this admission thing is pretty cool. now that the admitting part is over, the acting as if part steps to the forefront. sure, the first few days i was on a pink cloud of sorts, feeling like "it has lifted!" and it is due, in part, to the relationship with the husband flying along seamlessly. i know that will come to an abrupt halt as it almost always does, hence the ebb and flow of the married life. i am also thinking that things can't always be "like new" when you have been married 19 years, together almost 21. a deeper thing must take over. patience, tolerance.
so far, i'm doing just fine.
in other news, i pick up my 6 month chip today. i remember sitting in the rooms for the first couple of weeks, covetous over those receiving their monthly stipends, marveling at those who made it into the "yearly" category. thinking to myself, "i'll never make it." i know, i know - work the steps. i actually picked up a second sponsor since having time with Wendy is so difficult. this lady has 29 years of sobriety, but is a "snowbird" who flies south in the winter. i figured between the two of them, i'm covered. (some are sicker than others, right? need all the help i can get...)
i am 6 months sober and yet, wrestle daily with the notion of "i'll never be able to drink a glass of wine again..." still. i have to be careful of the movies i watch because of the romantic drinking but now, the romantic romance. one would think it easy to differentiate between hollywood and penni's life which is a obvious to an outsider; to yours truly? not so much. with all the writing and journaling i do, and now openly discussing my addiction to fantasy and intrigue, you would think i'd be a torrid affair novelist. honestly, i don't even read those books -- maybe when i was like 13 i read a romance novel. but it doesn't interest me. i guess, however, if one would pick up and read my journals, you would beg to differ.
funny thing, that.
so here i am, musing over the past six months. wondering why i don't "feel" like i have been sober for a half a year, wondering if i'll ever get over the "i can'ts" and hopeful still, that for today, i won't pick up a drink.
or a man :)
(kidding, family members who read my blog!)
some days, if that is the best thing i can do, i am faring pretty well. even diamonds start as coal.