diamond in the rough

this admission thing is pretty cool. now that the admitting part is over, the acting as if part steps to the forefront. sure, the first few days i was on a pink cloud of sorts, feeling like "it has lifted!" and it is due, in part, to the relationship with the husband flying along seamlessly. i know that will come to an abrupt halt as it almost always does, hence the ebb and flow of the married life. i am also thinking that things can't always be "like new" when you have been married 19 years, together almost 21. a deeper thing must take over. patience, tolerance.

so far, i'm doing just fine.

in other news, i pick up my 6 month chip today. i remember sitting in the rooms for the first couple of weeks, covetous over those receiving their monthly stipends, marveling at those who made it into the "yearly" category. thinking to myself, "i'll never make it." i know, i know - work the steps. i actually picked up a second sponsor since having time with Wendy is so difficult. this lady has 29 years of sobriety, but is a "snowbird" who flies south in the winter. i figured between the two of them, i'm covered. (some are sicker than others, right? need all the help i can get...)

i am 6 months sober and yet, wrestle daily with the notion of "i'll never be able to drink a glass of wine again..." still. i have to be careful of the movies i watch because of the romantic drinking but now, the romantic romance. one would think it easy to differentiate between hollywood and penni's life which is a obvious to an outsider; to yours truly? not so much. with all the writing and journaling i do, and now openly discussing my addiction to fantasy and intrigue, you would think i'd be a torrid affair novelist. honestly, i don't even read those books -- maybe when i was like 13 i read a romance novel. but it doesn't interest me. i guess, however, if one would pick up and read my journals, you would beg to differ.

funny thing, that.

so here i am, musing over the past six months. wondering why i don't "feel" like i have been sober for a half a year, wondering if i'll ever get over the "i can'ts" and hopeful still, that for today, i won't pick up a drink.

or a man :)

(kidding, family members who read my blog!)

some days, if that is the best thing i can do, i am faring pretty well. even diamonds start as coal.

history lesson

one of the first things my sponsor wanted me to do was write down my history. all of it. leave nothing out. she said it would give her insight as to how to help me. it took two weeks, but i finally finished.

yesterday, i had breakfast with my sponsor and gave her my journal with my history in it. we finished breakfast early, then went and had coffee at my house and, thereafter, went to a meeting.

i have to admit, there was some pretty harrowing stuff in there. really eye-widening crap. starting at the age of 13. i was a little nervous on and off all day, wondering if she had read it, what she thought, would she call me? i let it go and gave it to God. He's good that way.

i went to a second meeting last night, just because i wanted to and it was a meeting i hadn't attended yet (there is a later one at 8 that i love, but this particular meeting is where i am thinking of making it my home group, but i am digressing...) to my surprise, my sponsor was there with another of her sponsees (she has 6 - is that too many?) and i sat and pulled out my knitting and remembered she had my journal -- i asked her "did you have a chance to *read* anything today??"

her eyes got wide and she came up and hugged me and said, "oh, thank you for sharing!"

i said, "oh, wow -- okay -- do you think i am one fucked up chick now?"

"no - if you want to know *really fucked up*, i can tell you my history. now my history is something to talk about!!"

::blink, blink::

can i tell you? for some reason, at that precise moment in time, i not only didn't want to know her history, i was uncertain if i wanted her to be my sponsor....wtf is wrong with me??

"i didn't know you would be here tonight or i would have returned your journal to you." and that was it.

that.
was.
it.

poured my freaking heart onto paper, gave it to her, and all her response to me was to tell me she is more fucked up than i am. and this, my gentle readers, was the only thing that was said to me after laying my soul bear in such a way as i have never done before. to be told i was less fucked up than she was, that she had me beat by a mile.

and yes, i realize i am being selfish. that i am making this all about me. but for the LOVE OF GOD, it was MY HISTORY and therefore, for once, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME!!!

to be fair, i must tell you she has told me i have an incredible amount of willingness; that she can see it is apparent i have a personal relationship with God, and that we have "a lot in common." she has a lot of sponsees because she is dedicating her life to helping the struggling alcoholic and that is really cool. AGAIN, this was my history, my heartache, my disturbing past, my vulnerabilities splayed out on paper, my childhood i had been robbed of, ad nauseum.

bottom line: her past was worse than mine.

is this what sponsorship is? a lesson in comparison? is this supposed to give me insight as to why i ended up romancing a glass of wine as though it were a clingy lover (with great legs, if it were a finer merlot but again, i am digressing yet again....) i don't know what to make of all this but do know that i was a bit taken aback and if there is anyone with sponsor/sponsee information that would make this all a bit more palatable for me, have at it.

i do know, however, that God has a lesson in all of this for me. i think now i'll just hang back and wait until He gives me a bit of insight (perhaps through one of you....)

not alone

Abandoned
Originally uploaded by R1 User

i have a sponsor, officially. she is the one who helped "talk me down" on Christmas morning and when i saw her last night and she gave me a huge hug, i thought i'd ask her. she hugged me again and is thrilled and will be wonderful for me, i can feel it.

speaking of wonderful for me: that equals you. being able to come in here, say what i need to say to get it out of the dark and into the light makes it so much better; reading your comments and knowing you are praying for me, rooting for me, offering me phone numbers...is overwhelming. aside from my occasional prayer requests, i can never recall asking for so much help. God is sending help from everywhere, most of all where i least expect it.

i was in a bit of a "hangover" yesterday, mood-wise, from Christmas day. today, i am feeling much better.....exchanging emails with a friend have helped considerably. i am not alone.

i am so not alone.