will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

gratitude

Course for Gratitude, 2000
Charles Spurrier at Feigen Contemporary
tape, pigment, adhesive vinyl, steel
72 x 72 inches

---<>---
there is a guy at my meetings, i shall call him "Bob," that always motions me over when i walk through the door and pats the chair next to him. i usually grin at him (big, hunky guy) and sit and the first thing he'll ask is "how are you?" and i say "fine," and then he'll repeat it again, but emphasize a different word: "no, i mean how are you?" then i spill my guts, and it is usually dramatic and pitiful and then he'll shake his head in affirmation, ask if i have picked up a drink (to which question i, up to today, have responded "no") and then ask me a question that pertains to being grateful.

he even has gone so far as to ask if i have started a -- gulp -- gratitude list. (List? what, are you crazy?? i don't need no stinkin' list...)

this whole conversation has happened on at least five different occasions, and on every occasion, i whine (just a little) about how it is so difficult sometimes to be grateful for the little things.

[this is truth. this is my blog. i must be rigorously honest or i am a fraud. i am not the most gratitude-filled person. ouch.]

last night, he wasn't at the meeting since he had another commitment. i was thinking of him when i was walking to my car and how i wanted to tell him that even though my daughter was in the hospital and i almost "lost it" because my middle son had an appointment with a pulmonary specialist at 3:30 to clear him for his upcoming lapband surgery and i almost forgot but had to make arrangements for documents to be faxed to this new physician, and all of this was in the midst of getting my daughter out the door to be directly admitted, i actually had a moment float through my head: i am so grateful to have health insurance!

that little ounce of gratitude creeped in when i was unsuspecting! who would've thought?

wait, there's more:

• i am grateful for my husband, who sat in molly's room with her and watched television and made jokes that made her groan in protestation.
• i am grateful to have friends who check in with me on the phone regularly and make me laugh and think i am "hilarious!"
• grateful for my friends here - my new ones, and my *known* ones who migrated over with me from my other blog, despite my admission of my alcoholism, the ones who were not afraid to reach out and tell me they were here and they still loved me in spite of myself
  
• grateful for a program that has brought me to a closer relationship with God
• and mostly grateful for a God who loves me and carries me through everything.
  

now, don't go thinking i am going to do a gratitude list daily... if anything, i may update my sidebar, but all of this gushiness in the throes of being in the trenches over the past few days is surreal to me.

(and i kind of like it :)

bless me father for i have sinned...

David Brewster

~~

it's been almost four months since my last confession. that wasn't really a confession. (there was nobody behind me in line, for which i was grateful because i tend to take more than your basic five minutes in the booth.)

i went and spoke to someone who knows my junk. told him what i wanted to tell the Other Priest and he was very kind about why Other Priest may have reacted the way he did, but then went on to discuss my recognition of what the root of my problems are and how i came to know this.

and i told him everything that i have been holding inside...the junkiest of all junk...and he did not even flinch. in fact, he sat with me and we discussed good things at length and actually laughed. i left the room after having received absolution and a remedy and saw that what was an empty line when i entered the room, was now 5-deep with a lot of questioning eyes.

oh, well.

i decided to bask in the grace instead of fret over being in there as long as i was. apparently, Msgr. felt it was necessary (as did God) and it is all good.

in stitches

max & i spent some quality time in the ER at my hospital last night into late hours of the early morning because he caught his finger in a beach chair when he was "chillin' with some friends at the park," as he told the triage nurse. i will spare the gory details; five stitches, less than one for every hour we were there as we were there for six hours.

six.

hours.

he is fine, we are both exhausted and he now has laryngitis on top of everything else today. sent him to bed already with his tylenol #3. even thought i assist in c-sections and hand sutures off to the doctor without problem, it was a different story last night as i had to look away from max getting his finger stitched -- it is not the same when it is "one of your own," eh?
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also bought some yarn this afternoon and began crocheting a baby blanket -- no, nobody is "on the way," but i am soooo sloooow at my craft it is good to have a jump start ;) , so i am told by my dear husband!
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truthfully, my lovely yarn is a diversion as i am trying my hardest to maintain my status away from the computer as it had become an idol to me -- part of my addiction surrounds my internet use, believe it or not -- and it has been *two weeks clean* away from that which so readily ensnared me and has had me in its death grip for almost five (5) years, on and off. it is amazing what we can turn into an unhealthy thing if we do it out of balance. just about everything we do -- even those things which are seemingly benign and on their surface, innocent -- can lose their shape faster than a knitted blanket which is out of gauge and hopelessly misshapen.
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thank God for the gift of friends - both in the flesh and online - to not be afraid to reach out to me in my time of distress, leave a wonderful comment, send up a silent prayer...call me out on my stuff, to hold me accountable in my actions; to send me encouraging cards and wonderful music to help me keep centered; to email me or call me in the middle of food shopping to say "hey, i am worried about you..." to offer to take a road trip to see a mutual on-line buddy get ordained...to send money and help feed my family. i am grateful to you, and you know who you are. i owe a debt of gratitude to you all for being there for me during a time when all had seemed pretty hopeless. it has seemed that way for a long time, but now i believe i am heading into a pretty hopeful phase. thank God.
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but thank you -- you helped me from being unraveled and prevented me from coming apart at the seams. for that, i am forever grateful, for pieces of my life are woven together by God through you; you are all a part of my tapestry.