extremes

there has been an intermittent conversation in the last thread of comments between me and another blogger regarding her son's and my paxil withdrawal symptoms (or per my drug manufacturer, "discontinuation syndrome") (what was that phrase by Shakespeare? a rose by any other name?) and Gabrielle so kindly stated:

Just minutes before reading JW's comment and your own re "jolts and zaps", I watched a YouTube about Paxil withdrawal. Just terrible. I had been under the impression that as you reduced your intake, and were feeling badly, it was because your anxiety was kicking back in and triggering terrible symptoms. But it's actually Paxil withdrawal symptoms, isn't it.

yup. and it isn't pretty. i confided in my doctor (and you, dear readers) that i didn't feel it was being as *effective* as it once was and was suffering other side effects from the medication itself, so instead of increasing it, he wanted to switch me up. no, it isn't my anxiety returning but honestly, how could it not since i feel like i am floating one minute and being internally electrocuted the next? just this morning, after an exhausting night of continuous nightmares and images in can't readily shake from my mind, i could feel my frustration level mounting as i tried to put on a necklace for work, it eased a bit, then i realized i left my coffee upstairs and burst into tears. extreme emotions, and i am not even close to ready to discuss work yesterday.

however, i feel as if i have a bit of hope shining in the distance because i know i will be taking something as of monday that will start to level me out again. (Lord willing i make it til monday....) conversely, i am now reading about Effexor and the side-effects/withdrawal symptoms and am now wondering what to do. i don't want to experience this again, but my history of panic attacks and depression is significant (and if my sisters or brothers are reading this, sorry i've never shared it all with you, pumpkins -- it's just one of those *dark* things my family doesn't know entirely about because you wouldn't want to...) and i am uncertain if i could travel that road again, either.

in the meantime, since i have now visited YouTube and found if not the same article Gabrielle was talking about, one that may offer clarity, below, to those of you interested enough to learn more, satisfy your curiosity, or not. i watched this one by ABC News and clicked on a couple other home vids to confirm i am not losing my mind.

i think.

ABC vid: paxil withdrawals

Day 6

Since I really didn't experience much by way of withdrawal symptoms the first two days sans Paxil, I guess I needed to make up for lost time these past four days.

Just a brief recap: this whole "weaning off so the symptoms will be less" is not cool...for me or for anyone who comes in contact with Captain Potty Mouth and Attitude to Match. Moreover, the physical withdrawals are so random and so quirky, I feel like I simply twitch for no reason or get jolted for good measure, like I am not paying close enough attention and God is giving me an internal shock to launch me into service.

Service of what? Then I mentally debate it, why it is happening, over and again, the internal dialog that doesn't seem to quiet down, ever.

The worst, however, is the anxiety -- the extreme anxiousness I felt when facing something like walking to the Ladies' room at a restaurant: actually having to consider for 20 minutes the walking by people, what if I see people I know and they want to talk to me, deciding against it before actually feeling so uncomfortable it was no longer an option.

The fact that it took me 20 minutes before I could muster up the courage is ridiculous notion to most, humorous to others, but debilitating to me, who actually experienced it.

It totally sucked

new blog, first post

the title should explain a lot, and even if it doesn't at the outset, it will eventually.

i have been on anti-anxiety medications for many years now due to panic attacks and depression. i have tried on one other occasion to withdraw and it was difficult, but i did it. however, my panic attacks and depression returned with a vengeance so i restarted and actually went from 20mg Paxil per day to eventually 40mg.

this latest withdrawal has been from the 40mg and it has been ugly.

in an effort to direct mental health-type traffic over to one specific place, i have decided to forego posting about this on my martha, martha blog and am in the process of transferring all of the darkness over to here, to keep things separate.

thus, my first post. all the other posts that were actually published over at m2 are all wonky and out of sequence. just like my life -- if i can deal, so can you :)

those who have visited with me over at m2 will recognize some of these thoughts already, and if you are new to my neurosis, welcome. say hi in the combox and let me know you are here...i need all the help i can get.

peace,
penni