, but that is okay, as well.

Your words of encouragement, advices, and affirmations have been invaluable to me. This has been a week of true soul-searching, struggling, back and forth with God and He has spoken to me through all of you and in the silence of my heart. Whoever says the internet doesn't foster *real* friendships doesn't know you folks.

I want to be where God wants me to be and I believe He wants me to remain in the Church with my family. He will continue to meet me there, as well as through the eyes of the poor.

So be it.

Divine Mercy Sunday

I read all over the blog-o-sphere all of the writings my fellow brethren have posted about Divine Mercy Sunday. I will be honest, and as I have just admitted to another Christian friend, I am not one to do novenas or sign up for what has been gleaned from another's private revelation. I am sure this will set a bunch of my friends into a tailspin, but it is something that I have struggled with when I haven't felt "Catholic Enough," but have been assured by enough folks that private revelation is just that: private. You can choose to believe if you desire to do so (which I think the Holy Spirit plays a big part in your belief) and if it strengthens your faith, blessings!

"Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophetic utterances. Test everything; retain what is good" (1 Thess. 5:19–21) Thank you, Lord - You always have the Word of wisdom...

But if it doesn't strike me like it does the rest of your Catholic brothers and sisters, it is okay. It doesn't make me any "less Catholic;" it just means the Holy Spirit hasn't pricked my heart in the same way and I will be fine...I am finally *fine* with that.

Yesterday at work, it was chaotic. The barometric pressure from the Nor'Easter caused many mamas, including mamas who were not due until July or so, to come in with pre-term labor and other assorted conditions. We were hopping yesterday.

They are interesting, the women I work with. Management continually emphasizes teamwork for better customer service scores, but when another nurse called for help with starting an IV on post-partum, the opinions expressed by those still sitting in their chairs who, prior to the phone call were discussing the latest "whatever," were less than kind regarding the nurse who needed assistance. I sat there, incredulous, but because I "know my role," basically said nothing at that time. I got up and went down the hall to see what was happening in triage. When the nurse came back that went up to assist and the conversations started up all over again about the nurse who needed help, I said "do you realize how much she had to humble herself to ask for that help? I just don't *get* you folks! I am sorry, but I don't!!" The conversation came to an abrupt halt.

Also, we have many patients now who come from the City (meaning Atlantic City) because our OB department closed and we have merged into one unit. I was actually hired for the City but the mainland was so busy, I was only assigned to go once. I was also disappointed because the City gets varied clientele - from the rich visitors to the casino who came a little too close to their due date to the homeless. I was excited because I would be with "my peeps..." My excitement turned to disappointment turned back to excitement because now, we get everybody.

One of my patients yesterday was one of the homeless. She fell and was brought in by ambulance because she fell on her tummy and we had a wonderful chat about her baby at "home" and her baby in her belly while I transported her to ultrasound. When I went to pick her up to take her back, she had been given four pictures from the ultrasound tech that she was thrilled to have; thank God, the baby is fine and she will probably be back in about a month to deliver...another homeless girl who had already delivered was upstairs. Her "family" and visitors were asked to leave because they were found sleeping on the floor in her room because they had nowhere to go and wanted to stay in a show of support for the mama and probably because they had no place else to go that was warm and out of the horrendous weather conditions we have been experiencing. The chatter I heard, again at the nurse's station but actually, on a different floor, was mind-boggling.

"Where is the compassion? Where is the grace, the mercy?" Again, the Mouthy One, again, the conversation ender. Oh, well.

However, I am thinking in my own way, and even though I didn't pray the prescribed prayers and do all the things one has to do in order to obtain special graces, I experienced my own Divine Mercy Sunday.

Well, now.

the Triduum

The Triduum- the the three most sacred days of the Easter season:

Christ redeemed us all and gave perfect glory to God principally through his paschal mystery: dying he destroyed our death and rising he restored our life. Therefore the Easter Triduum of the passion and resurrection of Christ is the culmination of the entire liturgical year." (Vatican Council)

I found a very plain language explanation for those of you who are unaware of what it means, but it boils down to this:

Thus we take forty days (Lent) to prepare, three days (Easter Triduum) to experience, and fifty days (Easter time) to celebrate the great mystery of our faith.

What an incredible three days, my absolute favorite Mass (other than the Easter vigil) is tonight: the institution of the Eucharist and the reenactment of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples. Years ago, I was one of the parishioners who had their feet washed and it was an incredibly moving and humbling experience. After Mass, the Blessed Sacrament is exposed and we are asked to sit a while with Jesus "in the Garden," but I find at my church, for whatever reason, it is way too noisy and people are too chatty when we are supposed to be leaving in silence. I work at the hospital tomorrow, Good Friday, which is appropriate if I have to be doing anything at all. From noon until 3:00 p.m., whether I am home or not, all things electronic are turned off (including telephones) and my children read quietly out of respect for the day. I will probably stop off at Our Lady of Sorrows where they are open 24/7 and stay a while prior to going home.

On Saturday at 8:00 p.m., I am the first Lector at the Easter Vigil (Genesis - it is becoming a tradition!) The priest who I spoke of seeing this past Sunday used to call the Vigil "the motherload of all liturgies!" He would be correct; it is incredible and if you have never attended one, you should treat yourself. They begin in darkness while the Paschal candle is lit in the back of the church and all in attendance subsequently light their candles off of this single flame until the entire church is illuminated with flickering candles...there are magnificent readings and the music is equally as glorious. One of my favorite nights of the year.

We will be off to our families' homes for brunch and dinner on Sunday, which also happens to be my 18th wedding anniversary (the man is long-suffering, bless his soul), so this is really just a long-winded way of saying "see you next week!"

Thank you, Jesus, for your Sacrifice; Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

Easter blessings to you and yours :)

Point of Origin

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

My husband suggested we attend Mass this morning at another Catholic church in the area - one of our former servers is a cantor and he wanted to hear her sing; I have had the pleasure of hearing her before, she is angelic. Unfortunately, she was not the cantor this morning, but we were not disappointed: the young man who sang this morning was wonderful and the Mass was really incredible on so many levels.

As soon as we walked in, we were thrilled to see the priest who welcomed me into the faith 11 years ago...he was happy to see us, too. He is now senior pastor at that parish and he said "Penni, you will walk in and see how things used to look at St. Bernadette's!" He was right - he had quite a flair and loves the liturgy. I said "Oh, Father -- things have been so different...you have no idea." He nodded his head and said "You are welcomed here. Any time. All the time..." and I smiled and squeezed my husband's hand as we walked in, knelt and took our places.

I love Palm Sunday service because it marks the beginning of the holiest week on the calendar. I get so much more excited about this week than any other; it is so full. Before Mass began, I gave much thought as to how I spent my Lenten season this year and it has been like none preceding. Admittedly, I have not been as faithful as I have in the past by attending Mass every single day, but I have been stilled and quieted and have conversed more with the Lord these past 33 days than I can ever recall. I have been looking for God in different churches, different worship services, and different directions. I feel Him "here" and "there," but had never really felt "settled" in the other churches I attended; I am ready to settle in again. Be still, my soul.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

God has taken me, used me, molded me, shaped me and I am sure, is no where near finished with me yet. The readings from Mass today were exceptionally poignant and I never find myself chiming in with the crowd at the point in the Gospel where they shout "Crucify Him!" I always get choked up and tremendously sad at that point and wonder if I would have been among the crowd shouting or among the women who were moaning and lamenting when He was carrying His cross...I know in my lifetime, I have been both and yet He, being the faithful God that He is, stays right where I can find Him, immobile, my Center.

We left the church in silence as instructed and as we sat in the car, I said "that is the first time in so very long that I can recall leaving Mass feeling 'full.' How incredible the whole experience."

How incredible, indeed, that I may end up where I started...

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

Poetry excerpts taken from "A Valediction Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne

One of the cooler things about the Catholic Blog Awards was discovering new blogs that I am now actually following -- not commenting yet, but following. This is an excerpt from Fr. Dwight Longenecker who would be a priest I would travel to go see. I wish he were closer to my home town...

...This is the theme of my own book, More Christianity. In many different ways I have argued that Catholicism is not essentially something different, but something more. On the other hand, Catholics who leave for Protestantism are most often rejecting Catholicism, and if they don't at first, they are soon taught to by their new found faith.

In saying that, many Catholics leave the faith for Evangelicalism because (for many reasons) they did not receive a personal encounter with Jesus Christ. There are many shallow and ignorant reasons for Catholics to leave, but we have to admit that there are also some good reasons, and we only have ourselves to blame.

Amen and amen.

In a nutshell...

How do I summarize the last two full weeks without boring you all tears? I know, I'll make it into a bullet-point discussion and you can ask questions if you so desire afterwards in the comments section. I promise I will respond.

1. Closing the cafe was a bit rough.
2. I cried on the Wednesday before we closed, which is a good thing because it left my system before Sunday when some of my customers were crying.
3. If you missed out on your hug on the way out the door, I have some to spare :)
4. Biopsies of your thyroid gland are very painful.
5. I almost passed out.
6. Thyroid scan returned a "cool to cold" nodule, meaning = not so hot (ha, ha) or not good.
7. Biopsy was recommended by radiologist, but had already been done.
8. I have no patience awaiting results, which came 5 days after they were supposed to...
9. ...with the diagnosis of "no diagnosis" because they didn't get enough cells from doing the biopsy.
   
10. It was suggested that I should "repeat the biopsy."
11. I had other suggestions.
    
12. Penni was upset.
13. Very upset.
14. Penni cannot tell you what she really said as she would lose friends over her potty mouth.
    
15. Actually two seconds ago hung up with doctor's office who said "no you are NOT going to repeat that biopsy; keep your appointment Tuesday."
16. Thank God for Millie :)
17. Jimbo started new job today.
18. He is a happy guy.
19. I heard they are doing a ton of work to the cafe, the things we requested be done but weren't and I am having a hard time with being a little put-out.
20. But it passes.
21. Rather quickly :)
22. I had a small article published in the Porpoise Diving Life
    
23. My good friend Jeff was in charge.
    
24. He is a swell guy.
25. As is RWK, who also had a story there too.
    
26. I have also discovered I just want to be the best Christ-follower I can be...
27. ...but enjoy being Catholic because I recognize Jesus in the Eucharist.
28. I guess they are stuck with me :)
    
29. Took Mom to doctor's; she looked great, feels great, but doesn't "test" well.
30. She needs to be on oxygen "all the time" and doc wants her out on permanent disability.
31. Mom was sad.
32. I am just happy Mom is with us.
33. Mom is happy doctor said she could drink wine with dinner.
34. Penni is happy about that too :)
35. I have read blogs and commented on some.
36. I've missed blogging but not writing too much.
37. We have a new priest at our parish that seems to want to make changes.
38. I am skeptical but open.
39. Centering prayer can probably change my life...
40. ...if I practice it with more regularity.
41. I actually love it.
42. I have missed my friends.
43. I am grateful for the comments left by new folks...
44. and am grateful for the emails I have received in private.
45. You all inspire me to be a better person.

There you have it -- I am back and will keep you posted about the condition my condition is in. Please tell me what I missed in my absence :)

there is something about Mary

estudiante (Aram Hakhumyan) -
madonna and child

~~~~

The Sub Tuum Praesidium

We fly to thy protection,
O holy Mother of God;
despise not our petitions
in our necessities,
but deliver us always
from all dangers,
O glorious and blessed Virgin.
Amen.

It is oftentimes difficult to explain to my Protestant brethren what it is that attracts Catholics to have more devotion to Mary. For this former Protestant, it was never an issue: She was the Mother of Jesus, we are told to Honor our Father and Mother and in desiring to be more like Jesus, we should give His Mother honor and respect, so it simply made sense. As does asking for the saints to intercede for us on our behalf since we ask our friends to pray, why not ask the saints who are in Heaven, already glorified with God, to pray for us, as well?

Scott at Swept Over gives wonderful thoughts on this beautiful, ancient prayer, as well as further reflection in his comments section. Scott is also a convert to the faith; a learned one at that. Good stuff, Scott.

Being Directed

Rogier Van der Weyden
The Magdalen Reading

~*~*~*~

I left for my meeting yesterday morning with great anticipation because I was meeting with someone different than the first time - I don't recall how much I discussed it other than I didn't *feel* it went well and when the phone rang the other day to set up the appointment with the other Sister, I leaped at the chance.

As it turned out, I had the same Spiritual Director as I did the first time -- she had seen the appointment book over her secretary's shoulder and said "Penni is one of mine!" so she came instead of the other nun. I had left something in the car so I used my short walk to retrieve my notes as a time for quick prayer to (a) not let my disappointment show and (b) further prayed that I would be open to whatever God had intended for me to know through Sister during our 45-minute meeting.

Can I tell you? We chatted for an hour and a half and it was wonderful! I brought up several issues with the Church that I had been struggling with, she gave me terrific advice and suggestions and said that the longer she sat and talked with me, the more the Lord was "laying on her heart" that I am "a contemplative but don't quite know it...yet..." There are great "depths to where He wants to take" me and she said that it kept coming up in her very strongly as we were talking. She made further suggestions about going to Adoration and practicing Lectio Divina. I am willing to give it a try.

When I came home, there was an envelope from a nearby parish in my mail regarding a seminar they will be holding on "Centering Prayer." Turns out, it is on one of my weekend days off toward the end of February.

Well, now :)

It was as if God is now saying to me, "Where to next?"

trying to stay the course...

Photo credit: Dorthea Lange

I feel like I have been at a bit of a cross-roads when it comes to my religion as of late -- please note, I did not say faith.

Our parish is at the very least lukewarm and unfortunately, most of the parishes in my area are about the same. I have recently withdrawn from serving as Extraordinary Minister and Lector for right now due to health concerns, work and family issues, but feel the decision to do so was a good one, was warranted, and was not at all walking away at a time when there are no others to step up -- there are always others and they always step up. I felt as though I was being called away and I have peace about it.

What this has afforded me is an opportunity to explore other churches in the area, which I have touched upon. What I am finding in doing so is that while I am being *fed* with the sermons and the music, I am missing tremendously the Eucharist. It is almost an unbearable ache, like He is calling to me and this is because I believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist and to me, that is where it starts and stops. Sure, I can visit elsewhere, but I need to be with the Lord as He said He would be with me; joined at the table.

Lent is approaching and I said to my husband last night, my husband who has remained steadfast and true to the faith during all these months of my searching and my questioning, that I cannot imagine myself as anything other than Catholic!! I am submitting myself to the Lord during these next few weeks in prayer and supplication and will do whatever He tells me to do. I have lots of praying and reading to do, and as I mentioned yesterday, I am incredibly fond of JPII and feel there is a real connectedness between us, even more so than when he was living! What is that about? Something else for me to explore, I guess.

Of importance to note is I have another appointment with a potential Spiritual Director -- I had one in the fall with a Sister who was very nice, but I felt no connectedness and she made suggestions which may have been valid, but seem patent to everyone and not simply me (why I think I must be sooo different is another story...) This new Sister and I meet tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. and while I almost didn't take the appointment, the Holy Spirit whispered really, really loud that it was "ADVISABLE TO DO SO." We will see what transpires...

So while my posting may be disjointed and questioning aloud, most posts will be open to comments, some not (but always opened to email). This is a cyber-soul-searching adventure and while I feel more confident about where I am headed with all of this, I appreciate your walking with me on this road.

It's a bit narrow, but I am sure we can all fit.

is there no way to be knit or woven together?

i found the following, via julie d. happy catholic, to be interesting. my question is this: can someone not be both? must you be one or the other when these tenets are applied?

The Protestant imagination focuses on the gulf that separates us from God, while the Catholic view is of the sacramental nature of all that is around us. It is no wonder that while Protestant spirituality focuses on the Word of God (preaching it, hearing it, applying it) in order to repair the separation that divides us from God, Catholic spirituality focuses on finding, lifting, and releasing the Spirit of God that is sometimes hidden or latent in the world around us. This is the world as sacrament, the world incarnated...

Where the Protestant approach to the Spirit is to analyze its meaning, the Catholic approach to the Spirit is to imagine its depths. Where the Protestant mind stops and pulls the strands apart, the Catholic mind makes further connections and intertwines the strands...Jon M. Sweeney, from Lure of the Saints: A Protestant Experience of Catholic Tradition

i declare: i want to be both. i am both. why must it be one or the other? can we not be woven together, using all of our efforts, our selves, to all connect and intertwine?

where does that leave me?
where does that leave you??

from matthew lickona's blog (the author of swimming with scapulars, a book on the penster's wish list, tyvm...)

And if the embrace of faith is not a cure-all, neither is its practice. The longtime Catholic cannot say with confidence that he is free of vice simply because his guilt has been removed in confession. Often, the vice remains; often, it endures. There should be no wonder in this. “Don’t ever be surprised by sin,” one of my teachers once told me. “Rather, be surprised, delighted and grateful when sin is overcome.” The wonder, it seems to me after just thirty-odd years of living, is that there is any hope for change, that nature and grace may so conspire as to lift a man out of the ruts he has dug for himself. The movement, if my own attempts are any indication, can be as dramatic as any conversion. The difference is that there is no moment of transformation – no waters of baptism, no graceful words, no welcoming community of faith. Just ground reclaimed, gradually and painfully, from the unsleeping enemy.