melt down.

Salvadore Dali
The Persistence of Memory

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i sat through my meeting last night and it was okay. yeah, just okay.

the promise they discussed the third promise, which is "we will comprehend the word serenity.” i feel a lot of things right now, and other than reciting the "serenity prayer" at the beginning of the meeting, that is as close as i have come to feeling serene.

i listened to others share their stories of serenity, how the calm overtook them at a moment they least expected it...how adversity showed its ugly face and they were peaceful. all good stories, all true from what i gather, but serenity is elusive right now in my life.

for those of you who have migrated over from martha, martha, you know this is not an unusual state. the only thing unusual is that i hadn't had a drink in 38 days (as of yesterday).

so i meditate on this whole serenity thing (after having had a stressful day at work) on the way home from my meeting and tears come. big ole hot wet sliding down my face can't stop them if i wanted to tears. not a good time to cry as it was my husband's birthday and i would be seeing my son and daughter-in-law who were supposed to be joining us for cake and coffee. prior to going into the house, i say a prayer as i am turning off my car that i can remain calm and happy for at least the next hour. one hour at a time, right?

i did well. nobody knew of my initial melt in the car on they way home, my son was solo since his bride isn't feeling well because she is in her first trimester, which is understandable because hey, i not only work at a center for childbirth, i have been pregnant myself and understand the different phases.

it went well, right up until the very end. my son and daughter-in-law have eluded to in the past that when the baby decides it's time to arrive, that only "her mother and the staff" are allowed in the room. bear in mind: i am an OB technician - i have been present for probably 100 births both in the labor room and as a OR tech for c-sections. i have actually had patients request me. i have a calming influence and am really unobtrusive. i am professional and take great care of my patients.

last night, he confirmed it: they don't want me in the room when the baby comes.

thinking about my post from yesterday about getting over hurts, this was a tough pill to swallow. also bearing in mind my mini-melt in the car on the way home, this was adding up to a really shitty stomach ache and heart ache at the same time. with all the composure i could muster, i told my son i felt as though i was being shut out, that i couldn't believe they didn't want me there, and just said, "okay. whatever you want."

when he left, he was upset and i had a full-blown melt-down. i tried so hard to keep it in, but it came. i cried and cried and talked about it with my husband and then cried some more. i finally dried my eyes, picked up my knitting and watched Criminal Minds.

i sat and thought about what had just happened, and God reminded me of one of the phrases we have used (among staff) when it comes to crowd control during labor: "If you weren't there for the conception, you don't belong there for the delivery." if both mothers were not allowed in the room, i think i would be "fine" with it. however, because her mother is a welcomed attendee and i am being told, flat out, that i am not -- well, pride goes before a melt down.

i composed a text message after i collected myself that said "whatever you want me to do. where ever you want me to be. i will abide and respect your wishes. i will be near when or if you need me. i love you and won't bring it up again." i sighed and hit "send." while i don't think i am wrong in feeling how i feel, i just want to keep the peace. and no, it is not easy to rise above as i explained to my kids in the car this morning; maintaining peace within a relationship may be some of the hardest work you have to do.

moments later i received the "thank you mom, that means a lot. we will keep you posted about any updates. love you."

(is it any wonder why i don't feel *serene*? can anyone tell me if my entire recovery will be fraught with moments like these as a challenge to the newly-sober or if it does, actually, get easy?)

serenity feels so far away. achy is the here and now and i just keep thinking "pray, don't drink, go to meetings, call your sponsor, and read the Big Book." i am hoping that since i have been so faithful employing all of these into my daily life, that feeling serene will be coming to me sooner, rather than later.

Day 7

i know - it's only 8 a.m., but so far, i've baked muffins and read some blogs, made coffee, and checked out my daughter's best friend's (alana's) flickr account - she got a new camera and actually has a pretty good eye, especially for someone who has been taking pics for about 24 hours and is all of 14 years old :)


also felt it was time for a little cat blogging. the first pic is alana's cat, *snowy* who in this pic, to me, looks very nonplus so he matches my early morning mood.

now, we move on to *petey*, who has sweet face in this pic, so i figured i'd add him for good measure since i am going to spend time with my family today...i thought she had a good capture, regardless.

(however, i have also been talking with God and am assured He will be with me today as i navigate the waters of River Dysfunctional, so i believe it should be a good day.)

off to the pharmacy to get the new Rx. thank you for indulging me in my addiction/withdrawal postings. this is the tough mean time and i feel the prayers of the saints who are helping me through...

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edited to add:

aside from a brief, but significant internal meltdown in the check-out line of the CVS, and later, upon arriving at home, the burst-into-tears-for-no-good-reason, the day went pretty well.

being at my brother & sister-in-law's house was actually brilliant and it was really lovely seeing all of my *sisters* sitting at the table and talking amicably. and drinking coronas, but i don't believe that is why - i think some mending and reparation is going on and it is really cool to witness.

even when i felt removed. i want to hasten to add that it is Me not Them. i am removing myself when it gets odd on the inside. at least for now.

ahem.

otherwise, mom looked pretty good, save for a couple of needed pounds, and all went swimmingly.

yay :)

did i mention in my quiet time, i have picked up an old hand-quilting project? it seems to center me and it is good for my soul. the only trouble is, and anyone who does handwork and has cats can attest to this: a cat will jump on my lap, regardless of whether there is room with an 18" quilt hoop on it.

petey, especially.


more on that later, just felt like sharing *where i am*

/day 7