i know! why don't i talk about alcoholism?

so the last (almost) two weeks have been challenging to say the least. those of you who know me can attest to my angsty self. those who *REALLY* know me via email and phone calls actually agree i have good reason to be angsty.

so let's see, what is the best thought i have had since i've been spending so much time in my head? i know! let's quit all of our 12-step programs! that's it!! go from total love and support to desolate isolation. yeah. that sounds good.

so let's just talk myself into not being an alcoholic. i mean, i wasn't that bad, right? so why haven't i shared my experience in detail? if it wasn't that bad, why not have at it? [well, because my experience led me to another fellowship, which we can't list here because it is too revealing. but i don't seem to need that group, either, so i backed out of the last two meetings, and modified my online memberships to daily digests because i was receiving so many emails, i thought the flylady was haunting me for withdrawing from her group altogether.]

(did you get all that?)

so i join the compulsive overeater group and find i don't need them because i have perfect control over every piece of chocolate cake (and peach cake, truth be told, this evening) that goes into my mouth.

(spinning out of control, like a top. the top needs to be stopped or will run out of steam, then what will i be left with?) (myself.) (not good company.)

i am hurting. i have no place to go with my pain. i told my home group this morning at the end of the hour that i felt like i was in the midst of convincing myself i am not an alcoholic so i can gracefully fade out of my morning meetings and nobody would be the wiser and i could go back to drinking again, that i was scaring myself because i felt as though i was laying the foundation to go back out and drink and the ONLY reason i came into AA was because i wanted to stop drinking, and i am freaking out on the inside because i am dealing with disappointment on a daily basis, expectations that have been dashed, and realizations that are gut-wrenching at their core.

my inside self is telling me i need something to stop the pain. that i wasn't "that bad." that i am not "like the others" and "i can handle it." i have myself so convinced that i even journaled about it, that the food thing is my core addiction and now that i have that all figured out, i can start drinking wine again.

[i seem to fail to remember where, exactly, my last glass of merlot *took* me...then the fog clears.]

if i were reading this or listening to another member share what i did this morning objectively, i would have to say that i would never suggest to someone who has been attending AA meetings at least 6-7 days per week for nearly 9 months straight that they were not an alcoholic and that they should go and purchase a bottle of red. i would say something along the lines of "i am so glad you said something! call me when it gets bad, make sure you call me so you don't pick up because you deserve sobriety and a healthy life, all the way around. you are worth so much more than that $18 bottle will afford you! and that pain you speak of? yes, it is acute, but it too shall pass and if you think you are going through hell, keep going...don't turn around now!"

why is the best advice i have that which i give out to others? time to start listening to that inner voice again.

so no, i did not pick up a drink today. i am glad this 24 hours is now over.

thanks for letting me share.

history lesson

one of the first things my sponsor wanted me to do was write down my history. all of it. leave nothing out. she said it would give her insight as to how to help me. it took two weeks, but i finally finished.

yesterday, i had breakfast with my sponsor and gave her my journal with my history in it. we finished breakfast early, then went and had coffee at my house and, thereafter, went to a meeting.

i have to admit, there was some pretty harrowing stuff in there. really eye-widening crap. starting at the age of 13. i was a little nervous on and off all day, wondering if she had read it, what she thought, would she call me? i let it go and gave it to God. He's good that way.

i went to a second meeting last night, just because i wanted to and it was a meeting i hadn't attended yet (there is a later one at 8 that i love, but this particular meeting is where i am thinking of making it my home group, but i am digressing...) to my surprise, my sponsor was there with another of her sponsees (she has 6 - is that too many?) and i sat and pulled out my knitting and remembered she had my journal -- i asked her "did you have a chance to *read* anything today??"

her eyes got wide and she came up and hugged me and said, "oh, thank you for sharing!"

i said, "oh, wow -- okay -- do you think i am one fucked up chick now?"

"no - if you want to know *really fucked up*, i can tell you my history. now my history is something to talk about!!"

::blink, blink::

can i tell you? for some reason, at that precise moment in time, i not only didn't want to know her history, i was uncertain if i wanted her to be my sponsor....wtf is wrong with me??

"i didn't know you would be here tonight or i would have returned your journal to you." and that was it.

that.
was.
it.

poured my freaking heart onto paper, gave it to her, and all her response to me was to tell me she is more fucked up than i am. and this, my gentle readers, was the only thing that was said to me after laying my soul bear in such a way as i have never done before. to be told i was less fucked up than she was, that she had me beat by a mile.

and yes, i realize i am being selfish. that i am making this all about me. but for the LOVE OF GOD, it was MY HISTORY and therefore, for once, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME!!!

to be fair, i must tell you she has told me i have an incredible amount of willingness; that she can see it is apparent i have a personal relationship with God, and that we have "a lot in common." she has a lot of sponsees because she is dedicating her life to helping the struggling alcoholic and that is really cool. AGAIN, this was my history, my heartache, my disturbing past, my vulnerabilities splayed out on paper, my childhood i had been robbed of, ad nauseum.

bottom line: her past was worse than mine.

is this what sponsorship is? a lesson in comparison? is this supposed to give me insight as to why i ended up romancing a glass of wine as though it were a clingy lover (with great legs, if it were a finer merlot but again, i am digressing yet again....) i don't know what to make of all this but do know that i was a bit taken aback and if there is anyone with sponsor/sponsee information that would make this all a bit more palatable for me, have at it.

i do know, however, that God has a lesson in all of this for me. i think now i'll just hang back and wait until He gives me a bit of insight (perhaps through one of you....)

not alone

Abandoned
Originally uploaded by R1 User

i have a sponsor, officially. she is the one who helped "talk me down" on Christmas morning and when i saw her last night and she gave me a huge hug, i thought i'd ask her. she hugged me again and is thrilled and will be wonderful for me, i can feel it.

speaking of wonderful for me: that equals you. being able to come in here, say what i need to say to get it out of the dark and into the light makes it so much better; reading your comments and knowing you are praying for me, rooting for me, offering me phone numbers...is overwhelming. aside from my occasional prayer requests, i can never recall asking for so much help. God is sending help from everywhere, most of all where i least expect it.

i was in a bit of a "hangover" yesterday, mood-wise, from Christmas day. today, i am feeling much better.....exchanging emails with a friend have helped considerably. i am not alone.

i am so not alone.