will it ever be enough?

i have always instructed my children that regardless of what they do in life, as long as it isn't something "illegal" and they are enjoying what they are doing, then i am okay with that because life is far too short to not be happy.  (please see Twitter for any reference to Breaking Bad and you'll understand what i mean)

and really -- will we ever have enough?

i am kind of chuckling to myself since as of last wednesday, i had all of $24.00 in my checking account to last me until today.  i get paid twice a month - the 15th and the 30th.  it was a long stretch, my good friends. i had a wee bit o' savings and what wee bit i had, i transferred and not a moment too soon: a purchase i had long since forgotten about hit the very next day and took my transferred money and then some.  so i really had all of $14.00 to last me through the weekend.

i put out a "call to arms" email to my children at home: things are tight.  we have food in the pantry consisting of tuna, chicken, pasta, rice, beans, soups. we are not in wont.  we are not without.  we may have to ::gasp:: actually cook something for ourselves instead of relying on take out or delivery (which needs to stop, as well).  they did just fine, honestly.  (there was a brief moment when Daughter lamented about her new upgrade to iOs7 which made her phone "all wonky" and how she is due for an upgrade.  go ahead.  let that one soak for a moment, i'll wait.)

i read about how people are starving in third world countries and in our own backyards.  health care in america has hit a critical point and while the Obamacare is being launched i believe tomorrow, the monthly premiums for a family are still too high for me to pay out of pocket. it's been a difficult financial year for me, to put it mildly. no health insurance, court hearings, moving back into my house and the expense that entails, finding the balance between my social life and my being at home now with two kids in the house (plus a boarder), the electricity bill is about triple what i remembered it as being.  the taxes are due.  the balance of the bills from my other place are also due. my Middle Son works a job that he loves but does not pay well. Daughter is in second year of college and working part time.  i am working full-time and have a small part-time job on saturdays at a methadone clinic as the front desk associate (read: receptionist). i do not believe i will ever be out from under the financial hole i am in. my necessary bills are being paid, my savings is all but non-existent, but get this:  i am happy. i have serenity. peace. happiness. relationships around me being repaired and invitations to soccer games and over for birthdays are now coming in on a more regular basis and that makes me overjoyed.  i have not had an alcoholic drink in over 5 years (almost 6 but i practice a day at a time program) and my creative side is resurfacing after being long since submerged, encased in a wall of self-pity which is slowly crumbling away. life is actually pretty good.

yes, i have the almost daily "how am i going to do this, God?" conversation but i am not in a panic. He will provide for us, He always does. in the background, questions linger:  do i approach The Boss about a raise, when my review was due in January of this year? inquire about benefits for the office? do i push Middle Son to get a different job, perhaps one that pays better and has benefits? i guess i could gently guide him in that direction, but as i stated at the outset, he is in a job in a record store that he loves and music is his passion.

for now, i think it is enough.

First Step

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

i meet with my sponsor tonight after work to do my first step. it's been a long time coming. i did my homework over a month ago, but i haven't seen her because of travel. each time we talk, she says "pen, if you need to find another sponsor who is there, i will be more than happy to be your friend." i don't feel that is the right thing for me at this time. i feel she is to be my sponsor, regardless of her travel schedule, if she'll have me.

i am nervous as i need to discuss things with her face-to-face that i have not shared with her over the phone.

much easier, methinks, to share things over a cup of coffee.

90 days

yesterday i celebrated 90 days of continuous sobriety. when compared to someone with 17 years, it is a mere drop in the bucket. "relate don't compare." but whatever - i have 90 days and i am pretty happy about that. (by the way -- the "90 meetings in 90 days i was so concerned about? i probably did about 120 meetings in 90 days, at least - many, many times i doubled up. what do you know :)

max's surgery went well, aside from an extra night in the hospital because of swelling. we are at an odd stage where he is hungry, cannot eat yet, and is getting bitter when we eat. there has to be a middle ground, i am hopeful we will find it. he was in an "off" mood yesterday, but it could simply be because he is bored and wants to get out, but doesn't feel well enough to do anything. he goes to the doctor's tomorrow, so i am anxious to see if he's lost any more weight (he dropped 10 pounds from being on liquids for one week prior to surgery. pretty sweet jump-start.)

right now in my life, i feel like i am treading water. i went to confession yesterday and did a 5th step with my priest, felt pretty good about it when all was said about what i'd done (or failed to do) and was looking at the 12-step list they had at the meeting last night and stopped at

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

these two gave me pause as i really think they go hand-in-hand. i am totally ready to have God remove my defects of character, but stop short of humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings, because if i know God, He will kick my ass breaking me of my defects.

does anyone understand what i am saying?

if i pray for patience, i know He is generous in dishing me situations that will try my patience. i learned not to ask for that a long time ago. doing something simple, like asking in prayer for Him to "direct my thinking" is an easy one. asking Him to help me "be a better person" or to "help someone who is struggling," easy.

asking Him to remove my defects of character? not so much. girlfriend has a boatload of defects, most of which are pretty much summed up in the 7 deadly sins. (well, maybe not so much greed or envy, but the others i nod in affirmation when i read them...)

where does that leave me? i trust in God, yes. i believe He will lead and guide me into all truths, yes. i have been on a pretty good run this week and am afraid of upsetting the apple cart. i know we all have fear of the unknown, and i know my imagination can totally run away from me, so why is it i cannot "let go and let God?" i cannot handle my crap on my own, i recognize the need for God in my life, and i am willing to turn my life and my will over to His care and protection. i know all this. "care and protection" sounds like a walk in the park compared to "remove all my shortcomings."

i cannot imagine what He will do, so i guess i will skip steps 6 and 7 and go onto 8...

7. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
8. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

oh, wow...


[could someone assist me with my apple cart?]

melt down.

Salvadore Dali
The Persistence of Memory

~+~+~

i sat through my meeting last night and it was okay. yeah, just okay.

the promise they discussed the third promise, which is "we will comprehend the word serenity.” i feel a lot of things right now, and other than reciting the "serenity prayer" at the beginning of the meeting, that is as close as i have come to feeling serene.

i listened to others share their stories of serenity, how the calm overtook them at a moment they least expected it...how adversity showed its ugly face and they were peaceful. all good stories, all true from what i gather, but serenity is elusive right now in my life.

for those of you who have migrated over from martha, martha, you know this is not an unusual state. the only thing unusual is that i hadn't had a drink in 38 days (as of yesterday).

so i meditate on this whole serenity thing (after having had a stressful day at work) on the way home from my meeting and tears come. big ole hot wet sliding down my face can't stop them if i wanted to tears. not a good time to cry as it was my husband's birthday and i would be seeing my son and daughter-in-law who were supposed to be joining us for cake and coffee. prior to going into the house, i say a prayer as i am turning off my car that i can remain calm and happy for at least the next hour. one hour at a time, right?

i did well. nobody knew of my initial melt in the car on they way home, my son was solo since his bride isn't feeling well because she is in her first trimester, which is understandable because hey, i not only work at a center for childbirth, i have been pregnant myself and understand the different phases.

it went well, right up until the very end. my son and daughter-in-law have eluded to in the past that when the baby decides it's time to arrive, that only "her mother and the staff" are allowed in the room. bear in mind: i am an OB technician - i have been present for probably 100 births both in the labor room and as a OR tech for c-sections. i have actually had patients request me. i have a calming influence and am really unobtrusive. i am professional and take great care of my patients.

last night, he confirmed it: they don't want me in the room when the baby comes.

thinking about my post from yesterday about getting over hurts, this was a tough pill to swallow. also bearing in mind my mini-melt in the car on the way home, this was adding up to a really shitty stomach ache and heart ache at the same time. with all the composure i could muster, i told my son i felt as though i was being shut out, that i couldn't believe they didn't want me there, and just said, "okay. whatever you want."

when he left, he was upset and i had a full-blown melt-down. i tried so hard to keep it in, but it came. i cried and cried and talked about it with my husband and then cried some more. i finally dried my eyes, picked up my knitting and watched Criminal Minds.

i sat and thought about what had just happened, and God reminded me of one of the phrases we have used (among staff) when it comes to crowd control during labor: "If you weren't there for the conception, you don't belong there for the delivery." if both mothers were not allowed in the room, i think i would be "fine" with it. however, because her mother is a welcomed attendee and i am being told, flat out, that i am not -- well, pride goes before a melt down.

i composed a text message after i collected myself that said "whatever you want me to do. where ever you want me to be. i will abide and respect your wishes. i will be near when or if you need me. i love you and won't bring it up again." i sighed and hit "send." while i don't think i am wrong in feeling how i feel, i just want to keep the peace. and no, it is not easy to rise above as i explained to my kids in the car this morning; maintaining peace within a relationship may be some of the hardest work you have to do.

moments later i received the "thank you mom, that means a lot. we will keep you posted about any updates. love you."

(is it any wonder why i don't feel *serene*? can anyone tell me if my entire recovery will be fraught with moments like these as a challenge to the newly-sober or if it does, actually, get easy?)

serenity feels so far away. achy is the here and now and i just keep thinking "pray, don't drink, go to meetings, call your sponsor, and read the Big Book." i am hoping that since i have been so faithful employing all of these into my daily life, that feeling serene will be coming to me sooner, rather than later.

i think as i approach the weekends, i can feel my inward self start craving. that must be it. in addition to the lack of funds that really is overtiring to discuss, Christmas shopping with $0 after only an hour is equally as overtiring to the point of exhaustion, mentally.

so i found myself terribly agitated and even entertained the thought of having a glass of wine and calling it a night after my hour-long venture. i am learning through my meetings (sorry Micky, whoever you are, dear one) that you should turn things over to your Higher Power (which is in my case God, Jesus, Holy Spirit -- go Triune or go home...) and replace the thought with something of gratitude.

how do you think that was working for me, yesterday? uh, not so well. i was talking to Him in the car on the way to the meeting i reluctantly attended -- day 17 of sobriety yesterday, look at me thinking i have wiggle room for reluctance -- and out loud told Him i didn't feel grateful, that i am so sick of being poor, that i think this whole thing is "too little, too late" because our finances are still in such a state of disrepair. seriously, God -- what the fuck? what is the point of not picking up a drink if things aren't going to get any better?

and so it went, as i was in most of my day, during my commute to my meeting i remained up in my head.

then of course, our meeting was on Step Two, Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity... what, me insane? that is preposterous (said the girl who has conversations with herself all day...) but the noise and my angst slowly eased as we read and i listened to the folks do their sharing. not a "glum lot": funny. insightful, wise. sober. grateful to be there, it started settling in me, as well.

this is my favorite meeting, there is a tremendous amount of wisdom and warmth, support and encouragement in this room, and i feel better before i leave. i discuss with some ladies how many days i've been without alcohol and get chastised (just a little) about not picking up the phone to reach out and call someone instead of staying in my head. duly noted; am new at this.

i have so much to learn, but for today, the lesson i take from yesterday is that i did not drink, i did not act out on my other junk, and i have been given another opportunity to make things better for today.

staying in my day instead of my head.


(collage by Robert Magginetti)

healing and denial.

Bette Linderman - Denial. Then Acceptance-With No Hint of Surrender, 2007. Courtesy of the Artist and Art Obje

~*~*~
since this is my space to vent about things most unpleasant, you have been warned.

yesterday was really weird. really weird.

i woke up and did my usual surfing while drinking coffee and knew i had my 10:00 meeting to go to. great meeting, by the way. huge. while i'd like to say "so many of them," but it's more like "so many of us." at the end of the meeting someone said "tonight's the meeting for beginners," i said "and i'd love to go, but i know it will be a problem for my husband."

it was.

his mood was *off* all day and and made a comment to me along the lines of "i don't know why you would have to go back -- you already went to a meeting!" he thinks i am going "overboard." he doesn't understand my attendance at meetings, going every night, for a problem that doesn't seem like a problem to him. i sat as i listened to him and saw the pain on his face. he apologized, but then added "i am sick of the drama in this house."

let me tell you folks, and trust me when i tell you this: most of the drama occurred when i was drinking, alone and on the internet, while he was sleeping.

i gently explained (for the nth time) that my step-father was a prescription drug addict. my natural father, although i only really knew him the last year of his life, was a 17-sober, recovering member of AA during his final days. my mom has alcohol dependency, as does at one of my brothers. i have been in or around alcohol or substance abuse my entire life ---> how could i not, at the very least, have co-dependency issues? at the very freaking least?

one of the first notes i took at an AA meeting is "there are no rules for membership other than the desire to stop drinking." Got that. the 12 steps are "suggestions." Got that, too.

since i have lived my life under the shadow of addiction for my entire 44 years, and i woke up to a memory of the events the previous night two weeks ago that was alarming and spoke to me in such a way as to say "you have a problem and you need to stop drinking now," why should i do that alone and unsupported, other than by a husband who only knows how to tell me "you're fine?" i am sorry, but i want to know why the fuck i act the way i do. how to change my behavior. two weeks ago, it was as if i was going 90 miles an hour toward a brick wall and i slammed on the brakes just in time; i was given another chance because i scared the shit out of myself. what on earth would make me get back behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking) and gun the engine for another go?

that's insanity.

i said to him, "would you rather me wait another 10 years and get my life so out of control that i can go with your blessing? wait until i screw our finances into the ground because of my alcohol purchases, my inability to get up and go to work, putting our children through hell, getting to know the police on a first-name basis (and insert bad internet behavior, unspoken, here) ....before i *merit* your permission to help myself? no. i want to be a better wife, a better mother now. not in 10 years. now."

with that i got off my chair and walked into the other room to get away from the conversation.

things were better after dinner, and we finished in time for me to go to my meeting...one he was actually encouraging me to go to (yeah....i was surprised too). in fact, he gave me my dollar for the basket and said, "see you when you get home."

it's a start, and i am grateful for it.

healing. doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. living in denial isn't much fun, either.

Day 5 - 90 in 90/Day 12 of Sobriety

butterfly bush
Originally uploaded by martha2

am feeling fragile, like my delicate butterfly bush i have pictured here. am wistful for the summer so i could (a) get through these holidays, and (b) be further along in my recovery, which for whatever reason, started to hit a wall today.

open and honest: feeling a little resentful that i cannot have a glass of wine. it's friday night, i went to a very crowded meeting and that was probably what prevented me from ordering a drink when we went to dinner afterward. i actually was shaking from not getting what i wanted.

shaking.

i pray that tomorrow will be easier. i know i am a "weekend warrior" drinker, whose habits were starting to filter into my week day, as well. i did fine last friday, which i know is now over, as is this one. i did not pick up and thank God i didn't.

but fuuuuck. i wanted to so badly.

Day 4 - 90 in 90

loved, loved, loved the meeting last night. sat next to young woman i have literally known for years; was uncertain who was more surprised to see who.

since i am so new and really have nothing to share during the meeting, i sit and i listen which, given some of the testimony from one of the members who was "60 days into sobriety and since my sponsor isn't here, thought i'd share the following," is okay and necessary for me to do. the stories are amazing, saddening, from incredibly brave and hurting people. i am so empathetic that regardless of my present situation, i could see wanting to attend these meetings, regardless.

but i have a problem and i am trying to get to the bottom of it. i believe once i find a sponsor and compile my "fearless and thorough" inventory, i will find out just how sick i really am.

last night's quote o' the night (and man, there were many):

Hurt people hurt people.

amen.