will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

food for thought

from a very powerful book, The Holy Way by Paula Huston

"Desire can lead us to create. But disordered desire starts the chain of events that leads to evil when in its pain and ignorance it imagines the unreal and attaches itself to these images."

further into the chapter, in the author's words:

Under fearful conditions, we crave what we think will calm our self-doubts. Our natural desire to be loved, for example, becomes an obsessive craving that can only be assuaged by fantasy -- a fantasy that allows us to become more beautiful, intelligent, and accomplished than we really are. This, in turn, allows us to attract astonishing people like ourselves into love affairs -- affairs that, even if we never acted them out physically, are legendary for their passion and depth. Absorbed in fantasy, we cannot see who is really in front of us; and certainly, we cannot love.

...

stop. hold on.

stay in control...

an excerpt from Addiction and Grace, by Gerald G. May, M.D.:-

If you find yourself saying, "I can handle it," "I can stop it," or "I can do without it," try to perform a very simple test: simply go ahead and stop it. Do without it. If you are successful, there is no addiction. If you cannot stop, no amount of rationalization will change the fact that an addiction exists.

My question is this: how long do you have to stop it for?

A week? A month? Forever?

(would that question fall under the category of "rationalization?")

morning prayer

i can't.

You can.

i'll let You.


(amen)

can you hear me now?

Photographer: YUKIMASA HIROTA

I was talking to a friend on the telephone today, a friend who is closer to me than a brother and knows me better than most people and he always *goes there* -- the spot that I don't want to have anyone question me on, the place that I can keep hidden from all, if not most -- the place where my secret is mine.

I cannot escape his radar.

I quickly changed the subject to a project he had recently finished up. He is not a stupid man, so he swiftly replied with the same question, a second time. I hedged. I hesitated. I stuttered and stumbled....it was as though the gaze of Christ was bearing down into my soul from the other end of the receiver, complete with right eyebrow raised in a Holy Arc. I came clean.

I had to.

He knows about all of my addictions. There is one in particular that he is really concerned with because he knows it has, at times, destroyed the very person I had been trying to evolve into. How can he possibly know that I am still in that *thing*? How can he possibly know?

I have no idea how, but he does and he is piercing and pointed and I assure him I have everything under control, that this thing has been under control and I can deal with it. No problem, says I (bullshit, actually), I was wondering how you were doing with *your thing*? (another feeble attempt to change the subject...)

Hesitation.

I repeated the question. He has often talked to me about his issue, it is as serious as mine, but I thought he was an overcomer, not a struggler. Just a short time ago, he admitted to me, he backslid. I was really shocked. Why is it that I can struggle with my junk but it doesn't cross my mind that he still has issues with his?

Because I see Christ in him. I see Jesus in him more than any other human being I can name, he is that amazing. But he is just like me in sin. He is no different, no better, has never elevated himself to that pedestal I put him on, but he was still up there.

The point of all of this is regardless of how great or wonderful someone in your life might be, they are still struggling in their own junk, they are still trying to overcome, they are still belly-crawling their way through the narrow gate, the same as you, the same as me.

And that is where grace comes into play. God put this truly godly man into my life, not only to show me what it is like to attempt to live in Christ on a daily basis, but to be honest enough to admit that he is fractured, like me, and that through his brokenness, he can minister to me in mine. What an incredible gift his friendship is to me. Remarkable.

How amazing.

How grace-filled.

How sobering.

addiction thought for the day

...we naturally seek the least threatening ways of trying to satisfy our longing for God, ways that protect our sense of personal power and require the least sacrifice. Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes -- ways of having our cake and eating it too, ways of maintaining our attachments to things and people while simultaneously trying to deepen our intimacy with God. We seek compromise not because we are evil or conniving, but because of the way we are made; we naturally look for the least painful ways of living.

~~Gerald G. May
Addiction and Grace