if it were only this simple.

I used to smart, to rage, at the worldliness of so-called Christianity, and to come close on despair. Now I see that certainly such so-called Christianity existed and does even now, but it isn't the real thing; the real thing, however, exists -- it is in the hearts of simple people, and it depends not upon what the school of thought one grew up in, or what creed one believes in, but on one's capacity for love and for humility.

Caryll Houselander, Essential Writings

on hiatus

When I find myself getting more aggravated by reading blogs than I do being edified, I think that is when I need to step back and take a break. I think it is a combination things that have happened in the recent past and what is coming up in my immediate future that has me scattered and hyper-critical of things coming out of the mouths of my friends who are supposed to be Christians.

I recognize I am no better, believe me when I tell you that.

God is doing something major in my life and I cannot help but think I am not taking enough time to figure out where He wants me to go from here. Change is never easy, I tend to kick against the goads unless the change is something I myself am initiating. However, what is going on in my mind and my heart are not by my own choosing so I am stepping back to be able to discern more clearly what God's call is on my life.

I have a heart for the homeless and hurting, am missional, and feel like He is leading me somewhere new and while it is scary as anything, it is absolutely thrilling as well. My profile states that I am stumbling after Christ - I am on hiatus from writing about it and simply wish to just do so.

Next time I will be here, I'll have a new daughter and will post pictures of the blessed event.

Have a good couple of weeks, y'all.

Divine Mercy Sunday

I read all over the blog-o-sphere all of the writings my fellow brethren have posted about Divine Mercy Sunday. I will be honest, and as I have just admitted to another Christian friend, I am not one to do novenas or sign up for what has been gleaned from another's private revelation. I am sure this will set a bunch of my friends into a tailspin, but it is something that I have struggled with when I haven't felt "Catholic Enough," but have been assured by enough folks that private revelation is just that: private. You can choose to believe if you desire to do so (which I think the Holy Spirit plays a big part in your belief) and if it strengthens your faith, blessings!

"Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophetic utterances. Test everything; retain what is good" (1 Thess. 5:19–21) Thank you, Lord - You always have the Word of wisdom...

But if it doesn't strike me like it does the rest of your Catholic brothers and sisters, it is okay. It doesn't make me any "less Catholic;" it just means the Holy Spirit hasn't pricked my heart in the same way and I will be fine...I am finally *fine* with that.

Yesterday at work, it was chaotic. The barometric pressure from the Nor'Easter caused many mamas, including mamas who were not due until July or so, to come in with pre-term labor and other assorted conditions. We were hopping yesterday.

They are interesting, the women I work with. Management continually emphasizes teamwork for better customer service scores, but when another nurse called for help with starting an IV on post-partum, the opinions expressed by those still sitting in their chairs who, prior to the phone call were discussing the latest "whatever," were less than kind regarding the nurse who needed assistance. I sat there, incredulous, but because I "know my role," basically said nothing at that time. I got up and went down the hall to see what was happening in triage. When the nurse came back that went up to assist and the conversations started up all over again about the nurse who needed help, I said "do you realize how much she had to humble herself to ask for that help? I just don't *get* you folks! I am sorry, but I don't!!" The conversation came to an abrupt halt.

Also, we have many patients now who come from the City (meaning Atlantic City) because our OB department closed and we have merged into one unit. I was actually hired for the City but the mainland was so busy, I was only assigned to go once. I was also disappointed because the City gets varied clientele - from the rich visitors to the casino who came a little too close to their due date to the homeless. I was excited because I would be with "my peeps..." My excitement turned to disappointment turned back to excitement because now, we get everybody.

One of my patients yesterday was one of the homeless. She fell and was brought in by ambulance because she fell on her tummy and we had a wonderful chat about her baby at "home" and her baby in her belly while I transported her to ultrasound. When I went to pick her up to take her back, she had been given four pictures from the ultrasound tech that she was thrilled to have; thank God, the baby is fine and she will probably be back in about a month to deliver...another homeless girl who had already delivered was upstairs. Her "family" and visitors were asked to leave because they were found sleeping on the floor in her room because they had nowhere to go and wanted to stay in a show of support for the mama and probably because they had no place else to go that was warm and out of the horrendous weather conditions we have been experiencing. The chatter I heard, again at the nurse's station but actually, on a different floor, was mind-boggling.

"Where is the compassion? Where is the grace, the mercy?" Again, the Mouthy One, again, the conversation ender. Oh, well.

However, I am thinking in my own way, and even though I didn't pray the prescribed prayers and do all the things one has to do in order to obtain special graces, I experienced my own Divine Mercy Sunday.

Well, now.

trying to stay the course...

Photo credit: Dorthea Lange

I feel like I have been at a bit of a cross-roads when it comes to my religion as of late -- please note, I did not say faith.

Our parish is at the very least lukewarm and unfortunately, most of the parishes in my area are about the same. I have recently withdrawn from serving as Extraordinary Minister and Lector for right now due to health concerns, work and family issues, but feel the decision to do so was a good one, was warranted, and was not at all walking away at a time when there are no others to step up -- there are always others and they always step up. I felt as though I was being called away and I have peace about it.

What this has afforded me is an opportunity to explore other churches in the area, which I have touched upon. What I am finding in doing so is that while I am being *fed* with the sermons and the music, I am missing tremendously the Eucharist. It is almost an unbearable ache, like He is calling to me and this is because I believe that Jesus is present in the Eucharist and to me, that is where it starts and stops. Sure, I can visit elsewhere, but I need to be with the Lord as He said He would be with me; joined at the table.

Lent is approaching and I said to my husband last night, my husband who has remained steadfast and true to the faith during all these months of my searching and my questioning, that I cannot imagine myself as anything other than Catholic!! I am submitting myself to the Lord during these next few weeks in prayer and supplication and will do whatever He tells me to do. I have lots of praying and reading to do, and as I mentioned yesterday, I am incredibly fond of JPII and feel there is a real connectedness between us, even more so than when he was living! What is that about? Something else for me to explore, I guess.

Of importance to note is I have another appointment with a potential Spiritual Director -- I had one in the fall with a Sister who was very nice, but I felt no connectedness and she made suggestions which may have been valid, but seem patent to everyone and not simply me (why I think I must be sooo different is another story...) This new Sister and I meet tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. and while I almost didn't take the appointment, the Holy Spirit whispered really, really loud that it was "ADVISABLE TO DO SO." We will see what transpires...

So while my posting may be disjointed and questioning aloud, most posts will be open to comments, some not (but always opened to email). This is a cyber-soul-searching adventure and while I feel more confident about where I am headed with all of this, I appreciate your walking with me on this road.

It's a bit narrow, but I am sure we can all fit.

When you love people, you see all the good in them, all the Christ in them. God sees Christ, His Son, in us and loves us. And so we should see Christ in others, and nothing else, and love them. There can never be enough of it. There can never be enough thinking about it. St. John of the Cross said that where there was no love, put love and you would take out love.

Dorothy Day
On Pilgrimage

~*~*~

we had a known crack-addicted prostitute as a patient a few weeks ago. she has been pregnant numerous times and has always had her babies, even though none of them are with her and were all given up for adoption i believe through the state.

i remembered her name and found out we delivered her last baby early this past summer. she is pregnant again and was in due to complications most likely attributed to her chronic and persistent drug use. one of the nurses that had been given this patient as part of her assignment said she didn't know if she could "morally do a good job taking care of her," based on the reasons stated herein. there was an on-going discussion at the desk with the other nurses and finally, i was asked how i felt about the situation. all i said was "we don't know where she is in her process, in her life, what her life is like...it would be really easy to judge her just knowing what we know on paper and based on what she said in her history. the harder thing i think we are called to do is to take care of her as best we can and offer it up as an act of prayer. i doubt she will get any better care anywhere else...just keep praying," and with that, i walked off to distribute linens and introduce myself to my patients.

what i found out during the course of my day was this: she enjoys watching game shows and the show CSI; she wears glasses and cares about washing up and cleaning her teeth...she drank a lot of water and enjoyed gingerale. she seemed much younger than her mid-30's and felt pain for what she was going through, what she has put her baby through. and yeah, has a crack cocaine addiction and felt shame about it.

there is so much more i could say about my experience, but i will end with this: she was actually one of the easiest patients i have ever had to care for.


And so we should see Christ in others, and nothing else, and love them.

grace

i had the most incredible experience at church yesterday. it left me absolutely floating the entire day (i think this was the "consolation" part i have been waiting for, since i have felt so desolate in my spirit for so long).

i visited my friend Pastor Charlie's church (for the third time) yesterday and arrived in plenty of time (last time i went, i was a tiny bit late!) i saw several people i knew in the vestibule and received the biggest hugs...it was so tremendously welcoming and warm. i sat by myself (i wouldn't impose myself on anyone, even though i knew several people there) and enjoyed tremendously the praise & worship music. Pastor spoke on Revelation, which was compelling and engaging. this scribe took notes.

but what happened afterwards took me by surprise. as services were ending, people were invited up to be prayed over in a really unobtrusive way -- it didn't feel like an "altar call," it was simple and sweet. i was avoiding eye contact with Charlie because the last time i spoke with him, he had mentioned something about praying over me after church and that was way past my comfort zone. i was talking with friends, looked around and he had me in his crosshairs -- he motioned me over, i shook my head furiously *NOOOOO* and he did it again.

i went.

i moved up to the front of the church, toward the front pew (ironically next to a box of tissues) and took a seat. Pastor moved in, invited the elders and other pastors of the church to come over and honest to God, they descended upon me and several put their hands on me and touched my arms. i was asked how they could pray for me and i looked up at Charlie in earnest and implored him with my eyes not to make me do this and he simply nodded in encouragement to *go ahead* and i mentioned i am having problems with my addictions and am truly desirous of being healed and have troublesome health issues that i most certainly desire healing from. Pastor Bill anointed my head with oil in the sign of the Cross and prayed James 5: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord...and then something from Hebrews, but i was already being unmade.

these kind people, some of whom i didn't know, prayed over me as their sister in Christ and such warmth coursed through me, it was unbelievable. Pastor Charlie ended with an incredible prayer (he certainly knows me, brokenness and all, as he has been counseling me over the last several months) and i sat there and simply said "amen" and "thank you" when they were finished....you anointed me with oil, my cup overflows.

i reached for the tissues and my friend from work, Lydia, slid in next to me, hugged me, and said "do you know how much you are loved?" i honestly felt it; it was unlike anything else i have ever experienced.

as i gathered my things and walked toward my car in the parking lot, past the children playing soccer and families that were still outside, talking to one another, i was reminded of Isaiah 43:4: "...you are precious in My sight, and honored, and I love you."

it actually felt good to be in my skin for the first time in years; all was grace.

is there no way to be knit or woven together?

i found the following, via julie d. happy catholic, to be interesting. my question is this: can someone not be both? must you be one or the other when these tenets are applied?

The Protestant imagination focuses on the gulf that separates us from God, while the Catholic view is of the sacramental nature of all that is around us. It is no wonder that while Protestant spirituality focuses on the Word of God (preaching it, hearing it, applying it) in order to repair the separation that divides us from God, Catholic spirituality focuses on finding, lifting, and releasing the Spirit of God that is sometimes hidden or latent in the world around us. This is the world as sacrament, the world incarnated...

Where the Protestant approach to the Spirit is to analyze its meaning, the Catholic approach to the Spirit is to imagine its depths. Where the Protestant mind stops and pulls the strands apart, the Catholic mind makes further connections and intertwines the strands...Jon M. Sweeney, from Lure of the Saints: A Protestant Experience of Catholic Tradition

i declare: i want to be both. i am both. why must it be one or the other? can we not be woven together, using all of our efforts, our selves, to all connect and intertwine?

where does that leave me?
where does that leave you??