Since I really didn't experience much by way of withdrawal symptoms the first two days sans Paxil, I guess I needed to make up for lost time these past four days.
Just a brief recap: this whole "weaning off so the symptoms will be less" is not cool...for me or for anyone who comes in contact with Captain Potty Mouth and Attitude to Match. Moreover, the physical withdrawals are so random and so quirky, I feel like I simply twitch for no reason or get jolted for good measure, like I am not paying close enough attention and God is giving me an internal shock to launch me into service.
Service of what? Then I mentally debate it, why it is happening, over and again, the internal dialog that doesn't seem to quiet down, ever.
The worst, however, is the anxiety -- the extreme anxiousness I felt when facing something like walking to the Ladies' room at a restaurant: actually having to consider for 20 minutes the walking by people, what if I see people I know and they want to talk to me, deciding against it before actually feeling so uncomfortable it was no longer an option.
The fact that it took me 20 minutes before I could muster up the courage is ridiculous notion to most, humorous to others, but debilitating to me, who actually experienced it.
It totally sucked.
Showing posts with label withdrawals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label withdrawals. Show all posts
love the skin you're in
Ron Mueck
In Bed
~*~*~*~
...even if all are watching.
day 15 and i am without any pharmacological support (other than my Synthroid) until tomorrow. it's funny - you know when you buy a new car, it seems like everyone in the world has the same care as you? we noticed while watching television last night, just about every other commercial had to do with depression and anxiety and Effexor or Cymbalta.
either it is a huge coincidence or a hug epidemic; i am uncertain as to which.
i am doing okay, knowing that this is almost over -- the zaps were to a minimum this weekend, and my only symptoms these last three days other than failure to sleep through the night (which has long been an issue for me, so i don't know if i can blame the pharmaceuticals...) has been an awful sour stomach. fruity pebbles were a desirable choice this morning, so perhaps that, too, is on the mend.
i've been taking some time and going through my last three years of blog posts (mostly the months i was the chattiest) and have added to my sidebar a new spot "memorable moments," as well as a scrolling view of most of my pics i have uploaded (save for my flickr stuff), and groovy new quotes.
fun stuff, this.
also took some time this weekend to spruce things up a bit and am looking forward to creating my Christmasy blog and perhaps moving all of my mental illness/medication issues to a new blog so this won't be so depressing for people to visit (lest you start thinking you need meds, as well...)
so this is my Sunday. i am searching for some Caryll Houselander to read and will pick up the quilt whilst the hub gazes upon that which is called football here in the states. all are awake, so it is entirely possible to attend a morning Mass instead of our usual 6:30 p.m.
as is not apparent from the picture i have chosen to accompany this post, things really are looking up :)
extremes
there has been an intermittent conversation in the last thread of comments between me and another blogger regarding her son's and my paxil withdrawal symptoms (or per my drug manufacturer, "discontinuation syndrome") (what was that phrase by Shakespeare? a rose by any other name?) and Gabrielle so kindly stated:Just minutes before reading JW's comment and your own re "jolts and zaps", I watched a YouTube about Paxil withdrawal. Just terrible. I had been under the impression that as you reduced your intake, and were feeling badly, it was because your anxiety was kicking back in and triggering terrible symptoms. But it's actually Paxil withdrawal symptoms, isn't it.yup. and it isn't pretty. i confided in my doctor (and you, dear readers) that i didn't feel it was being as *effective* as it once was and was suffering other side effects from the medication itself, so instead of increasing it, he wanted to switch me up. no, it isn't my anxiety returning but honestly, how could it not since i feel like i am floating one minute and being internally electrocuted the next? just this morning, after an exhausting night of continuous nightmares and images in can't readily shake from my mind, i could feel my frustration level mounting as i tried to put on a necklace for work, it eased a bit, then i realized i left my coffee upstairs and burst into tears. extreme emotions, and i am not even close to ready to discuss work yesterday.
however, i feel as if i have a bit of hope shining in the distance because i know i will be taking something as of monday that will start to level me out again. (Lord willing i make it til monday....) conversely, i am now reading about Effexor and the side-effects/withdrawal symptoms and am now wondering what to do. i don't want to experience this again, but my history of panic attacks and depression is significant (and if my sisters or brothers are reading this, sorry i've never shared it all with you, pumpkins -- it's just one of those *dark* things my family doesn't know entirely about because you wouldn't want to...) and i am uncertain if i could travel that road again, either.
in the meantime, since i have now visited YouTube and found if not the same article Gabrielle was talking about, one that may offer clarity, below, to those of you interested enough to learn more, satisfy your curiosity, or not. i watched this one by ABC News and clicked on a couple other home vids to confirm i am not losing my mind.
i think.
this is a test
there is no pass/fail on this question, but i am seeking your opinion...when we were at my brother's on Sunday, we were discussing my current condition (ahem.) and my sister said, "pen, it's just a test."
oh, really? is everything a test?
is every thing, every path, every choice -- all we do, day in and day out -- a big test from God?
does it come down to that for every single word we say, every thought we entertain, every conversation we hold, every solitary moment we enjoy (or don't enjoy, as has been my case as of late) -- as being a big test from God? < inside voice > is He looking over the rims of His glasses at me and wondering wtf i have been doing lately? < /inside voice >
is that how you view your life? i like to see life through the eyes of grace, that certain things that happen to my benefit, even the simplest action from a patient or a co-worker, as a moment of grace. i would hate to view everything as a test from God; i never tested well in school and know i am having a lot of *system failures* lately.
what do you think?
confined.
what a difference a terrible night's sleep can make.
short-fused this morning.
when the words are on the tip of your tongue immediately and you really don't have that "count to 10 rule" cushion before you say anything, it is exceedingly difficult dealing with a rolling-of-the-eyes 14 year-old when it comes to talking about laundry and the past five-freaking-day-weekend and why can't you help, even just a little bit?
- no friends over.
- no computer until i get home from work.
- inches away from no cell phone.
Day 7
i know - it's only 8 a.m., but so far, i've baked muffins and read some blogs, made coffee, and checked out my daughter's best friend's (alana's) flickr account - she got a new camera and actually has a pretty good eye, especially for someone who has been taking pics for about 24 hours and is all of 14 years old :)also felt it was time for a little cat blogging. the first pic is alana's cat, *snowy* who in this pic, to me, looks very nonplus so he matches my early morning mood.
now, we move on to *petey*, who has sweet face in this pic, so i figured i'd add him for good measure since i am going to spend time with my family today...i thought she had a good capture, regardless.(however, i have also been talking with God and am assured He will be with me today as i navigate the waters of River Dysfunctional, so i believe it should be a good day.)
off to the pharmacy to get the new Rx. thank you for indulging me in my addiction/withdrawal postings. this is the tough mean time and i feel the prayers of the saints who are helping me through...
+~+~+~+
\
edited to add:
aside from a brief, but significant internal meltdown in the check-out line of the CVS, and later, upon arriving at home, the burst-into-tears-for-no-good-reason, the day went pretty well.
being at my brother & sister-in-law's house was actually brilliant and it was really lovely seeing all of my *sisters* sitting at the table and talking amicably. and drinking coronas, but i don't believe that is why - i think some mending and reparation is going on and it is really cool to witness.
even when i felt removed. i want to hasten to add that it is Me not Them. i am removing myself when it gets odd on the inside. at least for now.
ahem.
otherwise, mom looked pretty good, save for a couple of needed pounds, and all went swimmingly.
yay :)
did i mention in my quiet time, i have picked up an old hand-quilting project? it seems to center me and it is good for my soul. the only trouble is, and anyone who does handwork and has cats can attest to this: a cat will jump on my lap, regardless of whether there is room with an 18" quilt hoop on it.petey, especially.
more on that later, just felt like sharing *where i am*
/day 7
Day 6
Since I really didn't experience much by way of withdrawal symptoms the first two days sans Paxil, I guess I needed to make up for lost time these past four days.
Just a brief recap: this whole "weaning off so the symptoms will be less" is not cool...for me or for anyone who comes in contact with Captain Potty Mouth and Attitude to Match. Moreover, the physical withdrawals are so random and so quirky, I feel like I simply twitch for no reason or get jolted for good measure, like I am not paying close enough attention and God is giving me an internal shock to launch me into service.
Service of what? Then I mentally debate it, why it is happening, over and again, the internal dialog that doesn't seem to quiet down, ever.
The worst, however, is the anxiety -- the extreme anxiousness I felt when facing something like walking to the Ladies' room at a restaurant: actually having to consider for 20 minutes the walking by people, what if I see people I know and they want to talk to me, deciding against it before actually feeling so uncomfortable it was no longer an option.
The fact that it took me 20 minutes before I could muster up the courage is ridiculous notion to most, humorous to others, but debilitating to me, who actually experienced it.
It totally sucked
Just a brief recap: this whole "weaning off so the symptoms will be less" is not cool...for me or for anyone who comes in contact with Captain Potty Mouth and Attitude to Match. Moreover, the physical withdrawals are so random and so quirky, I feel like I simply twitch for no reason or get jolted for good measure, like I am not paying close enough attention and God is giving me an internal shock to launch me into service.
Service of what? Then I mentally debate it, why it is happening, over and again, the internal dialog that doesn't seem to quiet down, ever.
The worst, however, is the anxiety -- the extreme anxiousness I felt when facing something like walking to the Ladies' room at a restaurant: actually having to consider for 20 minutes the walking by people, what if I see people I know and they want to talk to me, deciding against it before actually feeling so uncomfortable it was no longer an option.
The fact that it took me 20 minutes before I could muster up the courage is ridiculous notion to most, humorous to others, but debilitating to me, who actually experienced it.
It totally sucked
new blog, first post
the title should explain a lot, and even if it doesn't at the outset, it will eventually.
i have been on anti-anxiety medications for many years now due to panic attacks and depression. i have tried on one other occasion to withdraw and it was difficult, but i did it. however, my panic attacks and depression returned with a vengeance so i restarted and actually went from 20mg Paxil per day to eventually 40mg.
this latest withdrawal has been from the 40mg and it has been ugly.
in an effort to direct mental health-type traffic over to one specific place, i have decided to forego posting about this on my martha, martha blog and am in the process of transferring all of the darkness over to here, to keep things separate.
thus, my first post. all the other posts that were actually published over at m2 are all wonky and out of sequence. just like my life -- if i can deal, so can you :)
those who have visited with me over at m2 will recognize some of these thoughts already, and if you are new to my neurosis, welcome. say hi in the combox and let me know you are here...i need all the help i can get.
peace,
penni
i have been on anti-anxiety medications for many years now due to panic attacks and depression. i have tried on one other occasion to withdraw and it was difficult, but i did it. however, my panic attacks and depression returned with a vengeance so i restarted and actually went from 20mg Paxil per day to eventually 40mg.
this latest withdrawal has been from the 40mg and it has been ugly.
in an effort to direct mental health-type traffic over to one specific place, i have decided to forego posting about this on my martha, martha blog and am in the process of transferring all of the darkness over to here, to keep things separate.
thus, my first post. all the other posts that were actually published over at m2 are all wonky and out of sequence. just like my life -- if i can deal, so can you :)
those who have visited with me over at m2 will recognize some of these thoughts already, and if you are new to my neurosis, welcome. say hi in the combox and let me know you are here...i need all the help i can get.
peace,
penni
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