Happy Thanksgiving

Manhattan Project/Cold War Era
Hanford Photo Declassification Project

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i am thankful to have been invited three places to eat dinner today: well, two places and one dessert stop. we have opted to go to Jim's sister's for dinner and i am taking him into work early so i can pick him up by 3 to go to philadelphia.

i believe i will, instead of returning home right away, stop at Sister Jean's kitchen to see if she needs an extra set of hands for a few hours because i know she will have a lot of guests today - it will be my first visit since september because a few days after said visit, i landed my second job and simply haven't had the time. i am making the time today since i am off.

this sunday is my family's traditional dinner - two very important members of the tribe have to work today so we will convene on sunday - with everything delish and our tradition (and anyone who joins us at the table does the same) is that we make a "Thankful List" - 10 things we are thankful for over the past year. we say grace as we gather around the table and we each take turns reciting our list - it is quite poignant and something we all look forward to doing every year. one year, if i recall correctly, i believe ben was thankful for led zeppelin. good times :)

do you have a sacred tradition you carry on with your friends, family? i pray that God blesses you all to overflowing. i know i am thankful for you, dear readers, who have ministered to me in ways you could not possibly know or comprehend. you are blessings to me.

in stitches

max & i spent some quality time in the ER at my hospital last night into late hours of the early morning because he caught his finger in a beach chair when he was "chillin' with some friends at the park," as he told the triage nurse. i will spare the gory details; five stitches, less than one for every hour we were there as we were there for six hours.

six.

hours.

he is fine, we are both exhausted and he now has laryngitis on top of everything else today. sent him to bed already with his tylenol #3. even thought i assist in c-sections and hand sutures off to the doctor without problem, it was a different story last night as i had to look away from max getting his finger stitched -- it is not the same when it is "one of your own," eh?
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also bought some yarn this afternoon and began crocheting a baby blanket -- no, nobody is "on the way," but i am soooo sloooow at my craft it is good to have a jump start ;) , so i am told by my dear husband!
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truthfully, my lovely yarn is a diversion as i am trying my hardest to maintain my status away from the computer as it had become an idol to me -- part of my addiction surrounds my internet use, believe it or not -- and it has been *two weeks clean* away from that which so readily ensnared me and has had me in its death grip for almost five (5) years, on and off. it is amazing what we can turn into an unhealthy thing if we do it out of balance. just about everything we do -- even those things which are seemingly benign and on their surface, innocent -- can lose their shape faster than a knitted blanket which is out of gauge and hopelessly misshapen.
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thank God for the gift of friends - both in the flesh and online - to not be afraid to reach out to me in my time of distress, leave a wonderful comment, send up a silent prayer...call me out on my stuff, to hold me accountable in my actions; to send me encouraging cards and wonderful music to help me keep centered; to email me or call me in the middle of food shopping to say "hey, i am worried about you..." to offer to take a road trip to see a mutual on-line buddy get ordained...to send money and help feed my family. i am grateful to you, and you know who you are. i owe a debt of gratitude to you all for being there for me during a time when all had seemed pretty hopeless. it has seemed that way for a long time, but now i believe i am heading into a pretty hopeful phase. thank God.
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but thank you -- you helped me from being unraveled and prevented me from coming apart at the seams. for that, i am forever grateful, for pieces of my life are woven together by God through you; you are all a part of my tapestry.

Every comment has been printed out. I have received emails I truly do not deserve, but am exceedingly grateful for, and held one telephone conversation I won't soon forget :) (think Jesuit seminarian, Boston-area...)

I am convinced in my heart of hearts that I am a Catholic and will remain thusly. I may not be into a lot of the devotions that my fellow Catholics are but now realize that some of what I feel is over-the-top is not meant for me but that I am no less Catholic for it.

I do know that I love the Sacraments...I love the richness and beauty of the Church, the ancient and sacredness of the Traditions (capital T on purpose), and the saints, their lives, their struggles; they bring me closer to God. Mary and I may have some work to do together, but that is okay, as well.

Your words of encouragement, advices, and affirmations have been invaluable to me. This has been a week of true soul-searching, struggling, back and forth with God and He has spoken to me through all of you and in the silence of my heart. Whoever says the internet doesn't foster *real* friendships doesn't know you folks.

I want to be where God wants me to be and I believe He wants me to remain in the Church with my family. He will continue to meet me there, as well as through the eyes of the poor.

So be it.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships and what they mean. i can remember when my grandfather said if i could count my friends on one hand, i would be fortunate - i thought he was a bit off when he said that, but now i can appreciate the wisdom of his words.

what kind of friend are you?

i have a lot of acquaintances and have found in my adulthood that it is difficult to make friends, it is difficult to maintain friends at times. there are friends who are your *fun* friends, not much depth, but cool to hang out with...sandpaper friends who are brusque and abrupt and sort of irritate and grate, but are worthy because they help refine you...friends who are like velvet and have the right words to say when you are hurting or aching (especially after hanging out with your sandpaper buds)...but what about the true friend? the one who knows you better than you sometimes know yourself, that can see right into you and through you, that asks the hard questions and really cares about your responses? the one who can walk that lonely road with you, the tough road, the narrow way.

how honest can you be with your friends? i think it depends upon how honest you can be with yourself.

tact and diplomacy are necessary ingredients in friendships, but man, if you are really saying you want to be who you are meant to be in Christ, sometimes you need to be have a true friend, need to have someone get in your face and tell you point blank when you are doing wrong. you need to help them to help you step up to the plate and be accountable because when you are in sin, you affect those around you - you affect the body of Christ and that means is your sin has an impact on the lives of people close to you and not close to you, like a ripple effect.

for instance, over the past six months, i now recognize it was my junk that has taken me out of several ministries that i have been involved in for many years because i knew, deep down, i was unworthy of the call -- yes it is true. i say i have been "seeking" and "searching," but really? i was in a blatant sin. i thought "how can i stand up there and distribute communion when i have no business doing so?" or "how can i instruct 8th graders how to be good soldiers for Christ if i am not walking it myself?" if i am going to be honest, that one *thing* has kept me away from the many things i enjoyed doing for the Lord because i knew i was not up to it, standard-wise, and so i took a step back.

trust me, i was not and it was wise to take a step back.

i recognize we all fall short of the goal -- how real are you ready to be when it comes to looking at what it is you are doing to say "i am tired of this charade - i want to be real, i am broken, i am ready to submit to God's will for me?" why is it that we cling so tightly to that *thing* when we are promised such riches and glory if we decide to trust in God to have things covered for us if we renounce it and walk away?

how often do we turn around at Christ's offer to follow Him just like the rich young ruler because of our many possessions (even when those possessions are addictions?)

would you be ready to have a friend get in your face and hold you accountable for your actions? ask you if you are "clean?" would you be ready to call your thing what it is or would you rather tap dance around the issue a little bit longer so you can clutch onto your junk and keep it close to your heart, rather than trade it in for The Heart that is Sacred and Holy and longs for a relationship with you?

what kind of friend are you?

i am really good at lying. i can look someone in the face and say "i'm clean, yeah i am doing great!" and know in my heart of hearts i need to stop the crap and say "no -- i am unclean and i need help - can you help a sister out?" it is time to admit i need help and even in my brokenness, in my fractured way, i am beginning to truly recognize my issues for what they are, i am ready to be held accountable and honest and really, i have a couple of close friends to thank for that.

after all --- what are friends for?

can you hear me now?

Photographer: YUKIMASA HIROTA

I was talking to a friend on the telephone today, a friend who is closer to me than a brother and knows me better than most people and he always *goes there* -- the spot that I don't want to have anyone question me on, the place that I can keep hidden from all, if not most -- the place where my secret is mine.

I cannot escape his radar.

I quickly changed the subject to a project he had recently finished up. He is not a stupid man, so he swiftly replied with the same question, a second time. I hedged. I hesitated. I stuttered and stumbled....it was as though the gaze of Christ was bearing down into my soul from the other end of the receiver, complete with right eyebrow raised in a Holy Arc. I came clean.

I had to.

He knows about all of my addictions. There is one in particular that he is really concerned with because he knows it has, at times, destroyed the very person I had been trying to evolve into. How can he possibly know that I am still in that *thing*? How can he possibly know?

I have no idea how, but he does and he is piercing and pointed and I assure him I have everything under control, that this thing has been under control and I can deal with it. No problem, says I (bullshit, actually), I was wondering how you were doing with *your thing*? (another feeble attempt to change the subject...)

Hesitation.

I repeated the question. He has often talked to me about his issue, it is as serious as mine, but I thought he was an overcomer, not a struggler. Just a short time ago, he admitted to me, he backslid. I was really shocked. Why is it that I can struggle with my junk but it doesn't cross my mind that he still has issues with his?

Because I see Christ in him. I see Jesus in him more than any other human being I can name, he is that amazing. But he is just like me in sin. He is no different, no better, has never elevated himself to that pedestal I put him on, but he was still up there.

The point of all of this is regardless of how great or wonderful someone in your life might be, they are still struggling in their own junk, they are still trying to overcome, they are still belly-crawling their way through the narrow gate, the same as you, the same as me.

And that is where grace comes into play. God put this truly godly man into my life, not only to show me what it is like to attempt to live in Christ on a daily basis, but to be honest enough to admit that he is fractured, like me, and that through his brokenness, he can minister to me in mine. What an incredible gift his friendship is to me. Remarkable.

How amazing.

How grace-filled.

How sobering.

trying to stay the course...

Photo credit: Dorthea Lange

I feel like I have been at a bit of a cross-roads when it comes to my religion as of late -- please note, I did not say faith.

Our parish is at the very least lukewarm and unfortunately, most of the parishes in my area are about the same. I have recently withdrawn from serving as Extraordinary Minister and Lector for right now due to health concerns, work and family issues, but feel the decision to do so was a good one, was warranted, and was not at all walking away at a time when there are no others to step up -- there are always others and they always step up. I felt as though I was being called away and I have peace about it.

What this has afforded me is an opportunity to explore other churches in the area, which I have touched upon. What I am finding in doing so is that while I am being *fed* with the sermons and the music, I am missing tremendously the Eucharist. It is almost an unbearable ache, like He is calling to me and this is because I believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist and to me, that is where it starts and stops. Sure, I can visit elsewhere, but I need to be with the Lord as He said He would be with me; joined at the table.

Lent is approaching and I said to my husband last night, my husband who has remained steadfast and true to the faith during all these months of my searching and my questioning, that I cannot imagine myself as anything other than Catholic!! I am submitting myself to the Lord during these next few weeks in prayer and supplication and will do whatever He tells me to do. I have lots of praying and reading to do, and as I mentioned yesterday, I am incredibly fond of JPII and feel there is a real connectedness between us, even more so than when he was living! What is that about? Something else for me to explore, I guess.

Of importance to note is I have another appointment with a potential Spiritual Director -- I had one in the fall with a Sister who was very nice, but I felt no connectedness and she made suggestions which may have been valid, but seem patent to everyone and not simply me (why I think I must be sooo different is another story...) This new Sister and I meet tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. and while I almost didn't take the appointment, the Holy Spirit whispered really, really loud that it was "ADVISABLE TO DO SO." We will see what transpires...

So while my posting may be disjointed and questioning aloud, most posts will be open to comments, some not (but always opened to email). This is a cyber-soul-searching adventure and while I feel more confident about where I am headed with all of this, I appreciate your walking with me on this road.

It's a bit narrow, but I am sure we can all fit.

blogger anniversaries and such

Groundhog Day
1959
Andrew Wyeth (American, born 1917)

we love to mark time, don't we? we wax poetic and philosophical, give voice to our inner musings when significant dates come around, remember fondly or not so fondly those things that happened on that date.

another reason to simply sit back and ponder.

i was just thinking as i looked at hope's "blogiversary" post - she was one of the first people i really began to follow along with when i started blogging two years ago in november (which anniversary i failed to mention because i simply had other things going on at the time...) she is deep, insightful, honest, raw, and as a true sister in Christ, has stood by me through some of my most painful moments.

and then there's annie, another soul whose life i follow and have for the past two years -- i have laughed with her, cried with her, am a huge fan of her artistic abilities and have great admiration and respect for her.

they were probably the first two blogs i ever left a comment on.
and they responded!! (was that their first mistake?)

i have been fortunate enough to *meet* some pretty amazing people through blogging these last two years (not negating for one moment those who i have met elsewhere in cyberspace). many of you have walked an interesting walk with me for some time now...some of you are new to the neurotic musings of this particular blog hostess. all comments have been considered by me in one way or another, many dialogues completely and utterly refreshing.

i am thankful for all of you - for your prayers and thoughts, your humor, your wisdom and understanding, fortitude and when i have none, right judgment. i just wanted to pause for a moment to simply say thank you for enriching my life.